Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged
by Eagleflame
Summary: This is the "abridged" version of Xenoblade Chronicles. Behold, the power of plot holes filled, odd moments lampshaded, and onion jokes! Oh, a-and the Monado. That too. Overall, this is filled with spoileriffic moments from the get-go, so beware. Any plot issues you want resolved, or ideas you have? Let me know in a review or PM, and you'll be credited!
1. Introduction

******* Please support the official video game title if you enjoyed this fan-made parody or the game in general. Spoilers abound. Please watch yourself and hope you don't see any visions of the future. No, really. You don't want that. *******

"Eons ago, in a paradoxical world with endless ocean and sky, two great titans fought ankle-deep in this ocean, their heads scraping the atmosphere, causing global warming for us, but that's not the point to the story. Their names were the Bionis and the Mechonis. Man verses Machine, Homs verses Artificial Intelligence, et cetera. You know the drill. No one knows why they fought, only that evidence of it still remains today —"

"Oh, so like that fossilized Twilight disk I found last week!" Fiora remarks. Shulk pauses, mid-read in the book, and cracks a sheepish smile.

"I'm pretty sure Dickson found some odd depictions of…vampires and werewolves? yesterday in some Giants' ruins." Dunban joins in, lounged on his bed. The pair look up from the floor, glance at each other, and close the book promptly.

"I always knew I hated history for some reason or another." Shulk mutters.

"I suddenly feel ashamed to live on Bionis."

* * *

In the Battle of Sword Valley, a year-younger Dunban and "loyal" wartime companions Dick…son and Mumkhar, fall back to hide behind some cover.

"They're advancing down our weak right flank. We're never going to win this."

"Weak _right_ flank? I thought it was the left flank." Dickson says defensively.

"Oh, yeah? Wanna fight me, _Dick_?"

"Yeah, like the Monado's gonna save you from me." he snips back.

Mumkhar adjusts his position against the cover uncomfortably. "Guys, we don't have time for this, we gotta move! Right flank, left flank, who the heck cares! I just want to get going already!"

"It's my right, you jerk." Dunban says darkly, standing up. "And the Monado will whup your butt any day."

"If it could whup a Homs."

"Haha, hahaha, haha, I'm sure I'm fine." he says with a twist of his mouth.

"It can't hurt anything from the Bionis, you _twit_!"

All three are silent. "So… Bunnivs aren't from the Bionis…?" Mumkhar mumbles, eyes wide. "O-oh my gosh, I've been lied to my whole life! If Bunnivs are from the Mechonis, then that means that I've gotta respect my childhood pet Bunniv's life and join the Mechonis! See ya, losers!"

Dickson and Dunban say nothing. They can only stare as Mumkhar bounds toward Galahad Fortress, whistling a sordid tune. Finally, Dunban coughs something out. "Wait, Mumkhar, why're you heading toward the enemy stronghold?! They don't know you had a pet from Mechonis-!"

Their friend's screams were all they needed to hear.

"Great. Dickson, you didn't have a pet Krabble or anything when you were a child, did you?"

Dickson is thoughtful for a moment. And then he says: "Hm… Not that I can remember. Krabbles were nothing to me, you know…" The man begins to chuckle. "But I did have a pet Homs. Oh, the memories."

"Oh, that's great." Beat. "Wait, what?"

"No time! We're lucky the Mechon haven't shot at us yet!"

The two hurry up, and Dunban grins wickedly, activating the Monado. Dickson looks at him with alarm. "What are you doing?! We have no hope to win this battle right now! There's always later, you know! No need to rush things, though…" A musing look crosses his face. "Though I'm sure that you'll finally realize you're not the Chosen One by trying to win this stupid battle."

"Haha! But I am the Chosen One! Born in a world of strife! Against the odds! We choose to _fight_! Blossom Dance! Ka-chow!" With a leap, Dunban advances the flank of Mechon and wipes them out easily with one swipe of the Monado. Dickson whistles at the effortless swing and the Mechon carnage ensuing, but only shakes his head and hangs back — not like he could do anything if the Monado is that effective.

"See?! Whatdaya think of that, huh, Dickson?" Suddenly, Dunban's egotistical glory is cut short by a reality check. He shrieks and drops to his knees, his right arm sparking and crackling with electricity.

"I think you're quite stupid." he replies.

"N-no, I-I've got to get to the Monado tutorial battle-!" the hero gasps. "The player needs to see how this goes!"

"They get it again once Zanza gets his Monado back." Dickson says nonchalantly, shrugging. "Don't worry about it, Dunban, let's just fall back, you're not exactly left-handed, so you can't do anything now, capisce? Besides, you're being selfish with it, you're not the Chosen One!"

Dunban sheds one manly tear before letting Dickson throw his numb arm, lacerated and bleeding, over his shoulder and supports him as they walk out, abandoning every other defense force soldier fighting for Bionis. "We'll let them fall back to Colony 6. Things can't end well for them, anyways." Dickson says with a slight sneer to his tone. His friend can only nod. "Chosen One, you? Main character and hero, you? Ha!"

"And that's how the Battle of Sword Valley went!" Dickson finishes proudly. Shulk can only stare at him. "And now the Monado is your's to research, Shulk m'boy, hope you're happy now. It only cost Dunban's arm to tear it away from him forever."

"Yay! Thanks, Dad!"

"I'm not your dad."

"Yay! Thanks, Surrogate Dad!"

"You don't want me as your dad."


	2. A Wild Krabble Appeared!

Shulk, an 18-year-old engineer and the next Kenny Rohan of Colony 9, spends his days doing what all young adults do: holed up in his laboratory as a NEET, playing _Xenoblade Chronicles_.

"Shulk? Shulk?"

"Dickson!" Shulk hastily hits the Wii home button and throws the controller out of his hands. "Wh-what are you doing here? I thought you were still at Valak Mountain!"

Dickson leans against the doorframe, his arms folded. "I got home early. What are you still doing here?" He whistles as he sees the paused game and the suspicious disk case on the television stand. "Playing _Xenoblade Chronicles_? You know that game can take over one hundred hours to complete. You're wasting your time, you gotta get out more. Besides, your pastiness scares the crap outta me, kid."

"You can't tell me what to do! I'm an adult now!"

"That's right, Shulk, and being an adult now means that I can finally marry you off to my wartime buddy's sister!"

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah. But, in the meantime —" Dickson, scowling, storms over to Shulk, where he stoops down and picks up the Wii remote, maneuvering it to shut down the game. Shulk screams and watches as his precious progress is lost.

"Nooooooooooooo! No, no, no, I just got to Zanza! You can…t…y-you can't…" He breaks down into a little pathetic ball and begins to cry. "The last time I saved was ten hours ago…"

"— you need to work more on the Monado! Seriously, when was the last time you researched that?"

"Well, I know, but there's a part of me that says 'who the heck cares about the Monado,' and then there's another part of me that says 'do it.'" he finishes with a clean Palpatine imitation.

Dickson is silent. "Huh, never thought of Zanza like that…" He nods slowly.

"Who? Oh, that guy in my game. That's not real, you know. It's just a fanfic based off of me and my friends."

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, him." the man replies quickly. "Yeah, he's a…he's a character. Funny guy. Haha." He clears his throat sharply. "Anyways, you should get outside, Shulk, like every other kid your age!"

"You mean Reyn. Everyone else my age is um, at home. Gaming. You know, like those Operation Rainfall games, they're super popular, and we finally got them from Colony 6."

Shulk only gets an eye roll in response. "At least Reyn is useful! He'd probably be a better host than a scrawny kid like you!"

The teenager stands up, face scrunched in an attempt at rage. "My body is perfect swimsuit model material, thank you very much. Reyn is just bulky."

Deep down, Dickson feels a surge of laughter bubble up — Shulk completely missed the point. He swallows this down, though, and musters up the best angry face he can get. "Get out! You're grounded, Shulk!"

"What?! But I'm 18!" he insists.

"Yeah? Well, then, I'm 44,000."

"Haha, hahaha, haha, hahahaha — wait, what?"

"I said nothing. Now, get goin', I need new materials for my weapon requests!"

Shulk exhales forcefully, glares hard at Dickson, and storms out, slamming the door behind him. With a moaning sigh, Dickson relaxes and mutters something dark under his breath. "That kid. And he wonders why I go away as often as I do."

* * *

"Ugh…" Shulk flops down in the grass of the scrap yard and groans. "I hate this. It's always so picked over; like I know anyone else who likes dumpster diving." Snorting, he glances toward a dragonfly — a very random creature in the middle of Homs and fantasy creatures — landing gently on an antenna. "Gosh, I wish I was more like this…thing. Free to fly anywhere I wish! Like, if I could use the Monado, I could just _ka-chow_ and _CHEWOWOWOW_! those Mechon. But I can't. Only Dunban can, and I'm not Dunban!" he says sarcastically. "But _Dickson_ thinks I am!"

He suddenly quits his ranting and stares out past the dragonfly. "Hey, wait a second…" Propping himself up, Shulk mumbles something and rubs his temples. "Why didn't I see this when I was staring at all of this junk before?! This is like, what, one of five pieces of metal in this entire place? Well, whatever. This'll make a great weapon for…someone! Maybe not the entire colony, but maybe Reyn! …or someone…" His face darkens.

 _Hey, Shulk, maybe if you find some special piece of armor, you could make a shield for your future wifey._

He shudders at Dickson's wry comment. "I will not marry! NEET is love, NEET is life!" Grabbing the piece of Mechon armor, he pulls hard with a grunt. Suddenly, a wild Krabble attacks!

 _Dewdewdewdewdewdewdewdewdew dewdewdewdewDO!_

Shulk uses Screech! It's not very effective!

Krabble uses Bubble attack! It's super-effective!

Shulk sends out Reyn!

Reyn uses Wild Down! Wild Krabble _dies_!

Shulk gasps for breath, blubbering behind Reyn's massive shoulders. "Whoa, man, you alright?"

"Alright?! I nearly got killed by a stupid level 1 crab! How alright do you think I am, Reyn! And anyways," Shulk straightens and looks hard at him, getting out from behind his friend. "how'd you get here so fast? Like, really? You uh, weren't hiding behind that tree over there, were you?"

The two look over toward said tree, Reyn unusually quiet, confusion twisting his face. "Um, no."

"T-then a bush? The path!"

"Nope."

"Oh," The sharp, realization moment cuts into Shulk's tone as he suddenly knows what had happened. "don't tell me this was a deus ex machina moment, Takahashi."

Reyn grins, showing his teeth in a wide, impish smile, and pops his thumb up. "It's Reyn time, baby!"


	3. Arranged Marrage

*******A look into the daily life of Shulk's bride-to-be.*******

"Oh, dear, sweet, brother-dear, just how are you feeling today?" Fiora asks, holding a tray with a bowl of stereotypical curry. She emerges from the staircase and walks over to Dunban's bed, setting the tray down gently on his bedside table. "You still cannot move your right arm?"

Dunban quickly moves his right arm in a relaxed position on the headrest of the cot and smiles sheepishly. "Um…yeah. Yep, it's a beast."

"Oh, my. Oh, you poor baby. Well, eat up~!" She grins and folds her hands in front of her in pleasure.

Despite only having his right arm crippled from the vicious attack of his own weapon — the Monado — Dunban remains in bed, consumed by the Operation Rainfall games just as much as everyone else his age. And not his age. No, he remains in bed to make certain that his little sister gets as much practice at being a wife as possible in order to cater to Shulk just as she provides for him; not that he needs it, he can perfectly well get up on his own, he just likes to _tell himself_ that he's giving Fiora marital practice.

Fiora smiles further, as if waiting for something. Dunban only stares at her. "Well? You don't have to watch me eat, lil' sis, you can go clean the kitchen or whatever else you women do."

She pouts and slumps against the side of the cot. "But Shulk still needs his food, too." Her demeanor suddenly changes to a bitter girl who would really rather not spend all her waking days peddling food to men who could very well get it themselves.

"Oh! Well, then, I guess you should go and do that, then. I completely forgot about your future hubby."

"Whose idea was it, anyways?" He frowns at her flat glare toward him as she tips her head back, drawing her knees into her chest. "Yours, or Dick's?"

"I-I thought you liked him!" Dunban exclaims, straightening in shock. "I was only trying to help ship you two together! It's canon, i-it's in _Xenoblade Chronicles_!"

"You know that's only a stupid fanfiction. Real life, Dunban, is different." she remarks coldly.

"Bu-but Fiora x Shulk!"

"You're so gross."

"Ugh. Go give Shulk his food, Fiora. You're not giving him the rest of my curry, are you? That's mine."

She groans. "Seriously?! That was all I made!"

"You know the second-worst stereotypical food women give to their men?"

"What?"the girl asks coldly.

Dunban grins, his smile widening. "Sandwiches. You should have those prepared, now Shulk will have to wait even more now all because you sat here complaining! And now my curry is cold! Just go, already, I'm hungry!"

"O-okay, okay!"Fiora hastily stands and exhales. "Gosh, I'm gonna suck as a wife!"

"What? You? _No_."

"Shut up!"

Blowing up some stray hairs, Fiora finally gets out of the house, a wicker box with a strap slung over her shoulder, building up a dead sprint. "Ooff!"

"Ow! Hey, watch it, Fiora." Fiora stumbles back from Dickson, rubbing her nose. "Where are you going in such a hurry anyways?" He eyes her with suspicion.

She puffs her cheeks in wounded pride. "I was just going to see Shulk and bring him his lunch."

"Ah. Here's your free Plot Coupon for the day, Fiora: I sent him to go outside — you'll know where he'll have gone." Dickson turns and looks up at the sky.

"The scrap yard!" Fiora replies.

"What? No!" Dickson replies, genuinely shocked and taken aback.

"Well, then, where else does Shulk ever go outside?!" the girl replies, abashed, fists going onto her hips. "I don't know where he'll have gone, so please, do tell me!" Dickson mutters something and rolls his eyes, his hands also going to his hips. "Language!"

"Shut up! Ugh!" He snarls a curse word under his breath and briefly turns away before looking at the girl again. "He's at Outlook Park. Congratulations, crowning moment of ignorance achieved! You blew it, I was suppose to sound all awesome and mysterious and be all like: 'You know where he'll have gone,' and you were suppose to be like, 'Oh! Outlook Park~!'" he finishes in a falsetto. " _Great! Moment killed!"_ Dickson screams, pushing past her to go into Dunban's house.

Fiora can only stare and blink in surprise. "Uh…"

By the time Fiora finally got way out to Outlook Park, Shulk's sandwiches might as well be a midnight snack. Even still, Shulk still sat there, staring off into space and mumbling complete nonsense about the Monado.

"Um, Shulk? I uh, brought you…sandwiches!"

"Oh!" He whips around, a wide smile spreading across his face like the mayo on those sandwiches. "Sandwich-kun!"

"What?"

"Oh, Sandwich-kun, how I've missed you so much! Gimme it, gimme it, gimme it!" Fiora quickly throws the basket off of her shoulder onto the bench. Shulk dives toward it like a wolf, only to have Fiora slap his hands away as she sits down.

"Um, so, Shulk," Fiora starts, glancing at the boy with distain.

"Hm?"

She clears her throat and quietly pushes the basket toward him. "You know about our, uh, arranged marriage." Shulk eagerly opens the basket, then looks up and nods, oddly somber. "Well, I was thinking that um, we could, um… Gosh, this is really going nowhere, isn't this?"

Shulk only shrugs, his right hand, holding the cup of water, silently twisting around, to his mouth, away from his mouth, to his mouth, away from his mouth — Fiora stops trying to come up with more to say and can only stare at the freakish monstrosity that the cameras never revealed.

"U-um…"

"What is it, Fiora?"

"Nothing." she wheezes out, finally tearing her gaze from the wrist with a shudder and a squeeze shut of her eyes. Bile rises up in her throat to her mouth, which only makes it all the more worse.

Thankfully, saved by the literal bell, an odd, low siren begins to sound. Both look up, Shulk's hand going back to where it should be and how it should move, and he quickly scrambles up. "The debris siren. We should hurry up and leave, the Anti-Air batteries oddly don't cover the whole colony."

"Shoot." An idea begins to form in her mind, and she smiles sickly. "Uh, yeah, that sucks. Let's go back." Fiora grabs his hand, and she yanks him down the steps, hurrying across the grass to the colony entrance.

When she sees debris falling toward them, she hastily pulls him toward it, only to have him dodge the sharp shrapnel hastily. "Crap! It's really coming down!" He suddenly grins wickedly and shoves Fiora away from him, where another large piece of metal hurtles toward the ground. She shrieks and dives out of the way, and once the awkward pair gets inside the Anti-Air battery protection area, they each sigh in dejection, slump their shoulders, and go their separate ways.

"Dang it, I failed." Fiora mutters, walking back to Dunban's house.

"Shoot, I was so close, to!" Shulk snarls bitterly, storming off to the weapons development lab.

"Oh, well, there's always next time." the two say to themselves, not realizing the other was thinking the same thing.


	4. Monado Theft

The following morning felt a little odd to Shulk. He sits up and purses his mouth, scrunching up his face in thought. Shrugging, the brilliant engineer glances up from his cot in the laboratory, only to see the cause of his weird feeling — Reyn.

"H-hey, Shulk-!" Shulk bolts up and gasps when his eyes latch onto the Monado clutched in his supposed best friend's hands. "Uh, don't mind me, okay? Just…causing some exposition! Haha!"

The Fragile Bunniv Shulk growls and balls his hands into tight fists. "You know how much I hate exposition!"

"Try to stop me!"

"Oh, I will!" Shulk gets into a feeble fighting stance, head lowered, teeth clenched. "The players need action and excitement that rivals only _Xenoblade Chronicles!_ " Reyn only smirks and holds out the Monado as his chosen weapon to fight with. "I'm really feeling it!" he warns.

"Yeah? Man, what a buncha jokers! Fiora just tried to stop me too, but I've been training in the defense force my whole life _for this moment alone._ " Reyn cackles a wicked laugh and swings the sword testingly. "There's no way Dunban can wield this and I can't."

"I don't know, Reyn, he's pretty strong."

"Well, I'm stronger!"

Shulk suddenly jerks up as if some bright idea graced him. "That's it, I'm done." Throwing his arms out, he sulks out of the room.

Reyn blinks hard in surprise, then clears his throat and hardens. "Well, it's about Reyn time, baby! Finally, I can have the Monado all for myself! Yes, yes, my Precious…" He holds the sword close to his massive chest, stroking it with tender lovin' care. "My Precious…"

He stares out the doors as Shulk strides out, whistling. Reyn only stares further when Shulk suddenly begins arguing with himself.

 _"What?! What are you doing, you're letting that brute have the Monado? Are you insane?! Get back over there, Shulk, get back over there this instant!"_

"You aren't my father! And neither is Dickson! I don't care about researching a weapon that hurt my hero!"

 _"Dang it, now I wish I didn't zap that man's arm to oblivion."_

"Yeah, you goofed."

 _"Crap."_

Blinking in surprise, Reyn tears himself away from the scene and gazes deeply at the red sword. "Why am I surprised? Shulk is this way, then that way with this thing. You deserve more than only half attention…mwahahahaha…"

He suddenly jumps. "Oh! Wait, Shulk, whatzyourname, come back!"

Shulk stops and turns around warily. "Don't you dare try to give that thing back to me. It's evil." he hisses, volume dropped.

"Uh, no. I was wondering if you'll go to Tephra Cave with me, y'know. I really can't go and get fresh ether canisters myself after my own comrades smashed one up."

"Sure?"

"Yay!"

"You're going _where_ with Shulk?" Both boys whip around as Fiora gives them a dull look of contempt from the doorway, arms folded. "Shulk's delicate. Not like you, Reyn. He'll smash like the glass cannon he is and suddenly you have an enemy in Colony 9." _Though I really wouldn't mind otherwise, I want the pleasure of Shulk's death for myself…hahaha…_

"So, Colonel Vangarre?" The teenager's face was the textbook stare of sincerity.

She only sighs and rolls her eyes. "You're such an idiot, Reyn."

"Don't care. Come'on, Shulk."

The two start off, but are halted by Shulk's tight hand on the Monado. "That stays."

"Aw…"

Shulk sighs. "You can take it later. We won't need it for Noob Cave. Trust me."

Some minutes later, the pair face off against their first real threat in Tephra Cave: Bunnivs.

"Crap! Crap!"

"We need the Monado! Whyyy?"

At sundown, the friends finally make it to the Mag Mell Ruins, gasping for breath and covered with little bunny bite and claw marks, their hair ruined just like this old ship they stand before that somehow got in a mountain.

Reyn wheezes slightly and fans himself with his hands. "Son of a Dickson, that stings!"

"Why didn't we level up before this…?" Shulk moans. "And why are you the one to go get the ether cylinders," he asks with a whining tone. "after all, you didn't break that mech." Reyn only stares at him. "You did…break that mech."

Shaking his head, he straightens from being stooped over his knees and stumbles forward into the hull of the ancient ship. "Wow. I can't believe that there's a ship in here."

"It's made by the High Entia…supposedly." the scientist replies, still out of breath.

"The High-Who? They weren't uh, heheh, um…"

"No, Reyn."

"But if we all know about the battle between the Bionis and the Mechonis years ago and all that, then why don't we know about this Whatzitsname?"

Shulk blinks and looks over at him. "I don't know."

Reyn shrugs and jumps past the threshold. "Ally-oop! Well, if they really are that forgettable and whatever, they can't all be super important to the plot and all that."

"Exactly my point." Shulk walks into Mag Mell Ruins and glances around, disgruntled. "Is the cylinder hanger really just through here? That's so boring."

"What were you expecting? A big boss battle or something?"

Shulk, eyes large, suddenly pushes Reyn. "Don't say things like that! Don't jinx us, are you crazy!"

At Reyn's high-pitched giggle in response, Shulk shudders and sprints over to the staircase. "Come on, I know just how to make this more interesting, I did something kinda-sorta similar to this in my game!"

"Bu-but _Xenoblade Chronicles_ isn't real! Shulk!" Reyn hurries after him, only to suddenly stop at the top of the stairs. "Wait, why did I just say that?" Shaking his head hard, he dashes down the empty catwalk and through the automatic door to where Shulk stood, waiting impatiently in front of another door, this time locked. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Shulk shuffles his feet and cracks an embarrassed smile. "C-Could you maybe stand there in the right corner of the door and make like a statue — remain put?"

"Sure-?" Reyn, confused, stands in place. Shulk cackles and shoves himself into his best friend. "Ow! Owowow! That hurts, Shulk, the door has sharp metal!" the soldier whines. With a gasp, Shulk abruptly stumbles forward into a horror movie-like hallway, narrow and dark. "What the!" Blinking hard, Reyn glances around the new area, then at the locked door.

"Science!" Shulk proclaims, striding forward with a confident march. "Now come'on, we've got a Cave Skeeter to find."


	5. Mechon Invasion

"A-are you ki-kiddng me, Shulk?! We spend nearly three hours at that stupid cave trying to exploit your stupid _Xenoblade Chronicles_ game's stupid glitch in real life, and clearly, it will not work!"

Shulk, shivering, glares up at Reyn with clear hatred in his eyes, arms wrapped tightly around his perfect body, stripped down to the skivvies. Reyn, with many skeeter bites starting to swell up on him, trembles himself and lets out a frustrated scream. "I hate this!"

"You were the one to constantly shove me off the ledge of Villa Cave! You're _lucky_ life is like my game, otherwise you'll be dealing with your best friend's death! Honestly, let's just go get those ether canisters." He stalks out of the Mag Mell Ruins and into a hairpin passage, only to stop and glance around, still shivering. "I needed those experience points." he says darkly to himself, eyes narrowing.

 _"So you can do it, right?"_

 _"Oh, of course I can do it, but I don't see what the big deal is, being married off to a good cook, you claim."_

 _"Look, just do it, okay? Hitmen don't question."_

 _"You can't even say 'kill her,' can you?"_

 _"Kill her! Kill her now!"_

 _"Son of a Dickson, I wasn't made to deal with marital squabbles!"_

 _"Don't care, I'm paying you!"_

Reyn mutters something and runs after him. "Do you even know where you're going?! I can't believe a fragile bunniv like you was able to get to Mag Mell Ruins in the past, let alone now!"

"Shut up!"

Blowing stray hairs up, Shulk throws on some armor and shakes his head hard, then starts back again with Reyn right behind him. The friends turn the sharp corner and stop when they see the cave exit, bathed in a warm orange glow. Reyn only growls, and a smile beams on Shulk's face.

"Huh. Must be sundown _already_!" he remarks sarcastically. "Ol' Squaretache is gonna have my biceps for this, I told him we'd be back by lunch! I'll give him your biceps, Shulk!"

"Well, come on, then! Don't just stand there if we're in a rush!"

The pair run into the sunlight, only to find that the nice, warm orange glow is really not nice and really not sunlight.

Shulk and Reyn can only stare down the cliff face at their Colony 9, burning below them and swarming with hundreds of mechon. "Wha…what…"

The music sharpens to a cruel beat as more mechon fly above them. "We gotta get back to the colony!" Reyn gasps. "S-skip travel, skip travel, skip trav — what the crap, we can't skip travel?!"

"In this urgentness?! You're kidding, right, Reyn?"

"Uh, no."

" _Takahashiiii_!"

* * *

Gasping, the pair struggle to shore, soaked to the skin and still stinging from their thousand-foot plunge off of cylinder hanger's cliff face.

"We gotta hurry!"

Shulk staggers to his feet and sprints to Dunban's house, Reyn lagging behind. He finally stops, hands planted firmly on his thighs, wheezing. "And I was always told…haa…hah…tha-that Shulk was scrawny!"

"What are you waiting for?!" his friend screams. Reyn only waves him off, then straightens and rushes over to him.

Fiora bursts her way out of the house, glancing around. She sees Shulk, and her face suddenly grows a bright red. "O-oh! Shulk, I didn't…I didn't expect you here."

"Where did you think I'd be…?"

"N-nowhere! Really!"

He looks around, agitated. "Where's Dunban?"

"Dunban? He's uh, well, he's uh… You know what? I really don't know myself, but he might maybe be at uh, the Residential District? You know, helping Betty quit staring at Kenny Rohan long enough to get to the bunkers."

The engineer gets a peeved look on his face. "Why aren't we being led to the bunkers? Is our status as heroes too high for that? Are we meant to risk our lives and prove that scrawny, NEET teenagers really can fight off a mechon invasion?!"

"Uh, no. I was ordered to stay behind to protect the NPCs," Reyn comments with a slight smirk on his face, "so I figured you two will just love to help me with this too."

" _Can you not do ANYTHING by yourself_?!"

"Uh, no."

"Great." Shulk snarls, facepalming himself. Fiora suddenly grabs him, her body tensed up. "What?"

"W-we gotta get going, the mechon may come over here at any minute!"

"Oh, right. The Residential District. Where they'll be swarming the most if they wanna eat people." Fiora nods, pleased, and the two boys only sigh and follow her.

* * *

"Dunban~!" Fiora asks in an odd, false tone. "Oh, Dunban, where for art thou, Dunban?"

Shulk chuckles dryly behind her and elbows Reyn. "She does know that she's asking 'why are you _Dunban_ ,' right?"

"Haha, hahaha…" he replies, forcing out a laugh.

The girl turns around, still-false panic now on her face. "Oh, my, D-Dunban isn't here!"

"Hey, maybe he's chillin' with Dionysis! He's a great guy, I've hung around him on more than one occasion." Reyn says with a absent-minded shrug. "Probably playing 'war' right now."

ACTUALLY HAPPENING SCENE —

Dionysis cackles as he slams down a king card adorned with an image of Levi Ackerman, then reaches across the table and takes Dunban's queen card. "Haha! Now I have all of your face cards!"

With an angry scream, Dunban picks up the Monado, propped up against the table, and slams it down against it before doing an angry Dark Lord Temper Tantrum throughout the elder's house.

"Anyways," Fiora cuts in impatiently, "Reyn, what time is it?"

Reyn grins, but a quick, sharp glare cuts off whatever it was he was going to say.

"Never mind. Shulk, what time is it?"

"Shulk time, baby!"

"What?! What is that even from?!"

"Er, Reyn." Shulk replies rather fast, head down, face flushed in embarrassment.

"Haha! Okay, buddy, you get my quarter." Reyn slaps Shulk's hand, limp in the air.

The trio suddenly freeze as a dark shadow dwarfs them.

"HAHA! YOU DID GOOD, MONADO BOY." Metal Face cackles, landing with a toss of his head. "FIORUNG."

Fiora quickly bows and flashes Shulk a dark look paired with a wicked smile — for a moment Shulk could actually swear he saw her irises glow red.

"WELL, NOW THAT WE GOT THE MEET UP SPOT ACTUALLY CORRECT THIS TIME, FIORUNG, I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR ANY PAIN YOU MAY EXPERIENCE. IT WILL BE EXTREMELY EXCRUCIATING."

Shulk screams a laugh and points at Fiora. "Ha! Haha! **Hahahahahahaha**!" For a moment, Fiora could actually swear she heard Shulk's voice distort. "You're so dead, now, Fiora, I got the best hitman _ever_!"

"What?!" But Fiora's stinging remark wasn't toward Shulk. "How could you betray me and listen to that horrible pig! I told you he'd try to pull something like this! This is so like Shulk, doing his little split-personality thing again! Acting all sweet when he really wants to kill me!"

"LOOK," The faced mechon can only shrug, helpless. "I REALLY JUST TAKE THE JOBS WHEN I CAN. MONEY IS TIGHT, AND I GOT A BUNCHA LITTLE REPLICAS I GOTTA FEED AT HOME. JUST…JUST DIE FOR ME, OKAY?"

Fiora, face completely blanched, streaks off toward the mech crashed against a resident's house and climbs into it. "You're suppose to kill Shulk!" she says hotly, shoving the controls forward.

But it doesn't budge.

It doesn't fire.

"Oh yeah! Haha, I forgot, we got so caught up in getting to the colony in time that we completely forgot to pick up the ether cylinders!" Reyn suddenly bursts out, rubbing the back of his head, a sheepish smile plastered all over his face.

Metal Face slowly approaches Fiora, slashing his claws in the air. Reyn can only stand in horror, and at the sight of blood on his claws, both boys scream, and Reyn throws up a little on Shulk's hair. "Oh, Bionis, this can't be parodied in the least bit!"

Shulk exhales, cringes at the warm sensation trickling down his forehead, and steps forward. "Thanks, man. You're a lifesaver. Like, literately."

"I REALLY DON'T THINK I'M SAVING YOUR LIFE HERE. FIORUNG COMMISSIONED ME TO KILL YOU OFF TOO."

"You're really taking orders from someone's who's dead now?!" Shulk asks, hysterical.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

Shulk gasps, only to have it be cut off with a bubble of blood, as Metal Face plunges his claws deep into his chest cavity. Reyn completely breaks down at this sight before sprinting away. " _I'LL KILL YOU_!" he screams, before diving off the edge of the platform. "Uh… _LATER_!"

"EGIL'LL BE ECSTATIC WITH ME NOW! HAHAHAHAHA!" Scooping up the pair of them, Metal Face loads up his back end and soars off into the sunset along with the remainder of his little mechon lackeys, leaving the colony in a very tranquil, quiet mood as the day closes to Reyn's hysterical screaming.

(Author's Note: "Apologies. It gets better, I swear. Think what would happen if Zanza gets stuck in a mechon's body…")

 *******You have no idea how happy I was to see my traffic feed for this and all the views it got even when I couldn't post right away due to an unexpected iPad crash. Thank you. And also a big thanks to those who have posted reviews! They really mean a lot to me, and are a huge help!**

 **Matthewavaughan1998, I really appreciate the constructive feedback and idea — I didn't even think of that!**

 **Dark Pit not Pitoo: Haha, yes! That about sums it up.**

 **Guesty: That's probably the best compliment I've ever received for my stories, thank you!**

 **Any plot points that just didn't sit right with you? I might be able to tie them in, haha! ^_^ Again, a big thanks toward everyone! *******


	6. The Start of a Journey

**Big thanks for matthewavaughan1998 for his suggestion!**

Reyn sits in the weapons' development lab, sniveling and crouched in front of a bag of dry lemons, mindlessly eating them, only to pinch his face together at the icy interior, choke it down, and continue to cry.

"Reyn. What are you doing here, eating from…my stash of…dry lemons…" Dunban's voice trails off, and he eyes the Monado — innocently on its stand — longingly. "Ha! I mean, what are you doing in the lab?" Clearing his throat, he tries to look suave and cool-headed, while on the inside, he was seething.

"Thi-this was Shulk's favorite hangout."

"I thought Outlook Park was his favorite."

"What the _mechon_ , are you serious?!"

"Uh — _no_. Hahaa."

"Done. Done!" Reyn screams, abruptly standing and kicking the dry lemon bag. He grabs the Monado violently and quickly storms out.

With a cry, Dunban falls to his knees and scoops up his tiny collectibles as if they are his children. "My dry lemons…so beautiful…wasted…"

He glances up darkly. "Where's that kid going?" With a sigh, he leaves his lemons and hurries after him.

"Reyn!" He stops, halfway across the bridge, and flashes a cold, dead stare his direction. "Hey, kid," Dunban says nervously, raising his hands. "yo…you okay? What's up, huh? Jus-just put the Monado down…"

"I-I'm going on a journey!" Reyn replies hotly.

"What?" Dunban frowns. He didn't expect that for an answer.

"I want to go to Colony 6! They're still around, right?" He pauses and glances at him warily. "You wanna come too?"

"Radio crapped out last year, so you may be on a wild goose chase right there…" A dry smile cracks his lips as he thinks back to the war a year ago and where he and Dick…son left the forces to fall back to. "But, uh, they're probably still around. Probably. But! Look, so, this journey is for you to avenge your friends' deaths. I may have lost my sister, but this is yours and your quest alone. Solo. I wouldn't wanna get in the way of teenage puberty."

So Reyn went without the guidance and support of a responsible adult, to head off for points unknown to even him all alone. Who knows? Maybe Reyn is Cheryl's son, who decided to head off on his adventure behind schedule.

Psyche.

* * *

With a sigh, Reyn rests a hand on the Monado, now secure on his back, and glances around. The clingy, damp air of Tephra Cave makes him wish he had warmer armor options than armor that flaunts his muscles like fanservice for the ladies.

Reyn suddenly smirks.

Not that he minds.

Shulk suddenly elbows Reyn hard. "Come on, Reyn, quit daydreaming. We should be getting going."

"Yeah," Fiora chimes in, a mischievous smile drawing on her face, "come on, Reyn."

He grins in reply and leads his friends with a confident stride. _This is gonna be great!_


	7. Zanza Wants to be a Child Again

**Fourteen Years Prior, in a flashback a bit too late…**

A group of several Homs march through a biting blizzard. A woman, trailing the back, tightly grips the hand of a tiny 4-year-old.

" _Mooom_ , can't we go home now?"

"No, honey."

" _Mooom_ , are we there yet?"

"No, honey."

" _Mooom_ , are we there yet now~?"

"No, honey. Ask your father."

" _Daaad_ , are we there yet?"

"Look, honey, why couldn't we had just left Shulk at home?" he whines, just like his child son.

She scowls at him. "We couldn't find a babysitter."

He groans exasperatedly. " _Mooom_?"

The expedition group finally makes it to the grateful shelter of Ose Tower. Shulk coos in joy and skips over to the Monado, pulsing an odd, creepy light.

"Can I have it?"

"No."

" _Mooom_."

"No."

Meanwhile, Zanza eyes the group with lust. "Huuuh… boring, boring, boring, boring — ooh! A little four-year-old boy, how perfect! Out of all of the strong people in this room, this random child will do just fine for my host! I just love regression! Alley-oop! Body-hop~!"

Shulk abruptly collapses.

"Shulk!" his mother exclaims.

"Ah, leave him. He's probably exhausted, poor kid, being dragged through all of Bionis like this."

"Yeah, poor kid."

"Now, I need energy from people, just like how they did it in _The Matrix_ …"

Everyone glances down at the tiny 4-year-old, muttering darkly to himself, his eyes still closed. " _Shuuulk_?" his parents say simultaneously.

"Yeah, that has to be portrayed correctly if it was on TV…" A pause. The Colony 9 group breathes in relief. "Awesome. Science! Energy-swipe~!"

"Oh, man, oh man, I gotta make sure I tell Shulk's parents that I can babysit him! Why did I have to be away when they left?" Dickson, gasping for breath from his easeful pace through the Bionis, stumbles into the tower. "I wish I assumed a younger form…"

He's silent. " _Well_ , I guess I'm babysitting the brat for the long-term."

 **Fourteen Years Later…**

Villa Lake stretches out before Reyn as he strides into the great cave opening, stalactites dripping into the water. He furrows his brow and glances around, his gaze finally dropping onto the large trail of vines tracing down a pillar.

"Hey, look, guys! A convenient trail of vines in only one location that goes straight up to where we need to go next!"

"Whoa! Great spot, Reyn!" Shulk replies in a chipper tone. "This'll be easy to climb up to now!"

"Thanks, I'm awesome."

Reyn flashes a prideful smile, eyes clouded with a sudden sense of grief, and continues forward. His hands take in a fistful of the vines, and his feet latch into a couple of niches; the boy begins to scale forward with an audible grunt.

Once at the top, he casts a glance in the direction he and Shulk stood pushing each other off of the ledge in a fruitless attempt at getting past that bothersome, clearly-man-made barrier. He twitches in disgruntlement — why would a Homs build a wall there?

"That's so stupid." He doesn't even realize he uttered anything until the words reach his ears. Then he realizes that it's his voice. With a shiver, he turns the other way. "Ugh. Spiderwebs."

Before him was a corridor of webs, twisting and lacing up and down the walls of where he must traverse next.

"Geez. I'm glad I stayed far away from those spiders back there. Freakin' scary, I dunno why Shulk doesn't seem to mind them."

"Well, you're acting like such a baby, Reyn!" Shulk retorts hotly. Reyn turns to him, then only laughs. Shulk joins in joyously. "Anyways, I'm just glad we didn't stop for a nap or anything, we don't know what could be lurking here."

Fiora shrugs, clearly uncomfortable. "Why would anyone stop for a nap in a place like this?" she asks in a soft voice.

"Dunno. We should just get the heck outta here, yeah?" With a shuddering breath, Reyn advances forward, shoulders hunched in like some spider will jump out and bite him. Shulk only sighs and follows, and Fiora hurries along. The two glance at each other with distain, then sniff and look away.

The claustrophobic corridor opens up to a small, circular room, looking as if a thousand spiders all nestled their way in there. Reyn lets out a low squeal and shuffles forward.

Shulk suddenly shoves Reyn hard. With a scream, he lands with a heap at the bottom and coughs, sticky webs coating his face. Fiora only laughs and jumps down neatly, Shulk climbing after her. "That's what you get for pushing me that many times into Villa Lake!"

The smell is unbearable.

"Geez, if _Xenoblade Chronicles_ had smell-o-vision, this would be it." Shulk comments with a shrug. "Looks just like the in-game location, too."

"Ugh! Enough about your stupid game, Shulk, it's not real!"

"I know it's not. I'm just saying, the recursive similarities are pretty neat-o, huh?"

Reyn gives a blank stare at his friend. Shulk blinks, clearly confused.

"Uh, Alvis. Shulk doesn't say 'neat-o.'"

 **"What? Oh. Apologizes, Reyn. I will get that straightened out impromptu."**

"Great, thanks."

 **"…"**

"What?"

 **"Did I really have to recreate your friends' personalities' from scratch?"**

"Uh, yeah."

 **"Look, I don't have time for this right now."**

"What, why?!"

To anyone watching, Reyn was whining to absolutely nothing.

 **"Because I gotta hit the loo. Cheers."**


	8. Reyn's Gut Fluid

"Reyn…find your True Monad — wait, wait a second, wait, hold on…"

Alvis furrows his brow and pages through a hefty script. "Mm… son of a Dickson, there's so much lines… okay, okay, I got the line down now. I swear, Takahashi, I got it now!"

Throwing aside the bound pages, Alvis straightens his back and clears his throat testingly. "Reyn…" The man's voice changes back to a serene, mysterious voice as "A Spiritual Place" kicks up in the background. "…find your True Monado…find it…"

"You _idiot_!" He flinches and whips around. "The script says _Shulk_ , not _Reyn_! Ugh! Try it again!"

"Bu-but Reyn is right in front of me… and you were the one to kill off Shulk!" Alvis protests. "Not me, I didn't just bump off the main character like a soap opera!"

"There's a lot of smoke, you probably just don't see Shulk clearly enoug — _cut the smoke machine_!"

"But, sir, the smoke machine crashed after you ordered us to run it as high as it'll go; it's not made to release that much smoke that quickly, sir!"

"I said, _cut the smoke machine_!"

"S-sir!"

"And as punishment, I want you to do 1,000 press-ups from the both of you, and no stopping until your biceps _explode_!"

"S-sir!"

Alvis lets out a nervous sound and goes to re-try his line, only to suddenly jump and let out a scream as the booming voice turns his attention toward the man. "You too, Alvis!"

"But I am only a computer, I was not made to do press-ups, my muscles are not even real!" he protests.

"Good, then I don't have to see unnecessary gore." Takahashi strides away whistling a discordant "Riki's Theme."

Standing there, Alvis shakes and mutters something. Reyn, from the distance, cranes his neck to try to see over the fog. "What?" he calls out. "Uh, I didn't hear you!"

"I said, _wake up_ , Reyn, what are you playing at?! Gosh!" Alvis storms off. "I hate acting out dream scenes, they take no real talent, if I could just go back on _Dragon Quest_ or even that _Harry Potter_ video game, I'd rather voice Cedric Diggory all day long than do this crap! That's it, I'm hitting the loo."

* * *

Reyn gasps himself awake. "Whoa! Talk about a messed-up dream, I can't believe Vangarre was in it! But…huhhh…wait, that didn't sound like Vangarre…hm…"

 _"That's it, I'm hitting the loo."_

"Oh! I know!" Reyn exclaims. "The dream is a prediction that I'll have an enlarged prostate in the future…!" His face greys and pales. "Wait…"

The boy's screams were the first exciting thing to happen to Tephra Cave since the High Entia's ship somehow crashed into it.

Stomach feeling like an ocean polluted with ether, Reyn shakily stands and staggers forward a few steps. From out of nowhere, frightened by the young boy's scream, the Arachno Queen drops down from the ceiling right. Behind. Reyn.

Fangs dripping with an unknown substance, eyes glinting with a primal light in its black depths, it stares down Reyn's back.

Minutes tick by. Reyn, muttering things about "having to use the loo every hour like Dickson," and "getting old like Dickson," holds his gut and only moans, completely oblivious to the monstrosity behind him.

She slowly clicks her clampers together as if saying, "yo, _dude_ , come on, I'm right here, suspense, anyone? Anyone?"

Meanwhile, sidelined, Shulk and Fiora — freshly returned from Alvis' abrupt disappearance — scream incoherent words at him.

"I did not mean that, I did not mean that, Reyn!"

"Read in-between the lines!"

"Be like Joseph!"

"Corn! Cows! _Spider_!"

Though it sounded more like Alvis pleaded with him than Shulk and Fiora.

Reyn quietly raises a hand. "Guys. Guys. Calm down, it's not like there's a big ol' spider in that Bible story —" He finally turns around.

" _SON OF A DICKSON_!"

Reyn's stomach, full of baked beans, breakfast burritos, Bunnit stew, and a lot of worry, snapped like a bad wave in that polluted ocean. His first instinct was less of "let's run away from the spider" and more like "let's run straight toward this spider." Though it was really more like "the only exit level to where I'm at is right here, and I need to find a bathroom" for Reyn.

Shoving past the Queen, dumbfounded, Reyn makes it to the webs blocking the only clear exit and doesn't realize the path is blocked until the dam broke and everything spills out.

Reyn collapses through the hard webs and stumbles back to his feet, whipping around while wiping his mouth with his wrist. Shulk and Fiora only stare at him, also dumbfounded.

"B-but according to _Xenoblade Chronicles_ , you need the Queen's Gut Fluid in order to break through that wall of webs…"

"No, Shulk. I think all we needed was Reyn's gut fluid."

The Queen promptly gave up her gut fluid anyways in an act of sympathy puking.

"Ah, gross! All over my new boots!" Shulk exclaims.

"They're two of a kind." Fiora remarks quietly.

* * *

The trio haphazardly march out of Boring Cave and into bright sunlight streaming onto their faces.

"Ahh, the breeze feels so good."

"What breeze?" Shulk asks, turning toward Fiora.

"Nothing!"

"Woo, I'm just glad we're finally out of that cave forever." Reyn comments, rolling his sore shoulder yet again. And again. And again. "Like, seriously, I'm so done with that place. So done."

Glancing back, Reyn lets out another exaggerated gasp. "Wooh, dude, check that out, Mechonis! I mean, it's not as if we can't see him at Colony 9, right? Right?"

Shulk fingers his chin thoughtfully. "Well, actually, I don't think we can."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"Huhhh…"

"And I think it's a girl."

"Woof!"

 **For a brief moment, I considered making the Arachno Queen a permanent member of the group. Man, what a buncha jokers, right?**

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: Thank you for your support! It really means a lot to me! :) and yes, he is very silly indeed! ;)**


	9. No Juju

As the three approach the end of the trail, flanked by towering cliff faces casting deep shadows on the path, they all stop. Reyn's jaw drops.

"If the journey through Tephra Cave was this easy, then I'd have relocated here _years_ ago." He whistles.

"Reyn," Shulk says, a slight tone of urgency in his voice, "there's smoke in the distance."

He cranes his neck to see where Shulk points. "What? Oh, yeah, food."

"What?! You see _smoke_ and you say 'food'?!" he exclaims with a mocking tone.

"Yeah, that's…that's…" A sniffing noise fills the air. Shulk and Fiora automatically back away in disgust. "…mm. Brats."

Fiora looks up at the previous sentence. "Brats? Like, the sausage, brats?"

She only gets an especially-cranky look back. "No. Brats. Like, the incredibly-annoying children who always get you in trouble and have that look on their faces like —" Crossing Reyn's face was a vacant stare, as if he'd throw up any minute. "I don't think we should go this way. Brats are gross."

"What, brats, or…"

"Ugh! Whatever, Reyn, we don't have time!" Shulk, brooding, storms past the both of his friends. "Whoever that faced mechon was, we gotta go after it, and that means not standing around sniffing for little bratty children, _Reyn_!"

"Sorry~." Reyn shrugs and follows him leisurely.

As they get closer to the source of the smoke, Fiora only groans and Shulk only giggles in glee. "Ooooooh! It's a broken piece of technology!"

"Can we fix it?" Reyn asks.

"Yes, we can!" Shulk finishes. A pause. "Or, rather, I can."

"Anyways," the girl glances around, unsettled. "Okay, so there's screams in the distance, should we —"

Shulk presses his hand on the buggy.

 _"No! Stay away from me, heeelp!"_

He jerks back. "There's a kid over there, we should go and find him!"

Fiora's hand comes up to slap her face.

Reyn turns to Shulk. "Whoa, how'd you figure that out?"

The expression on Shulk's face was one of bewilderment and complete sincerity. "I had a vision. Of the future."

Reyn snorts. "Yeah, and Dickson's young and spry."

"Okay, so, which way, Reyn?" Shulk looks up at the muscular boy. Reyn blinks in surprise and glances around; everywhere around them was open field, teaming with wildlife that'll kill them in a heartbeat and enough killer crevasses filled with over-leveled creatures that'll kill them in a heartbeat.

His heart begins to pound, beat faster, harder. _There's so much area to cover._

"Uhhhh…"

After many days of search, the trio finally finds the source of the screams that Fiora heard and Shulk foresaw. After Fiora. A boy, hiding up in a bushy tree, points rapidly down at the Ardun lazily eating and cries, "They're so scary!"

And every player moaned.

It was to be a long day.

"So, we gotta slay these super-passive creatures just because you're…scared of them?" Reyn asks testily.

"Yes!"

Shulk twitches as his "other side" begins to come through. " _Say please, you insolent brat!_ "

"No!"

"Ugh!"

Reyn and co. pull out their weapons and get into a wary battle stance. The Monado buzzes in Reyn's grip. The Ardun…continue eating.

Reyn suddenly bursts out in a grin. "Hey, they're just like me!"

* * *

Once the apparent threat? was neutralized, the boy jumps down from the tree as if nothing at all was wrong and the trio in front of him weren't covered with Ardun blood. He smiles, the beauty mark on his face lifting with the rise of his cheek.

"Hi. I'm Juju."

And every player screamed.

It was to be a _very_ long day.

"Reyn. These are my friends, Shulk," He gestures to Fiora. "and Fiora." He gestures to Shulk, then straightens stiffly. "So uh, kid, what're ya doing here? It's about Reyn time you got home. Like, now. Please."

Juju glances around, then leans in toward the boy. "Look, I can't, Sharla'll kill me!"

"Then why'd you leave home in the first place?!"

"I don't know."

"Son of a Dickson, we ran into the worst kid ever."

Juju follows the trio back over to the buggy which was apparently his. Shulk examines it closer. "Well, can ya fix it, can ya?"

"Shut up."

"Can ya fix it — "

"No. Er, I mean, _yes_!" He forces a false, large smile. Juju brightens. "We, uh, need a new ether canister. I take it you have one?"

Fiora, Shulk, and Reyn all turn their stares to Juju, probing him as if looking for the blatantly large canister slung on his shoulder. Said canister is nonexistent.

"I take it you guys have one…?" Juju starts.

Shulk abruptly stands. "Okay, well, this thing is brand new, so how'd you break it so quickly, kid?"

The eyes all return to prob Juju. Juju only stares with dead eyes at them, as if he's going to puke. "Buggies hate me." he finally says. "It just crapped out on me. Really. I didn't purposely break it to run wild and free in the great expanse, I swear."

"Okay." As Shulk shrugs, Juju, shocked, stares at him in utter disbelief that he's home free and not punished again! "At least we didn't find you with your clothes off."

"Oh, yay." Juju pauses. "Uh, what? Ummmmmmm…"

"You're gonna drag it back, right?"

"What."

* * *

"Juju!"

When the foursome finally stop their painfully-slow trek over to Juju's camp, the kid collapses in a sweaty heap next to his buggy. A woman runs over to him. "Juju, are you alright?!"

"Ijusnedyurpillowwws."

"What? Please, speak to me." she begs. The Colony 9 trio watch, curious as to just who this woman is.

"Hug."

"Ooh." She envelops him in a hug. He presses his head against her ridiculously abundant breasts.

"What?!" Shulk and Reyn exclaim simultaneously. "The brat!"

Fiora slams her foot down hard on Shulk's, then Reyn's. "You're so immature."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Arachno Queen leaps out from behind the fallen ship in front of the camp and **eats Juju!**

The woman screams and stumbles away. The Queen glances over toward Reyn and rubs a leg against her mouth, as if trying to clean herself up, then cocks her head his way — one can only imagine a baleful smile on her face.

Shulk yips a gleeful scream and leaps up in the air, throwing his arms up. "Yes!"

The ARACHNO QUEEN has joined your team.

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: The level 108 bunnia?** ** _Yes._** **Thank you! If only he wasn't post-Mechonis Core, but maybe he'll make a little cameo appearance beforehand… ;) I hope you'll stick around to see the day when Reyn and co. get beaten…by a bunnia.**

 **And26169: Thank you very much! And I am so adding him in in the next couple of chapters! Thank you!**

 **Cue evil laugh.**


	10. In Sharla's Eyes, Reyn Equals Gadolt

Reyn, mouth agape, stares at the Arachno Queen. She stares back, black eyes glittering with soft hints of brown in the evening sun. Stammering quietly, he briefly turns around and hyperventilates, waving his pink face and ears in a fruitless effort to look normal. He can't let them see!

"Um, Reyn." Alvis' taut voice cuts in on his frenetic thoughts, and he whips around. Alvis stands where Shulk stood, Fiora nowhere in sight. "What on Mechonis are you doing?"

"U-um, um…"

"What are you doing?" Both men look up at the woman, her face contorted in freakish, confused disgust, her hands on her hips. "I may be a healer, but I _most certainly_ can't fix a mental wound. If I could, I would have fixed my fiancé a loooong time ago." She shudders, then exhales in a sigh. "He had…anger issues."

 **FLASHBACK TO A TIME ROUGHLY ONE YEAR AGO:**

 _"_ _Oh my_ gosh _! Ugh!"_

 _"_ _G-Gadolt, what's wrong-?!"_

 _"_ _We lost a ton of men, Sharla, like, a ton!"_

 _"_ _O-oh, I'm…sorry… But how is that your fault!" she suddenly outcries, grabbing his arm. "You're… uh, you're…"_

 _Gadolt grabs his ether rifle and shrugs the woman off. "Whatever. The more important thing is —" He rolls his shoulders and hefts the heavy weapon onto them. "— they told me the truth about my pet Krabble."_

 _"_ _Wait, what? I pictured you as more of the Bunnia type. The sweet, kind, fluffy, soft…" With a longing shrug, Sharla closes her eyes as if remembering a time when Gadolt wasn't the man he is today._

 _"_ _No, Sharla. Even a Bunnia wouldn't be as soft and fluffy as the history textbooks make us think." His gaze is distant, staring at the Mechonis like a long-lost girlfriend. "They're…cold, mechanical creations we've been fighting this entire time. My friend…Krabbie…was a mechon."_

 _"_ _What are you going to do?!"_

 _"_ _Something I have to do, sweetheart honey pie cakes." Sharla screams like a frightened, cliche girlfriend. "Join the Mechonis!"_

Alvis only looks bothered by that. "That is very disturbing indeed."

Reyn nods slowly. "Yes. Yes, it is."

"Who are you talking to?" the woman asks flatly, her arms now crossed in front of her chest. "'Jake from State Farm?'"

The boy gets a blank look on his face. "Wait, who?"

He turns to Alvis. Alvis adjusts the red shirt and brushes off his khaki pants, then gets a dawning look of realization on his face. "Son of a dickson." Alvis mutters quickly, disappearing with a puff of smoke and a handful of sparkles. "You're on your own, now, buddyyyy!"

"U-uh…um…" she stammers. "Um, well, I-I'm Sharla." Sharla extends out her hand. Reyn takes it firmly and shakes hard enough to nearly rip her arm off. Gritting her teeth, the woman sharply breaks away.

"Reyn!" He beams widely, his white teeth gleaming in the waining sunlight.

"Y-yeah, yeah…" Sharla says, nursing her arm.

The Arachno Queen abruptly sticks out a leg. " _Clickclick cliiiiiiiiickkkky clickckck_." Sharla pales a little bit as her eyes lift up to face the Arachno's face, Juju-juice still dripping from her mouth. " _Kk-ckk?_ "

She awkwardly takes it.

"Anyways, um, weirdo, you're gonna take me to my colony, right?"

Reyn looks up, completely bewildered. "What? I was thinking about bean burritos, I'm sorry."

"Ech."

"Yeah, I know, that's what I sound like when I eat one, too! We have so much in common!" he squeals. "Okay. Colony 9, right?"

Sharla mutters something and stretches her back out. "Uh, no. Not everyone's from your colony…" And then she sighs. "Gadolt thought that too. When we first met at and all… Mmmm… What a beefcake. Just like you…"

Reyn, silent, stammers something. "A-are you comparing me to your dead fiancé?"

"What? No!"

"Yes! Yes, you are!"

"He liked bean burritos, too!" Sharla blurts out, her face flushed a light pink.

"So what?!" Reyn replies, hysterical.

The Arachno Queen snarls something, saliva oozing from her small mouth, and rams her head into Reyn's leg.

"Oi! What the Bionis you think you're doin'?!"

" _I like bean burritos, too._ "

The boy recoils in disgust. "Ugh, so?"

" _Um, I mean, the homs lady likes you._ "

"That's totally tubular, seriously?"

" _Um, yeah._ "

"Ooh, Shulk was never this lucky!"

Sharla stares, narrowing her eyes and cracking her back sharply with a grunt. Reyn stares back, his eyes not exactly meeting hers as he shakes his shoulder out. "This is so awkward. Your stare is almost exactly like —"

"I AM NOT GADOLT!"

The woman slowly approaches him. The Arachno Queen hastily steps in front of Reyn in a motherly, protective stance. She suddenly straightens. "So anyways, weirdo, you're gonna take me out to Colony 6, yeah? I hear ruins make the best first dates…~"

" _You're accepting, right?_ "

"Why?" Reyn replies, turning toward the matchmaker spider. "She acts like I'm some dead dude."

" _Dude. Then you're going out with meeee! You might as well be dead with me as your wife~!_ "

" _EW_!" At the mature boy's high-pitched squeal of disgust, Sharla snorts a laugh, bursting out in giggles.

"We'll head through Gaur Plains first — ya'know, only way to get to our colony, aaaand it's a great scenic walk." Sharla starts forward with a little hum. "Gadolt loved~ Spiral Valley."

The Arachno Queen matches Sharla in stride, and Reyn mutters something about "being abandoned by Alvis to an insane woman."

He jumps when a hunchbacked, crippled Colony 6 refugee taps his elbow. " _Vertigo_!" she snaps.

"What? Um, lady, I'm sorry, I can't help your…"

"No, Hitchcock!"

"Uh, I'm sorry… I don't…"

Reyn begins to move away, then bolts off, legs pumping in a sprint _just like Gadolt._

* * *

Vanea squints as she stares at the two new Face pilots in front of her. The one, clad in magenta armor, shoves at the girl in pearl armor, who shoves him back with a rather beastly snarl.

"How dare you shove me, Meyneth! Show some more respect for Edward, he's a far better homs than that mechanical monstrosity you call a machina werewolf!"

"Excuse me?! _Oh_ , we can fight all day! Show me the way back to the Mechonis Core and I will whup your butt right this instant, Zanza! You child!" the woman scolds.

 _Oh, don't tell me I just goofed up._

She's silent, further staring at them blankly.

"The only child is you!"

"You _took over_ a child!"

"At least I had the courage to take over a dead child!"

 _Yep. Yep, I goofed._

 _…_ _I think Egil should dismantle Metal Face._

 **TrapMasterWarrior: Thanks! And I'm definitely going to use that idea, thank you! :)**


	11. Juju Face?

As we last left our heroes, Sharla is introduced to Reyn and, in her grief, links his many attributes to her seemingly-dead fiancé. Juju has been eaten by the Arachno Queen, and Alvis makes Reyn look like a nutcase. On purpose. Now our heroes journey across the Bionis' Leg in their quest to make it to Sharla's favorite dating spot — oh, er, Spiral Valley — unaware of the shadow closely trailing them…

 **In the Ether Mine, deep down in the core…**

Xord broods, alone in a dark room.

Abruptly, his booming, gravely voice retches out of him. "WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE LIGHTS ON?!"

"Because we need suspense and mystery, Xord, and we can't do this scene with the ether lamps blaring. Sorry." Takahashi calmly responds from the shadows, clipboard in hand, muttering something as he pencils in a small note in the margins of the script. "Please tell me you know your blocking."

"FOR THE MOST PART!"

"For the —" he sputters. "What the Mechonis does that mean?!"

"I DON'T KNOW."

The machina male sighs. "Okay, okay, anyways, we ready, _we ready with the cameras_?!" Takahashi screams, whipping around to face the startled cameramen.

"Y-yes, sir."

" _Okay, then_! Action!"

Xord watches, unamused, as a small mechon approaches, its flickering red light, round and bright in the dark, converses silently with the hulking face.

Silently, holding back a snigger, he grabs a hapless homs and **eats him**!

"Cut, cut, cut, this won't do, this won't do _whatsoever_!" The camerapersons' hands scramble to deactivate their devices as Takahashi storms over to Xord. "What was that?!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT. HE WAS JUST THERE."

"You're not suppose to eat the homs! Why would you even do that in private, you're suppose to put on a show with it _in the presence of Shulk_! He knows!" He wildly gestures to the small mechon. "And he knows!" He next gestures to Alvis, hands on his hips, nodding slowly in the background as if trying to look like an expert. The camerapeople next to him nod along as well with weak smiles plastered to their faces along with nervous slicks of sweat.

"I WAS GETTING INTO CHARACTER, IT'S HOW I ACT."

"Okay, sure, but I don't tolerate _script breaking_!" Xord flinches away as Takahashi's voices breaks to a shrieking scream. "I mean, come'on, Jonathan! Now, can we try it again, please?!"

One cameraman mumbles something and tries again his fake smile.

"What was that?!"

"We, sir, uh, we're out of film stock."

" _What_."

"Yeah, uh, heheh! you redid Alvis' scene so many times that we just clean ran out!"

"I THINK YOU SHOULD BETTER RUN. FAST. NOW."

* * *

Shulk reappeared shortly after Reyn caught up to Sharla and the Arachno Queen. "Great timing, Alvis," Reyn grumbles sarcastically, rolling his eyes at Shulk's bewildered look. "Coming along after I have to join this psycho."

He shrugs. "Whatever. I had to hit the loo anyways. Duty calls, after all." Shulk's silent for a moment. "Hey, why can't that fangirl see me, but the brat could?"

"H-huh? Oh, I never noticed." Reyn replies, genuinely confused.

Shulk exhales in pure frustration. "You have to stop forcing me along to go with your stupid, pitiful charade, it's stupid and ridiculous and just really, really stupid."

"You said 'stupid' three times in that sentence, Alvis, you're not playing Shulk well enough." he says.

" _Shut up_! I don't have to play him well if I'm fighting Passage of Fate withdrawal and have to use the loo every three chapters!" He blusters an annoyed sigh. " _Anyways_ , one of these days your friends will return and you won't even accept them as real."

"Aw, thanks for looking out for me, Alvis." he replies, rolling his eyes at the sheer ridiculousness of the thought. His friends coming back — hah!

Reyn rolls his eyes and catches up to the girls, busily chatting about the latest trends in Colony attire; albeit, it's a rather one-sided conversation.

"Yeah, I don't know, the whole gauntlet thing just became too much for my wrists, you know? I know a great guy who'd love to give you a Lime Bangle. Call him an expert on how to catch my eye when it comes to quests."

The Arachno Queen adamantly replies with something as her steps arguably get a bit more bouncier and lighthearted. Sharla laughs — and doesn't understand a word of what she's saying.

Shulk's eyebrows suddenly raise as his eyes glow a bright blue. "There's trouble up ahead," he calls out. Reyn's trot slows as he stumbles slightly to a halt, and Sharla only frowns as she turns around, a mothering look of stern disbelief on her face. "No, I'm serious —"

"Reyn, why are you stopping?" she snaps. "We should be on our way. Spiral Valley is just up ahead."

"Right," he mutters, "I forgot you hate appearing in front of people."

Shulk only sniggers. "It's a nice party gag." Reyn swiftly kicks Shulk, and he gasps for breath as he swears repeatedly, grabbing at his crotch. "Ahhhh, ahhh! _Reyn_!"

At Shulk's snap, Sharla's face bleaches as her eyes pull down to him, jumping up and down as he hisses a strained insult. "U-uh, who's this-?"

"Not Jake!" Reyn quickly stammers. Squaring his shoulders and exhaling, he steadies his words. "Shulk. He's my friend."

"Where did he come from?" Her words border on lunacy. "Pinch me, pinch me hard, Spider Queen." The Queen clicks something rapidly, and she jerks forward and stabs her incisors into Sharla's arm, dutifully pinching hard, and pretty soon Reyn had two screaming homs next to him.

Sharla doubles over and stamps her foot hard as she shoots a round of healing ether into the air. Shulk straightens and flashes a cool grin, and the woman only moans lightly as the Arachno Queen's pinch made her arm a bit _too_ red.

"U-um, anyways, anyways," Reyn says, tentatively glancing at Sharla. "He was lying in the grass and I stepped on him." The homs boy says matter-of-factly. "That's the truth."

"Not the truth!" Shulk blurts out. He slams his shoulder hard into Reyn. "Why'd you make me turn visible, I was having a blast!" he whines in a low tone. Reyn smiles sickly. "You wish everyone were like the brat, don't you!"

"Ugh-!"

Shrugging, the woman silently buys it, deep down wishing she were in a court room and could shout and point — but she couldn't do that. Or could she…?

Nah.

The four climb up to the top of Spiral Valley, and Sharla sighs as longing thoughts of her and Gadolt float to mind…

"WELL WILL YA LOOK AT THAT, FRESH MEAT ON THE TABLE!" Xord cackles as he lands in front of them, swinging his hefty hammer jestingly in the air. Everyone jumps and lets out squeals of surprise, only to become serious faster than Xord expected.

" _Gadolt, what did they do to you?!_ " she screams. "Oh, wait. Em…"

"Dude, will you stop? Your charade is stupid and derivative." Shulk says flatly, crossing his arms and blowing up his bangs like a rebellious, moody teenager.

"A faced mechon!" Reyn gasps, reaching for the Monado.

"OH, HAHAHA, I'M NOT METAL FACE, THAT TOY CANT HURT ME! COME TO THINK OF IT, I'M SHOCKED THEY HAVEN'T MADE A PLASTIC TOY OF IT TO PASS ALONG TO ALL THE KIDDIES OF COLONY 9!"

"And Colony 6!" Sharla shouts. "Idiot."

Reyn drops his arms and huffs in annoyance. "Ugh, when do I get a chance to use this thing?!"

"LATER. NOT NOW. LOOK, I KNOW HOW TO GET BACK YOUR LITTLE BRO. THE UH, THE BRAT. KID. WHAZITS NAME."

"Juju?!" the homs wails. The two boys only moan in tandem.

"ERM, YES. I THINK. GEEZ, YOUR PARENTS NAMED HIM _JUJU_?"

The woman stammers. "Well, Xord, you told us that you know of a way to get Juju back?" Sharla says quickly, looking toward him in expectation.

Xord only blushes and scratches the back of his head with his great hammer. "WELL, YEAH. I MEAN…YEAH." He quickly glances away for a brief moment. _TO TURN HIM INTO ANOTHER FACE, HAHA!_ "WHERE IS HIS BODY?"

Everyone all turns toward the baleful Queen.

"OH MEYNETH."

* * *

Xord faces down the Queen, hammer in hand. Alvis, now both Shulk and Fiora again — Reyn had to really explain that one, much to Alvis' glee — stands between Reyn and Sharla, the Arachno Queen directly facing Xord. Sharla casts yet another freaked-out glance at the homs girl next to her. "EVERYONE LOOK AWAY, QUICK." Glancing around as the homs scatter, he shrugs and turns back toward the arachno. "COUGH THE KID UP, LADY. COME ON."

The Queen duly responds with a bile-filled cough, as if she were a cat trying to clear a hairball. Something begins to hang from her mouth.

"OHHHHH, I WON'T BE ABLE TO STOMACH A HOMS FOR A WEEK!"

Shulk goes to open his eyes, but twitches and refrains. "Uh, what'd he say just now?" he hisses to Fiora. She only shrugs, hands on her ears and crouched over, her face bleached in pallor.

With a noise that could even make Metal Face shudder, something drops out, and perplexed as to the sudden weight on his feet, Shulk does open his eyes.

A childlike scream ripped straight from his lungs makes everyone but Fiora — who merely twitched and mutters a soothing mantra under her breath — turn around. " ** _Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhh! It's on my boots, it's on my boots_** **!** " he shrieks. " ** _Oh Bionis, it's on my boots_** **!** "

"ER, UH, DON'T…DON'T TURN AROUND QUITE YET. JUST…UGH, YOU DON'T WANNA SEE THIS."

"I don't think I want to!" Fiora responses hotly.

"Juju!" Sharla wails. "I want to see him, I want to —" The Queen moves out of the way, and for a brief moment, Sharla's eyes sparkle, a brightness in them as if the homs wives tales about the medicinal bile of arachno were true. It's disproved quickly. "O-oh."

Xord twitches in annoyance. "YOU'RE A MEDIC, YOU CAN FIX HIM, RIGHT? I MEAN, NOT TO SOUND INSENSITIVE AND ALL… YOU DID SEE HIM, SO JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE."

"R-Reyn…Reyn, your sword…kill me, please." she only mumbles weakly. "Oh Bionis, I-I don't think I can ever unsee that."

"The Monado can't cut people!" he blusters back, reiterating what Shulk constantly made a production of time and again, images of his demonstrating of it during the days of Shulk's "Traveling" Freak Show. Reyn doesn't exactly miss _that_.

" ** _Ahhhh! The brat's on me, the brat's on me, THIS IS WORSE THAN THE MONADO_** **!"** Shulk shrieks.

"THAT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST HAVE EGIL'S SISTER FIX YOUR BRO UP. I MEAN, VANIE DID PRETTY GOOD WITH THE OTHERS, SO… OH, HEH, HEHEH, WAIT 'TILL SHE HEARS THAT NICKNAME!"

Reyn, body posed as if he'd heard the most pressing of news, gasps dramatically, though his eyes are still tightly closed. "You too?! You also work for Egil, Metal Face said the same name just as he took my _best friends_ away!"

"OH, CRAP. UH, HAHA, HAHAHA, GLAD I INSISTED UPON THIS ROCK SUPER HIGH UP SO I CAM MAKE MY GETAWAY, WHOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!" Xord takes off, Juju in hand.

" _I'll kill you!_ " Sharla screams to the air.

"Hey, that's what I said!" Reyn replies, abashed.

"That's what I said first, in the game!" Shulk insists.

" _Xenoblade Chronicles_ isn't real." the two automatically snipe back.

…

"So um… You wanna find Xord again, Sharla?" Shulk asks. "You know, get your little brother back?"

"Um, nope."

A big collective sigh floods the group.

 **To the Ether Mines and getting lost in a death field of level 70 creatures! Even if they'd prefer not to retrieve the legendary Juice of Juju, the mechon were considerate enough to lock the Colony 6 gates. Oh well. I can't believe I didn't say my trademark line in this chapter…oh, son of a dickson.**


	12. Getting Lost in a Death Field

**Shout-out to And26169 for their idea! :)**

When we last left our heroes, Xord wittily tricked the lot of 'em with his ham and has snatched Juju away for the Mechonis. The Brat is officially gone — well, from the Arachno Queen's Gut Fluid — and will perhaps return. A Face name is up in the air. Voting is open. And breaking news: in perhaps the most _shocking_ revelation to ever swarm around Alcamoth's beauty saloons, _Xenoblade Chronicles 2_ is officially a thing.

Cue fangirling.

"Xenoblade 2?! Really?!" Shulk squeals. Fiora lets out a gasp and hastily stands, doing an excited dance to the tune of the 7-year-old song bursting from her throat.

Sharla pauses, Fiora-trademark sandwich halfway to her mouth, and only shrugs before taking a great bite. "Yeah, I guess. Colony 6's been making it for a long time, but then the mechon came and the final version is locked deep with Colony 6's gates." Her gaze silently, forlornly, drifts to the top of Spiral Valley, its shadow looming darkly above them.

With a frustrated shout, Reyn abruptly stands from the picnic blanket, positioned in a cozy spot of sunlight on the main level of Spiral Valley. "You telling me they purposely are playing it before us?!"

"Yeah."

"And you act so carefree about it!"

"After Gadolt's disappearance, Reyn, my heart has been a soulless void." The woman continues staring off into space. "Oh Gadolt…"

 **Meanwhile, in the walls of Colony 6…**

Gadolt, his jade armor flashing with bright sunlight, swiftly dives to the side with a grunt, his shoulder hitting the leveled ground. "No!"

Three mechon beside him click angrily and begin poking at him, trying to grab something from his hands like a dessert to be shared…and Gadolt is eating all of it, how dare he!

"I will never give it to you! It is mine, see?! Go start your own save file!" he shouts. The mechanical creatures shamefully back away. With a slight grumble, Gadolt sits back up again and straightens, squaring his shoulders and gritting his teeth. "I'm making it to Elysium first, suckers. This is my colony, and my rules, got it?!"

They quickly reply and make another grab at the Nintendo Switch controller locked within Gadolt's tyrannical grip. "But it's my turn to try it now, that's not fair!" one whines.

"No fair, no fair!"

"Haha, too bad. I'm on orders by Egil to babysit you chumps, so I might as well do something useful besides standing around and wasting time. You two aren't exactly fond of shootin' the breeze."

The mechon complain of their programmed weaknesses — Egil isn't exactly too fond of shooting the breeze himself, it seems — then pout as they flop back down onto the rock, muttering something or another about loyalties.

 **Meanwhile, back in Spiral Valley and Sharla's Dead Heart…**

Reyn lets out a scream. "Gah, this is so _annoying_ , why can't we get it now?! I wanna play _Xenoblade 2_!"

"Relax, we just gotta break into Colony 6." Shulk replies, as if this was the simplest answer imaginable.

"What." The boy spits this out, his face twisted in pure flabbergast at the supposed scientist's immoral suggestion that came out so easily. "Dude! J-just, _dude_! You don't just break into another colony!"

With a snort, Fiora throws an arm around Shulk's rather underdeveloped shoulders and cracks a Reyn-esque grin. "Relax, we're experts in this sort of thing, we do this _allllll_ the time."

A gasp escapes Reyn's gaping mouth. "Wha…what…"

"Just leave it to us!"

The Arachno Queen clicks eagerly. "Oh, I'm so gung-ho for this, let's do this thing, my homs spiderlings."

"Okay…" Sharla ponders over the landscape of the Bionis' Leg, her foot tapping impatiently.

"Well, do you know where to go?" Fiora asks, her body tensed up. "We need to go _now_. I'm starting to have to use the loo again."

"…No. Why else to you think I never left the refugee camp?"

"Oh, great." Shulk remarks sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"If you're gonna use the loo, there's a bush back there." the woman adds absentmindedly, continuing her pour-over of the landscape.

At that comment, Fiora only grunts as if that's the most indignant thing she's ever heard before in her life. "The bush."

Sharla suddenly lets out a little sound. "Oh. Right there, that's it, that's it!"

The Queen shrieks at her excited scream, then stands and huffs, annoyed at the jump-scare.

"It's to the left, over there!" The woman hastily points, and the group rushes over to her sides to see where she's gesturing to. "That area over there, that has to lead to our colony!"

Reyn chuckles dryly. "Hoh'boy."

* * *

"I'm starting to think we took a wrong turn somewhere…" Reyn says. He tensely looks around at the same surroundings they passed through about a thousand times _before_ they even first got to Spiral Valley — the boy's _pretty sure_ they're going the complete wrong way.

"What? Um, nope, nope. I just know the this is the right path, I just know it!" Sharla replies.

"I'm really feeling it!"

"Shut up." the redhead grunts.

"But we've passed Raguel Bridge so many times!" Fiora whines, dancing slightly where she stands. "W-Where's this bush you were telling me about, Sharla?"

She only lets out a coy cackle. "So sorry, we must have already passed that."

"What?!"

"Suck up the indecency, girl. I've had to do that for the past year."

The group, feeling rather exhausted, stops at a small spring. Fiora sighs in relief and dives behind a nearby outcropping of rock, and Shulk only moans and rolls his eyes — next time, it's be _him_. He had always hated being split into two, and the dread of the loo was beginning to creep up on him.

Reyn gasps as he finally tears his head up from the water, it dripping from his mouth. "That hit the jackpot! Let's refill our bottles here."

Sharla only stares at him. "Um, Reyn, this spring is a favorite spot of some of the local wildlife here. It's their watering hole, and I guess there's a Volff peeing over there, so it's their bathroom, too."

Water and spit combined spews from Reyn's mouth. "Then why didn't you stop me?!" Gasping, he backs away as the Volff, just a few meters ahead of him in the water, drops his leg and growls menacingly. "Two can play at that game, Volff!" Reyn spits, slamming his hands down on the sides of his trousers.

"Ugh, no! Not here, not here!" the Arachno Queen screams, immediately cowering. Sharla only groans in exasperation.

Fiora, with a slight hum, skips out from behind the bush. "Hey guys, sorry it took me so — oh my Dickson." Sharla's groans get louder as she allows the Arachno Queen to hide her, her hairy legs wrapping around Sharla and pulling in tight, as if she is a mother protecting her young. "Reyn, what did you do to yourself?!"

"Oh my Bionis, Reyn!" Shulk says.

Sharla's groans turn to a scream. This will be a long day.

An angry roar sounds behind the group, and everyone turns around but Reyn, too busy with trying to compete with the bathroom prowess of a Volff. A dark shadow casts over the boy, and he finally stops.

There, with a red name tag and a face to rival Dickson's, was the Territorial Rotbart!

" **MYAH!** "

The group screams and starts to run, only to be hastily grabbed by the Arachno Queen and forced to stay!

"You spiderlings ain't goin' nowhere, this is our battle. The Gogols have invaded on our territory for _too long_!"

"Are you nuts?! You're getting us all killed!" Shulk shouts.

"It's level 81!" Fiora sobs, grabbing at Shulk in panic. "Come on, come on, let's change back, let's change back, pleeeeease."

"No." he replies stubbornly. "Reyn, now's your chance, use the Monado!"

Reyn gasps and yanks it off his back.

"With your pants up!"

"Well," Reyn says with a sigh, tossing the Monado aside. "That's not happening."

The two moan and know that nothing they say will ever change that boy's mind.

" **MYAH!** "

With one swipe, it's the Bionis Slash X all over again.

* * *

Gasping, wheezing, dragging their sorry hides across the plains of the Bionis' Leg, the ragged group finally gets to Colony 6.

"Oh, ohhhhh, I'm so done, so, so, so done," Shulk rasps, shaking his head as he collapses at the front gates. "Oh Bionis, I can't move. Help. Heeeelp."

Fiora only grunts as she sits down by his side. "I…I ain't helpin' you."

"Ugh."

Sharla scratches at the gates like a lonely Bunniv wanting to play with the homs. "It's locked, oh Bionis, it's locked. All that way for absolutely nothing!" Breaking down into tears, she slides down the heavy doors and curls up in a fetal position. "I'm too tired to do a Heal Round."

The Arachno Queen, with Reyn limp in two of her legs, sits down placidly and makes a noise like another Juju hairball was about to come out. Reyn only grunts as drool hits his cheek.

"It's locked, we can't get in. Why…?" Sharla says weakly.

"Oh, it's locked? So we have to wait for an adult with keys to come and open it for us?" the redhead boy asks rather seriously.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess."

"Did you try it?"

"Yep." [Blatant lies]

Dunban and Dickson briskly stride over to the rag-tag group from the pathway leading to Colony 6. "Oh, hey, guys. What's up?"

"Shulk m'boy!" Dickson says. "How are you, kid? I thought you were dead." He gets a suspicious look on his face as he stares at the flopped teenager. "I mean, again. Heheheh."

"I'm…not Shulk…" he manages to pant out. "Just Alvis. Always Alvis, Dicky. So's Fiora."

"Oh. In that case, continue on."

"Thanks."

With a sigh, Dunban walks over and pushes the Colony 6 gate doors open. "It's not locked. What are you, a bunch of school kids?"

Everyone groans out an exhausted response. " _Yes_."

 **Juju is officially a non-canon Face, and we need a name for him! Juju-Face! Rainbow…Slug Face…? Please let me know of your ideas. Thank you.**

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: Son of a Dickson, Nintendo, you're making everyone want your new Switch now! But WOW, I didn't expect that! It'll be interesting how they incorporate the post-** ** _Xenoblade_** **-ending for this sequel…**


	13. Xord's Mullet

When we last left out heroes, things got pretty bad. Sharla's poor navigation skills — poorer than Fiora's — got the group lost. They wound up running into the reigning monarch of Gaur Plains, that nasty, horrible, _terrible_ , Territorial " **MYAH** " Rotbart. Needless to say, things did not go well. After much running, the pathetic party finally made it to the Colony 6 gates and were saved by the teacher, Dunban, and good ol' Dick.

As Dickson and Dunban herd everyone past the gates — getting plenty of groans for their efforts — Sharla suddenly stops. With a grunt, Dunban shoves her forward, only to get an ether rifle pointed right at his face. "Don't. Push me. I heard something up ahead."

"Mechon!" Reyn exclaims.

"Mm? Oh, well yeah, there could be —"

"No, mechon!" Shulk and Fiora scream simultaneously.

Reyn blinks in surprise. "What?! Oh, wow, I just took a Wild Down stab at it and guessed."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Son of a Dickson, are you sure it's me with the future sight?"

"Ah, great." Dickson mutters sharply under his breath. "Don't tell me Zanza body-hopped during the attack." Beat. "And _oi_ , what's with the sayin'?! Son of a gun, these kids…"

Sharla whips around and backs away sharply, gasping as the ham himself lands in front of the party. "DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GETTING OUT OF TRAIPSING AROUND IN THE ETHER MINES?" Xord asks, cocking his head as his red eyes trace a lit arc in the air.

"Um, yeah," she snarks back. "The gates were unlocked, why else would we go down there but to go around them? I mean, I know that we all probably assumed they were safer than just, you know, the wide-open expanse, but we all know that if the gates were unlocked, we wouldn't really care one wit about the Ether Mines."

"UM, WELL, DON'T YOU…DON'T YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE BRO BACK? Y-YOU WANT HIM, RIGHT?"

"Ew, no."

"NOT EVEN TO RETURN HIM TO YOUR PRECIOUS ZANZAHHH, HAHAHA, I MEAN, _BIONIS_! YEAH… THAT'S WHAT I MEANT."

"Shut up," Dickson coughs out hard.

"Why? Who cares about that?"

Xord, taken aback, stumbles backwards for a moment, then swiftly regains his composure and slams his hammer down onto his outstretched palm testingly. "WELL, UM,"

Dunban strides forward, sword in hand. His hair and his cape flutters in the air as an unknown breeze blows toward him alone. From behind an outcropping of rock, Takahashi swiftly motions for the fan-holders to move the artificial wind closer toward him. "You mechon scum! We'll never listen to you!" As he speaks, his cape snaps in the wind, like a whip that's about to hit Xord.

"UMMMMMMMMM,"

"Well, are there more of you faced mechon? You're the one who killed Fiora, aren't you!" he shouts. Abruptly, his hair blows into his mouth, and he spits as he frantically tries to move it away. "I will avenge—! Ugh," Dunban attempts to wipe his mouth with his bum arm, his left hand taking his longsword and pointing it to Xord.

Only to move it instead to his new enemy, The Hair.

Everyone watches in horror as Dunban slashes at his own beautiful hair, the strands blowing gracefully in the breeze like ribbons. Shulk spits violently as they get into his mouth, and Fiora shrieks in disgust, trying to pick them off her chin and creating a rather odd look.

"Anyways." He poses awesomely again, only for the fans to completely cut. "What?! Where's my breeze, Takahashi?!" Dunban booms.

The group quietly slips away, their faces red, while Takahashi silently motions at them with his face twisted in disgust and pure, raw, unrelenting anger.

"YOU LOOK REALLY BAD WITH SHORT HAIR, DUDE."

"Oh, really?"

"UM, YEAH. I MEAN, TAKE IT FROM ME, MAN, MY HAIR'S A MENACE TO TAKE CARE OF, BUT IT'S PRETTY SWELL LOOKIN' WHEN I DO~." He runs a giant mechanical hand across his bald skull. Dunban can only stare.

"EH? OH, HANG ON, I GOTTA SHOW YOU THIS, I'VE BEEN GROWIN' IT OUT."

Xord's torso opens with a hiss, and the entire group screams! "That mechon is opening!" Fiora gasps.

"Well, whadaya think?"

The group screams even louder when a homs jumps out! The homs, a beefy man with muscular arms and powerful shoulders, stunning bronze armor plating his body and glinting in the sun with his every movement, cracks a grin as he strikes a runway pose. His mullet blows dramatically in the wind.

"It's Vanie's new fashion line. She calls it, um, Throwback." His hand, yet again, goes to his head, this time running through the thick black hair topping it and rushing in the powerful breeze. "I'm a top-of-the-line, 100% Made-in-China Core Unit! You can be too! With just 15 easy payments of your mortal soul!"

Xord flashes an advertiser's smile.

"Oh Bionis." Sharla says, "he's gorgeous."

Dunban recoils in surprise, and Dickson only groans and runs a hand down his face. "Xord, what're you doing?!"

"Hm? Oh, Dicky!" He roars with a belly laugh that makes Reyn grin stupidly.

"Heh, Dicky."

"I've joined the Mechonis, Dicky, and why not! I'm way better than I was before that silly battle!" Xord says.

Dickson grumbles something rather obscene. "No, I mean your _mullet_! What're you thinking, that's a horrible hair style!"

"Says the homs it's inspired from," he says back in a dark mutter, crossing his arms. "You're just jealous that mine's better than yours."

"I'm still growing mine out!" he snarks back.

"Ohh, getting old. DICKY'S GETTING OLLLLLD, DICKY'S GETTIN' OLD, OOOOOOOHH!"

"Shut up!"

Dunban scowls. "So this is the Mechonis' plan! Getting all the other homs jealous enough to —"

"Um, no." Xord cuts in all matter-of-fact like. "That's totally not it, this is just Vanie having FUNNNNN! I'm really not gonna tell you the real pla — "

Sharla runs over to him and grabs his forearm. Xord, in surprise, goes to pull away, but then flexes it with a raise of his eyebrows. "You…don't care."

"My beefcake!" she squeals. "You're so hot!"

"UM," he says, "While I REALLY, REALLY like this, I'm probably 20 years older than you and I have a daughter your age, so…"

" _Who cares_?!"

Dunban only grunts. "You, um, aged well, Xord."

"I didn't think anybody could repair those blacksmith lines, but _man_ , somebody certainly did!" Reyn whistles, impressed. "You do botox, man?"

"Don't need it." The homs, mildly disturbed, pulls away from Sharla and stretches out. "The Mechonis smoothed them all out. I look my daughter's age now. AND YOU COULD TOO! With just 2 easy payments of —" He suddenly grins. "— Me!"

"What?!" the party blurts out.

"Yeah, I'll tell eeeeverybody~ the secret to younger-looking skin but Dicky, and then I can join your party!"

"Really?" Shulk squeals.

"Yep! I'm like a big ol' POP-UP AD with LEGITIMATE CLICKBAIT!"

"It's a deal!"

With a scream, Dickson shakes Shulk. Very briefly, he changes to Alvis before changing back. "What are you doing?!" Shulk only smiles dumbly.

"WOOO-HOOO! I'M FINALLY ACCEPTED!" Xord screams, pumping his fists. "And I've already dropped off your bro, so I wasn't gonna give him back to you anyways. Returning homs to the Bionis is for suckers."

Reyn, having returned many Colony 6 traders in Tephra Cave to the Bionis, immediately covers his red face and ears. "I'm a sucker." he whispers, as if this was the worst revelation he's ever had. And he's had a lot. Starting from the 12 microwavable Bunniv burritos he cooked on the Monado's blade in 3rd grade.

That was pretty bad.

Sometimes the trots still come as if to mock him.

"WHOOOO, ALRIGHTY," Xord hops back into his face mechon, the hatch closing off his mullet to the rest of the world. "LET'S GO. I BET I WAS GONNA DIE IN THOSE ETHER MINES, THEY'RE SO DANGEROUS AND ALL. I WASN'T GONNA RISK MY LIFE OR ANYTHIN', SO I CAME HERE INSTEAD TO PLAY _XENOBLADE 2_ WITH GADOOOOH, WHOOPS, DID I SAY GADOLT, I MEANT _JADE FACE_. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT."

He pauses.

"BUT I REQUIRE AT LEAST 12 PONIO OR 36 BUNNIA IN ORDER TO STAY FED, AND I CAN'T STAY OUTTA MY FACE MECHON FOR TOO LONG."

"So… You're like Reyn's pet Krabble he raised from a baby a few years back?" Dunban suggests. Reyn doubles backward as his face flushes red. Cocking an eyebrow in a matching look, the two blonds turn to look at him. "You know, feed him enough to stay alive, keep him in his cage or else he'll die?"

"A-ah-! Augh, Dunban!"

"UH, NO. I'M THE KRABBLE THAT WILL EAT YOU IF YOU DON'T FEED ME ENOUGH."

"Oh." the two men quietly reply.

" _Well_ ," Dunban remarks, "I guess you don't mind if you gain a bit of weight, then."

Reyn quickly covers his flushed face and turns away. "But I thought he ate like me."

 **BECAUSE I WAS GONNA LET XORD DIE.**


	14. The FILLER Quest of Satorl Marsh

**Shout-Out to Cormag Ravenstaff!**

When we last left our heroes, Xord joined their team because he slacked off on his Face duties to play _Xenoblade 2_ along with Gadolt. Like Gadolt will ever let him do that.

"SOOOO, WE GONNA STOP BY COLONY 6, Y'KNOW, UM… PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY?" Xord asks, his voice terse as they walk past the smashed remains of Sharla's Beloved Colony.

With a gasp, Gadolt grabs the Nintendo Switch, the television set, and the game's empty case and dives to the side of the doorway. Sharla blankly glances in before turning away. "No." she says. His jaw clenching, he remains pressed against the metal wall, Sharla mere meters from him. She never did approve of his decision to honor Krabbie.

"Aw, man, it's still invaded with mechon, too!" Reyn remarks.

The jade Core Unit gestures at the two stray mechon who didn't quite get the memo that they had to hide. They stare back at him, then finally get it and wave. Gadolt's hand slams against his face with a sigh.

His fiancée's moan perks him back up, but before he could jump up and shout " _Surprise_!", another boy speaks up. "Not! Helping!" Shulk says with a snap.

As they walk fully past, the trio of Mechonis dwellers all relax.

"Come on, we wanna see what happens next!"

"Calm down," Gadolt replies with a slight grunt as he stands, the electronics clutched tightly to his chest. "I think the game case got in my abdomen."

"Ugh! Man, that's the worst."

"Yeah," the other mechon adds, disappointment in his tone. "I had that happen once with _Xenoblade X_ 's Wii U disk, when it slipped into one of my seams when I was trying to hide it from Egil and all — Egil had to dismantle me. That wasn't good."

"Ooft, you know how Egil is with that game. Thinks it's Zanza incarnate or somthin'."

"He's just all steamed that he got killed off in the spiritual prequel."

"At least he gets this fanfic."

Gadolt drops the television set and the Switch tablet and stoops over as he digs within his empty abdominal cavity. "Ummmm."

"What, what!"

" _Ummmmmm_ …"

"We need to go back to the Mechonis, don't we."

"Yes." he replies shortly. "Yes, we do."

* * *

The rag-tag group wander across the golden fields of Colony 6, and Shulk lets a small laugh bubble from his throat. "I had no idea mechon could farm! This place is beautiful!" He allows one hand to brush against the fluffy tops of the wheat crops, grown to peak freshness.

"They're not suppose to," Dickson grumps.

"WE'VE BEEN TEACHING THEM~" Xord hums in reply. "THEY SURPRISINGLY PICKED IT UP QUICKLY, BUT THEN AGAIN, MAYBE IT'S BEAUSE OF THE NEW MODULE I INSTALLED IN THEM LAST WEEK." he says as he tramples _everything_.

Shulk tenses up at the spectacle and clears his throat, trying to look away from the sad, dead wheat beneath Xord's feet. A mischievous smile slowly curls his lips. Heh, that was a rhyme.

"So, um… Where are we going to go next?"

"You of all people should know that, Al — um, _Shulk_." Dickson replies coyly.

"Don't care, I'm not efforting today."

Dunban strides forward and brushes aside his ragged hair, now the length of his chin and making him look rather gross. But if Dunban knew that, he didn't seem to mind too much. Fiora only rolls her eyes at her brother's ridiculousness. "We will march on to Satorl Marsh, land of the ether trees and killer Bunnia!"

"Oh, okay."

* * *

"No, this is not okay, this is not okay!" screams Shulk as he runs away from a killer Bunnia. "Oh Meyneth, what was I thinking?!"

"I DON' KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKIN', BUT I DON' LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS, THERE, SHULK!"

Reyn's shrieks scrape against Dunban's ears as he fights with a very large sword one-handed — within the year of being holed up in his bedroom like any good NEET, he has learned, from video games, to spar left-handed. Because Dunban needs no training, he's just that awesome. "Whyyy, whyyyy?!"

"Shut up and fight, Reyn!"

"I can't, the Monado can't cut —"

Swinging blindly, he hits the Bunnia. Both Shulk and Fiora stop mid-run and stare before glancing at each other, then Dickson. He merely shrugs.

The Bunnia collapses in a heap of sparks!

The group stares at it as its remains of metal and gears smoke into the sky.

"Oh my Bionis, Reyn, what did you do to the Monado?!" Dunban says, his eyes widening in shock. "You just killed a Superboss!"

"I think the better question is, how'd he transfigure it into a mechon?" Sharla replies dryly, looking at Dunban with her mouth twisted.

"Well, I think the even better question is why did that Bunnia Superboss spawn before Mechonis Core?" the Arachno Queen throws out. "Not like I…know what the Mechonis Core is… Ummm… Yeah… Heh!"

Shulk clears his throat. "I think the even… _even_! better question is," Fiora folds her arms and scrutinizes the foul-smelling pile as he speaks, "how Reyn was able to control the Monado to begin with. _Oh yes_ , you may have lost control of it in _Xenoblade Chronicles_ , but I know you're faking it! I know it," he ends with a hiss, getting right up to Reyn's baffled face.

"You mean I've been training the wrong — oh, erm…" Dicky chuckles, hoping to cover his slip of the tongue up with a "lie." "I mean, maybe Reyn's able to do it to take up the mantle, er, s-so to speak?

"Whatever, man. All I know it," Reyn says with a grin, "Shulk never cared much for the Monado, so maybe I'm just doing all this for Dickson's research, yeah?"

"Number one son!"

"Oh yeah, it's Reyn time for that, baby!" He pumps his fists and drops the Monado.

"I take it back."

* * *

The group manages to slosh through the swamps of Satorl Marsh long enough to reach a platform in the middle of a large lake. Reyn exhales in relief, running onto it like a child seeing a box to play in.

" _Finally_ , we've reached the end!"

"Um, no. Not yet, you have." A squat blue nopon waddles over to the boy and trips him. Reyn grunts as his jaw hits the ground hard.

"Oi! Jerk merchant!"

"You must do FILLER to pass." The nopon says this so seriously that Sharla begins to giggle. "What is it, BFG?"

She snorts a laugh. "FILLER? What is this, _Naruto_? We just want to get to the Bionis' head, that's all." Sharla says, quickly trying to find a reason for why they want to pass so badly. "This is a joke, right?"

"Believe it!"

"PFF, 'SPECIALLY COMIN' FROM A ROUND NOPON." Xord sniggers and hops out of his Face unit, dusting off his hands before running them through his wave of hair that glints in the ether trees' light. "It's a joke, guys, let's move on!"

"Oh yeah!"

As Xord strides forward, he gestures in the air almost in a conducting sense to an unheard beat, and his Face follows him from the sky. The nopon trips him, and the suit falls on top of him. "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!"

"This no joke, homhom and scaaaaary monsters, me am warning homhom and scaaaaary monsters!"

"Your English suuucks, man." the ex-homs says from underneath the oversized mechon.

"Homhom must complete FILLER to pass!"

The Arachno Queen blows out an insult that makes Sharla, ahead of her, bleach in pallor. "You look like a Gogol."

"Me pride meself on Gogol appearance." He suddenly stammers. "S-stop making nopon lose concentration, scaaaaary monster!" The Queen laughs maliciously in reply.

Dunban, with a roll of his eyes, decides to humor the clearly ill-sighted nopon who's _clearly_ been out in the ether smog too long. "Alright then, so what do we do for this…'FILLER,' nopon?"

"Homhom do ooooooold rite of Bird People!"

"Bird People?!" Reyn exclaims. "Oi, I ain't no bird person, I'm as graceful as a Turkin!"

" _Stop interrupting nopon while he speaks!_ "

"Whoa, sorry."

"Find these four orbpons and fight scaaaaary monsters while homhom do so!" the nopon declares — as if he's making up everything. "Ahhh, young Bird People boys would do FILLER a long, longlong time ago as adulthood rite!"

Reyn, Shulk, and Dunban slap their faces. "But we _are_ adults!"

"Yeah, and Dickson's probably older than the lot of us!" Reyn adds. "Make him do it!"

With a whine, the two girls both turn to face the Arachno Queen. "But we aren't Bird People or men!"

"Me don't care."

"And The Arachno Queen isn't even a homs!" Fiora shouts. "How could you put us though this FILLER?! Do you know how mean-spirited that is?! That is so mean-spirited!"

The medic nods. "So mean-spirited. Gadolt would have already shot you in a heartbeat. _My_ heartbeat…" She sighs in contentment, and Fiora only rolls her eyes and exhales hard.

Reyn's face flushes hot. "A-anyways, jerk merchant! You'll pay for this treachery!"

"No, homhom will," he replies coyly.

"What?"

"1,000,000 gold pieces. COUGH THEM UP, KID."

With a nervous laugh, Dickson begins to back away. "Well, I um, I'm off on, um, other journeys, yeah yeah yeah. That. So, um, you kids go on without me! Good luck, Al — um, _Shulk_. My son." His laugh stutters as he half-embraces Shulk in about the most awkward hug even given since the Arachno Queen tried to hug Reyn on Spiral Valley to take advantage of its reputation as the "Lovers' Lane of Colony 6." "Well, I'm off!"

Before any of them could blink, Dickson was gone, and Shulk and Fiora only sigh and pull out their purses. "How much was it again to pass?"

"200,000,000." the nopon replies automatically.

They blink, taken aback, then sigh and sign off a check to "Jerk Merchant of Satorl Marsh, for FILLER quest." "I'll make Emperor Sorean pay for it."

The nopon refrains from tripping anyone as he steps back to allow them safe passage, stroking the piece of paper tenderly, oh, so tenderly. Xord grunts as he picks himself off of the ground and props up his Face unit, hopping into it with a sharp glare directed at the nopon. As the hatch closes, so does the sight of his torn up, matted mullet. "This quest is gonna suuuck!"


	15. The Bionis' Dead Interior

When we last left our heroes, a run-in with the Despotic " LV108" Arsene reveals that it's not organic at all, rather, it was a mechon in disguise — just what is this bizarre plot? After almost getting killed and questions were raised as to the ability of Reyn to wield the Monado, the group encounters the worst nopon merchant ever, who sold them on the worst tourist trap to ever experience on the Bionis: the "Experience a Traditional Birdpeople Rite of Adulthood with Your Own Eyes" quest.

After a long trek though the sordid waters of Satorl Marsh, the group drags themselves back to the nopon.

"W-well?!" Fiora says, shoving the four orbs into his face. "We got them! Now, I've played RPGs before, so where do we insert these?!"

The nopon only stares at her blankly. "Ahh, homhom silly! Homhom look down at the big, bigbig platform that me am blocking!"

"I was wondering why you were guarding a blank space," Shulk says.

"So? Easy." Reyn shrugs, gently takes the orbs from Fiora's hands, and strides over to the four small inserts set in the rock. "Come on, guys, I bet when we do this thing, a big elevator's gonna take us to the Bionis' head!"

With a purr, the Arachno Queen nudges Sharla. "He remembered where you wanted to go."

"So?" she starts — only to suddenly realize what the Queen was strong hinting at. The woman's face grows hot. "I-it's just a coincidence! Or he's just trying in his big Armu way to remember our lies to get past the nopon."

"WUV~," Xord hums, "TWUUUE WUV~."

"Shut up!"

Dunban, with a gasp, goes into a mad sprint and grabs Reyn's shoulder. "We haven't had a boss in a while."

"Um, no." Reyn remarks. "We had that giant killer Bunnia a while back, I ain't fallin' for your paranoia again. You're just like Shulk. Always playing _Xenoblade Chronicles_ , and whatever those other games were. It's gotten to you, man."

"Time to play Place the Orb in the Orifice!" The boy shoves the orbs into their respective holes and, very pleased with himself, grins.

The Arachno Queen stammers something, but all that comes out is a strangled mess of clicks and hisses. Letting out a girly shriek, Shulk immediately hides behind Xord's Face mechon arm. " **It's going to eat us!** "

"It's going to — what?"

A dark shadow falls over Reyn. Its eyes, glinting in the ether fog, its fangs, dripping with a waxy buildup, hangs above the young man's fiery red hair. And as it poses to strike, the round nopon merely cackles and admires his check once again.

Feathers ripple though the heavy air on skeletal wings, pounding up and down. Bony, clawed feet remain barbed on Reyn's back. The homs turns around — the creature still stuck to his backside — perplexed as to the sudden liquid trickling down his spine, and puts one hand to the wounds.

He lifts his hand to his face and nods slowly, then screams.

"Oh my Bionis, I'm made of ether!" Reyn hastily turns around yet again, this time the creature flapping its broad wings in an attempt to remain upright. Dizziness sways it. Outstretching his hand for all to see, Reyn shows the budding scientist the neon green icing his fingers. "Look!" he exclaims in a childlike tone.

Fiora leans forward and lets out a small utterance of curiosity.

"Darn it, Reyn, I'm an engineer, not a biologist! You probably just ate too many Bunniv burritos again."

"Oh, right. I forgot, s-sorry." He rubs the back of his head, only to wind up smearing Reyn's Ether Blood all over the creature instead. Thankfully, for Reyn, the texture of its feathers is roughly the texture of his hair. He doesn't exactly have Xord's hair, and he definitely doesn't have Dunban's hair.

"HEY, HEY, I BET IF WE DISSECT YOU, REYN, YOU'LL BE FULL'EV ETHER CRYSTALS, HAHAHA! YOU'D NEVER MAKE A GOOD FACE PILOT!"

"What?"

"WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, EGIL'LL HATE YOU."

"Oh, okay." Beat. " _Oi_ , what's with the name again?!"

"NOTHING. I SAID NOTHING."

The nopon impatiently jerks. "Come on, homhom scaaared, right, homhom?"

At that, Reyn tips his head up, and the Satorl Guardian's long, pointed beak hits the boy's nose.

" _Ugh_!" both grunt, Reyn stumbling backwards and falling. The Guardian wheezes, flaps its wings frantically, and struggles underneath Reyn.

"What was that?!"

He stands, looks frantically around, and turns in place. The ansel, with its yellow mohawk and deadly little eyes, hangs from Reyn's back — completely defeated.

"What?!" the nopon screams. "How can you—?! How did you—?!"

Sighing, Fiora pulls the talons out from Reyn's back, and the bird falls to the platform, dead. "If a battle actually occurred here, it would be with you, nopon, to the tune of 'A Tragic Decision.'"

"That was me only tourist attraction! Now what nopon going do!" he screams, hopping back and forth on his stubby legs. "Homhom ruin everything!"

"GO BACK TO ZANZA, KID." Xord huffs. "LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

Triumphant, the large gaggle of Bionis and Mechonis dwellers alike press on, and on, and on! As they walk past, Shulk and Fiora snap the check out of the nopon's grubby hands and promptly tears it up, throwing the pieces high above their heads. The magical staircase opens up to lead them up to Reyn's expected elevator. Except this elevator doesn't work.

" _Gosh dang it!_ "

* * *

With a gasp, Reyn finally makes it up the remaining set of vines and flops onto the stone. "I shoulda expected that! I shoulda expected that —"

"— BUT YOU DIDN'T." The Face unit, with a screaming fit of laughter, lands on the platform, all the girls hanging on. The boys all groan as they see Sharla and Fiora's impish expressions.

"Shut up!" he snarls.

"Why did you get a ride?" Shulk says with a whine to Fiora, who only cackles in response.

Dunban huffs. "Because we're men, Shulk, and men must press on!"

"But I wanted an elevator…" the redhead says, slumped over.

"Let's press on, men!" He extends out his sword as if pointing the way, and the group reluctantly follows. Xord urgently motions the girls to slide off, and the Arachno Queen crouches down for the two to ride the rest of the way on her instead.

"Thanks, Xordy." she says in a flirtatious tone.

"NO PROB, SPIDEY QUEEN."

They head in though the narrow passageway, and Xord manages to get himself stuck. "OH, SON OF A DICKSON. EHHH… HEHEHEH, GO ON WITHOUT ME, I'LL JUST…JUST HANG HERE. YYYYEP."

Sharla screams as the Queen scales the wall to fit.

"HEY, QUEENY, HANG ON, WAIT." She stops and glances over to the man, and if the arachno had eyebrows, they would be raising repeatedly now. Xord hops out of his Face unit and jumps up onto her back with the help from one of her legs pushing him up. "WHOOOOO! I GETTA RIDE!"

The surrounding area gets less rocky and more… _organic_. Gross, disgusting purple walls of soft tissue, crusted over with eons of mold and callouses.

"Tisk." Dunban remarks. "That's what you get for treating your body like crap."

"I bet this is what Reyn's Interior looks like," Fiora adds.

"Shut up!"

After about 5 minutes of trekking though dust and dead cells, Xord groans in tandem with the two girls.

Sharla takes out her ether rifle and begins to shoot at the wall. Meanwhile, Zanza writhes in pain. " _Boring_. Boring. Boring. Boring. Boring."

"So boring." The homs girl sighs and stabs at the ground with one knife, then the other before continuing onwards on the Arachno Queen's back. Zanza screams. Fiora's mouth twitches as a humorous thought reaches her — now he knows how it felt to be impaled by Metal Face over what he originally did eons prior. _You just had to fight the Mechonis, Zanza, and where did it get you? Invaded by your Bionis bugs like an infection,_ Alvis thinks with a smile coming though Fiora's face.

" _We are the parasites!_ " she screams out abruptly, standing up tall on the Queen's hairy backside. "Oh, I _love it_ as a homs!"

The others just stare at her. Xord sniggers a laugh, only for it to be cut short by a slap from Sharla. "Oh, I hate it as a homs!" he remarks back.

Sharla pulls her back down, and Fiora only laughs sheepishly.

"I bet you do," the lancer says quietly.

"At least she did't proclaim her love for Shulk…" Alvis-Shulk mutters under his breath, averting his eyes. "Oh Meyneth, that would be so embarrassing…"

Xord begins to sing off-key. "Over the gastric pit and above the ledge, onwards to Granny's we goes! Dedew, dedew, dedew, dedew, dedewdewdewdewdewdewpew!"

Gritting his teeth, Dunban finally can't take anymore of the man's mockery of the ditty from his childhood, when he and his mother and his father would travel to Colony 1 on the Bionis' Left Shoulder to visit dear old Grandma. It was before Fiora was born. She'd probably not care to hear the stories; oh, how that colony was magnificent! "That's not _right_! It goes, 'Over Satorl and though Makna, to Grandmother's house we go!'" The man sings this expertly, in a beautiful, operatic tone that's reminiscent of his father's voice. "'Hurrah for fun, the stew is done, hurrah for the Bunniv Pie!'"

Xord roars a laugh. "I just wanted ta' hear you say it, Dundun!"

His face flushes red.

They emerge from the orifice of the Bionis only to sigh in sheer relief.

* * *

Deep in Makna Forest, in a clearing swathed by trees and more trees, a young girl and four armored men stand off against a giant creature, covered with a thick layer of slimy mucus that shines in the monster's own glow.

"Back, fowl creature!" the girl shouts, brandishing a staff.

"Lady, let us handle this, _please_?" the one guard whines. "You always get to kill the creature!"

"Yeah, stop hogging the last turn!"

"This isn't _Sword Art Online_ , now let her do it if she wants to." the third guard patiently reminds.

"I don't care, I'm sick of being this rank! Can't she let us do it this time, then we can just leave her be?"

"I hate half-breeds."

"Shut up," the girl snarls, whipping around. "I am trying to summon an eleme — ohhh."

The four guards go flying as one hit from the creature becomes a one-hit KO. She turns back around, clears her throat daintily, and spins the staff in her gloved hand. "Well," the girl mutters, "since I no longer have the palace guards hanging around my back… You freaking suck, you loser! What else… Hm… Oh! (I think I heard Brother call Father this when he was acting rebellious a few dozen decades ago) You scruffy-looking nerf herder!" With her scream, bright light envelops the mutated monstrosity, and she promptly swoons. "I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that."

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: You may certainly ask, and I think a "Flashback with Fiora" moment will be coming up** ** _very_** **soon ;)**


	16. Flashbacks with Fiora

When we last left our heroes, Reyn enjoys the game of Place the Orb in the Orifice in Satorl Marsh, and defeats the Satorl Guardian with nothing but his sheer ignorance. The group manages to get past the Bionis' Interior after Dunban nearly goes insane from Xord's bad singing voice, and they enter into Makna Forest — home to nopon and a two-faced princess. Kind of like Erik. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, the real Fiora, trapped on the Mechonis, lives up some good R&R, and the fake Fiora would rather be anywhere but Makna.

 _I never truly thought that_ _the Mechonis was all that bad, I swear_ , Fiora thinks with a smile as she adjusts her position, _I mean, I wouldn't tell Vanea I only liked it because of her_ Twilight _team ship fics, but…_ With a shrug, she sits up, exhales, and analyzes Central Factory from the Training Ground Roof. "Oh, Shuuuulk?"

"What do you want? I am not getting married!" Shulk grumps from the opposite side of the flat surface. He picks at his red armor, mouth pursed tight in disgust.

"I never said that."

"But I know you're gonna say it!"

"Dunban's gross, okay? He's all like, Fiora x Shulk, _Xenoblade Chronicles_ canon!" she says in a mocking tone. "I hate it."

"Oh, gross, really?"

"Yep."

Shulk gags and sounds almost as if he's about to cough up a hairball. Then he does.

"Speaking of gross…" Fiora remarks quietly, averting her eyes.

Shulk is silent for a minute, sitting at the edge of the platform in thought. His legs spontaneously kick out like an anxious child who can't sit still. "If I can just…unlock the plotline of _Xenoblade 2_ …"

Fiora gazes off at the distant plumes of fire arcing up to the air. The smoke curls off the base of the Apocrypha Generator.

 _"_ _Fiora, I want you to meet Shulk. Shulk, Fiora."_

 _Dunban beams wide and pushes the girl towards the shy boy, his hands clenched onto Dickson's pant leg. "Aw, come on, Shulk, don't be so shy." the homs chides. "Look, she even_ wants _to meet you."_

 _Fiora slowly approaches the boy with her hand outstretched. "Hi! I'm Fiora!"_

 _"_ ** _I can see into the Passage of Fate!_** _" She jumps aside as Shulk blurts this out. Dickson's face flushes red. "_ ** _Meyneth, I am not marrying you fourteen years from now!_** _"_

 _"_ _I-I'm sorry, Shulk's just not feeling himself right now…" He titters nervously and grabs the screaming homs child, enwrapping him tight in his arms and striding off._

 _The girl blinks, taken aback. She looks up at her older brother, bewilderment in her face. "Who's Maynaff, Dundun?"_

 _"_ _Ugh…" Dunban, only 16 and in no mood to even try to make something up that's pleasing to her ears, only takes her hand and walks away. "I honestly don't know. Why would anyone make you marry that crazy, Fiora? You deserve someone much better, a hero, someone predestined for greatness!"_

 _In the distance, Shulk continues to rant._

 _"_ ** _I_** **am** ** _predestined for greatness, so says the Passage of Fate!_** _"_

 _"_ _Oi, Zanza, shut up."_

 _"_ ** _S-shhhhhh! What happened to INCONSPICUOUSNESS in a CHILD'S BODY, Dicky?!_** _"_

 _"_ _Eurgh."_

 _"_ ** _Get me a throne! Get me some servants! Get me Lorithia! Get me a cookie!_** _"_

 _He blusters a sigh and lowers Shulk to the ground before crossing his arms. "You're suppose to be watching your weight."_

 _"_ ** _Now! The Passage of Fate demands it!_** _"_

 _"_ _Okay, okay, don't get all uptight over your 'Passage of Fate' BS, I'm getting there."_

 _Stopping, the boy scuffs his feet on the gravel, then looks up at the homs. "I pooped myself." Shulk abruptly says so innocently._

 _Dickson grumbles something. "Talk about BS."_

 _"_ ** _Passage of Fate withdrawal. This will happen frequently. It's only natural._** _"_

 _"_ _I always knew I'd hate raising children."_

Fiora shudders.

"Hey, Fiora?"

Stiffening — shocked that Shulk actually acknowledged her — she turns around. "Shulk?"

"Remember that one time, when Dunban yelled at us and you dragged me out that night to Outlook Park? And we watched the sunrise together?" He barks a laugh. "I think I fell asleep in Reyn's burritos during lunch the following morning."

"U-um, yeah, yeah…" A nervous feeling begins to ebb in her heart. "What did I… What did I ask you again? I mean, I know I asked you something that night, but um…I can't remember what, yeah, that's right, ahahahahaha!"

Shulk also turns around and gives her a funny look. "What was _that_? A dying mechon?"

"Nothing!"

"Well, you asked…" A thoughtful look crosses his face as he rubs his chin, reveling in his growing peach fuzz. He begins to grin stupidly. Fiora's sinking feeling begins to plummet. "You wanted to go fishing!"

"What?!"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"I really asked that?!" Fiora says, dumbfounded. "I can't believe you remember!" _And I don't!_

"Yeah, it was great." The boy smiles and leans back. "You actually managed to hook one, but then your hook got caught on the Dark Murakmor and — haha! — You totally got POWNed!"

 _I remember_ that.

"Yeah," Fiora replies, "and that was when you and Reyn — haha!" she mimics his laugh, as if this was _so funny_. "Ran away from me and you dragged your sorry hides onto Agora Shore? You guys totally got POWNed! That was way worse than that big bird, you two were in the infirmary for months with piranhax bites! Don't you still have the scars? Oh, Meyneth, I can't believe I forgot I originally asked that, that was _so good_!"

"Yeah, s-so good…" Shulk replies weakly. "H-ha…aaah…"

"Hey, aren't you still afraid of —"

"Shut up!" Stammering, the Face pilot stands and, before Fiora can react, shoves the girl off the training platform. "It's because of you that I had to see a therapist over at Colony 6 every weekend! And then it got smashed, and I couldn't! And I hid that from everyone, because I wanted Reyn to get screwed over on his eventual journey!"

"You're so genre-savvy, I hate it." she grumbles, pulling herself up —

"I've played RPGs before."

— when a dark shadow casts above her frame.

The Fortress Unit prods at the homs before frightening chords strike and battle music starts up. Fiora screams, and gets completely smashed before she could even shout "it's Fiora time."

Shulk raises his eyebrows at the mechon's cold efficiency, wonders if he could ever make a mechon-telethia, then gasps when Fiora respawns at the last key landmark a dozen or so meters away. He stumbles for words, but none come. "What."

Then,

" **Son of a Dickson, my glorious plans are RUINED!** " Voice deepening and bellowing out, Zanza snarls in agony. There goes his idea to sic telethia on everyone. " **I feel like I've lost my credence with the scientific world, WHY did I destroy the old universe?!** "

"Darn right everything's ruined," the girl calls, "I have to time my jump off this fast-moving platform again! It took me 10 times the first go 'round alone! **You know, you could have figured this out a long time ago if you just took the time to actually treat your creations like creations. Then where would we be, hm? HM, HM?** " Meyneth starts this calmly, but ends in a snap. " **But, y'know, it's fine, I have all my Machina, so who cares what you think? Always listen to your girlfriend, Zanny.** "

Zanza lets out a whine. " **Don't call me that!** "

" **I did warn you not to touch that button.** " She analyzes her fingertips after buffing them on her abdomen's armor.

" **But it was a button! And that stupid button blew up my button collection back in Kansas!** "

" **And who touched said stupid button?** "

" **Not me! Nooope, not me!** "

" **Let me guess,** " she remarks calmly, " **a nopon did it. Or better yet, Dickson did it.** "

" **Don't be foolish, Meyneth, you know those things didn't exist back then. Dickson may be old, but he's not that ol —… Hm…** " He pauses, and Meyneth cocks an eyebrow. " **Wait, I think I modeled him after my great-grandad.** "

She merely sighs and strides off. " **I'm going to watch a chick flick marathon with Vanea. See you, Zanny — or, better yet, you can join us. Pl** ** _eeee_** **ase, for your girlfriend, honey?** "

" **Ugh! Why didn't I break up with you when you turned into a giant killer robot, I should have known it wasn't going to end well!** "

" **You have a fetish~,** " Meyneth says in a singing voice. " **And face it, you like me as a robot.** " With a smirk, she strides off in triumph.

Zanza retreats in a defeated crawl back to his hidey-hole in Shulk's head, and Shulk blinks in confusion. "No wonder Fiora suddenly looked hot after the attack." He suddenly screams, and Fiora cackles all the way to Agniratha.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, back on the Bionis and the mind of an AI in drag…**

Alvis-Fiora glances stiffly around. _Tich. This place is so hot, I feel like I'm melting!_ Her eyes narrow as they land on Shulk, trying hard to conceal his same discomfort as Reyn blatantly complains ahead of him.

"Ugh, this place is so hot, I feel like I'm melting!"

 _And he said it for me._

"Because our quest just couldn't be convenient, Reyn." Dunban replies calmly, only to suddenly snarl something when an insect decides to take a stab at his neck. "Son of a Dickson, this place sucks!" The man's composure lost, he stalks off to intercept the Arachno Queen heading the group.

Xord mutters under his breath and casts a stare of contempt the homs' way. "You think you're hot," is all he says. "Like this armor is removable."

Fiora sighs. What she wouldn't give for Valak Mountain right about now. She remembers watching the Monado expedition group fourteen years ago, trekking perilously though the icy snow, hoping that they'd be there soon — well, Shulk's parents were. That brat sure was loud. He couldn't touch the pretty sword? _Bam_! Instant tears. He couldn't go back home as they stumbled though Makna and Colony 6, running from the Bionis' Leg monsters and screaming as the Arachno Queen nearly killed them in Tephra Cave. Nope, not he: he was along for the entire ride, whether the kid liked it or not. _I'm sure Shulk — er, Alvis — thought that that Juju-brat was a lot like the original Shulk in a lot of ways. Always whining about something. Or, heheh, screaming because of the caterpillar in his sock drawer._

A mischievous smile touches her face.

 _Yep, that was pretty good._

"Um, hey, why don't we stop for a second to…catch our breath?" Fiora coyly asks. Shulk exhales in sweet, sweet relief, and Reyn whoops.

"Yeah, go Alv — um, Fioraaa! Yep."

The group collapses onto a large log, and Dunban, as he tries to sit down nobly, falls backwards, his legs coming up as he screams. But he doesn't get up, and no one bothers to get him up. Cackling at the sight, Xord loses his balance and falls over as well with a little yip that was rather cute.

Sighing, Fiora takes in the scene. Rag-tag group? Check. Weird spider queen?

She sighs again.

Double check.

Freaky homs-turned-Face pilot, with the blood of both titans coursing though his varicose veins? Yep. Count him as two.

 _I guess Reyn, Dunban, and Sharla are the only usual ones of the bunch… Yeesh. What happened to a normal team?_

As she looks over at Shulk, busy trying to find a bush to disappear behind as he holds his crotch and whines something pathetic out (something about the loo?), the homs girl deflates. _He looks so much like Zanza. It's hard to believe Shulk really was just a coincidence._

 _Wait._

 _Did Dickson purposely be out of town when Shulk's parents were looking for their go-to babysitter? A-and did he purposely make sure that Shulk went with them when they searched for the Monado?!_

 _Oh, Dicky, you sly fox! I didn't think you were that smart, though since you've lasted this long, you should have had at least some. I wonder how you kept the other homs from wondering how you were immortal. How did Lorithia? Dickson could at least travel a bunch and expect the others to forget about him for a couple of hundred years or so, but that old coot? Not a chance. She's too…noticeable._

Alvis, hidden inside a girl's frame, shudders.

 _In too many ways._

In the distance, Shulk gasps in relief and promptly falls silent as he disappears to the Passage of Fate, or rather, its loo, to go do his thing. A sinking feeling hits Fiora: she'll be next. Ugh. That bathroom is never clean once Shulk gets done with it.

 _We'll be entering Eryth Sea next. I wonder if anyone would notice if me and Shulk had to, um, slip away._

"Oi, Fiora," Reyn grins at her. "You know that you're my best friend, right? And that I know that you know that you'd never leave me, right?"

Fiora's head drops to her knees.

 _Oh Meyneth._


	17. Shulk Found a Girl

**Shout-out to P.T. Piranha and their awesome Xenoblade Chronicles parody,** ** _It's Always Sunny on Bionis_** **! They were kind enough to permit me the use of Drunk Dunban and his 99 bottles of Mechonis Mark on the wall…**

When we last left our heroes, the group took a breather from wandering around lost in Makna Forest. Off-page, they determine that the best and only way — so Dunban, getting increasingly more drunk, insists — that they can possibly get out of the jungle was to split up and search for clues. Wait…

"Okay, let's split up." Dunban swings his large lancer as he analyzes the rag-tag group lined up in front of him. "Um… Shulk, Fiora, and Re —"

"Ugh, really, the original pairing?! Come on, I wanna be with Reyn!" the Arachno Queen whines, dancing in place. "I want Reyn and Xord."

Then, like the biggest girl on the playground, the Arachno Queen takes over the teams. Dunban only sighs as she shoves him back to the line.

Xord screams in joy and practically skips over toward the arachno. "Finally, I'm picked first!" Moaning, Reyn follows shortly behind him.

"Okay. Dunban, Sharla, and Fiora."

"Yay, I'm with Big Brother~!" At that, Dunban only grunts.

The Queen focuses her attention to the Last Picked of the bunch, Shulk. He exasperatedly groans and slumps over. "Um, you know, I could just merge with Fio—"

"Go at it alone, you pasty freak!"

"Okay…" he says dejectedly. "I'll just…be alone. Like always. Lik-like in the lab, or at the junkyard. Or sometimes at Outlook Park."

"This ain't Colony Sunshine, buckaroo, so shape up or ship out!"

"What happened to make you so _mean_?!"

The Arachno Queen shifts in place and tips her head up, glaring down at him in contempt. "Because I've seen things, spidering, things that no living Bionis creature would ever hope to see in their lifetime. The war with the Gogols has hardened my heart. I'm a war machine now."

"Geez, was your general Square-tashe or somethin'?!" Reyn says.

"He did come around every once in a while, yes." A purring noise begins to resonate off of the Queen, as if Mechonis Field started up inside of her core. "That mustache lightened the dark times and gave us a reason to look ahead to hope."

"Oh Bionis, I think I'm gonna hurl."

Xord merrily pounds on Reyn's back as he gags. "Son of a Dickson, this chick's been everywhere!"

"I'm glad you see me as so young, Xordy…" The Queen blushes.

Reyn begins to throw up. "Oi, not on my boots!" the homs man snaps, grabbing his shoulders and whipping him to the side.

As something wet and stale drops onto Shulk's feet, he merely sighs. "At this point, I might as well just _stop_ wearing shoes."

"No way, man," Reyn says, taking a breath. Xord adjusts his position as the boy hangs one arm on his broad shoulders. "I need them for something to aim at. Like when I used your stuffed Bunniv doll so I'd hit the toilet."

Shulk pulls out a ragged doll from the inside of his vest — much to the shock and surprise of the others — then bursts into tears and runs off. "My pretty Bunny, no wonder you smelled like a real Bunniv! How could he do that to you?!"

The group stares at him, and Xord only stifles an insane giggle. Before he could speak, however, Dunban slaps the back of his head and strides off, the two girls in tow. "You're _not_ ruining my favorite songs again!"

"I-I… How did you know?!" he asks, gasping dramatically as if he's a villain who's been unmasked.

"Because I'm Dunban! Fear me and my cape!"

As he strides forward, his awesome cape catches on a Makna Forest tree branch and rips off.

* * *

Shulk sobs as he sprints though the thick trees and stifling humidity. "They don't understand! None of them understand, and no-now I know why Bunny smells like Colony 6! That thing is on his Dickson!" He trips on a tree root with a sharp grunt, landing on something somewhat-soft. "Owww!"

" **This is why you don't mock the Bionis! Don't you think I know that already?!** " Zanza's disembodied voice reprimands Alvis-Shulk, who's left grimacing on the floor of the forest.

The boy lets out a disgusted squeal. "You did that on purpose?!"

 **"** **Heh, heheh, you bet I did."**

"Mmf… _Ugh_!" As the boy engineer sits up, he gets a slap to the face.

"Hey, what was that for, Bionis, do'ya hafta slap me too?"

"What are you talking about, uncouth homs child?" He frowns and looks down at the teenage girl, pinned underneath him. "Besides orifices?"

He stammers, his face growing red. "That wasn't what I… Uh…"

 _It's a girl._

 _Oh Meyneth, it's a girl._

 _Meyneth grins down at Alvis from her shrine in Agniratha, glowing a brilliant, warm orange as nighttime sets. "Don't worry, man, you'll find a nice girl for you someday. It's all — pardon my Zanza speak — according to the Passage of Fate. So hey! It might take a few hundred years, but she's out there for you, sweetcakes. Don't give up hope yet!"_

Shulk screams out a whooping cheer and leaps for joy. "Oh, _Meyneth_ , I finally found a girl!" only to land on said girl again.

"Uh—!"

* * *

"Guys, guys, Reyn!" The groups, who've reconvened at a small clearing, turn around from watching the spectacle of acts-drunk Xord verses actually-is-drunk Dunban — locked in a timeless battle over what _Twilight_ team is better — and instead watches the spectacle of Shulk Brought Home a Girl.

"Whoa, man, when we said to go alone, we didn't mean for you to split into _three_ people and date yourself." Reyn says.

"Oh, you know how much I'd like to, Reyn," he remarks, brushing his hair back, "but I've got bigger Tatsu to fry. Nonono, this is a _real girl_!"

She looks over at him with a flat expression on her face. "You sound like you've never seen a girl before in your life. Did you grow up in a drag colony?"

Reyn finds it hard to hold back a snigger. "She sure sounds like you, man."

"Ignore her." Shulk replies immediately.

Sharla steps forward, eyes narrowed in distrust. Then she nods, as if she's given Sharla's Seal of Approval. "Nope, she's homs. Totally a real girl."

"I knew I could count on you, girlll!" Bubbling a laugh, she extends out a curled fist. "M'name's Melia, by the way, doesn't at all rhyme with Belia or Selia, and most definitely isn't regal sounding."

The medic bumps fists and grins widely. "I'm Sharla. This here is Shulk, Reyn, Xord, Fiora, Dunban, and the Arachno Queen."

"Sweet, another girl, chick flick movie night!" the Arachno Queen says.

With a gasp, Fiora yips in anticipation. "Y _eee_ s!"

"I love this group already!" Whooping, she sprints over to them and leaps onto the Queen's back. "So, Edward or Jacob?"

Fiora groans and rolls her eyes, but before she could answer with a complaint loaded onto her tongue, Xord responds, "Totally Jacob!"

"Ugh!"

While Sharla gave her Seal of Approval, Dunban, Shulk's childhood hero, doesn't give his. With a snort, he takes a swig from his always-full flask and begins to drunkenly laugh. "Where did you come from, Melia? The bar over at the other side of the forest? I've always told Shulk not to bring home girls from bars!"

"What?!" Shulk replies, admonished. "That is so insulting!" he adds with a whine. "You bring home girls all the time, you insist they came free with your drink or something!"

"Nope, nopenopenope!"

Reyn only smirks. "I wondered were Emmy Leater came from."

"Regardless of where this chick's from," Xord says, standing up from a tree stump and stretching. "She's with the group now!" The Queen screams her delight and nearly shakes the girl off.

"So, what brings you to the woods, dude? Out ghost huntin'?"

"No," Melia says stiffly, "I was killing a beast. I can get nopon to help me do ghost hunting," she adds, as if that's the most foolish thing ever. "Besides, it's still loose, so I have to kill it. Erm, dude."

"Oh. Well hey, even better! We'll come with you, I loved that game!"

"What game?"

" _Monster Hunter_." Reyn says, a stupid grin landing on his face. "Come on, let's go, where is it?"

Melia scoffs, indignant. "You really think you're just going to waltz into my quest?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'm avenging my harem of men, but I don't really mind having a bunch of dirty, foreign strangers butting in, so…" Shrugging, she slips off the Queen's hairy backside and skips forward. "Tallyho, peoples."

* * *

 **Time for… Letters with Leater.** This is a new thing that will happen every few chapters or so and focuses on one or more characters, answering fan questions or interviewing the character about their role in the story. Actual questions sent by readers will be addressed in this section — the group encourages the questions; they need something better to do than to watch Xord and Dunban fight over the better man for Bella. If there aren't many, they'll start making some up, and these won't have a shout-out attached.

See what the group did just there? Bribery.

Please, submit your questions.

They welcome it.

 **Today's episode presents…Emmy Leater, Colony 9 Defense Force star and potential leader of them all! A-and her crony, Miller.**

 **"** **Emmy Leater, did you know spell check changes your surname to 'Leader'?"**

Emmy pauses, adjusts her scarf, and smirks slightly. "Well, no, I did not."

 **"** **And that 'Emmy' could mean 'Any,' such as 'Any Leader'? Like, being just any old leader, being nothing special, boring, annoying —"**

"Shut up!" Miller cracks up at that, only to get a nasty glare cast his way. " _What_ was that?"

"N-nothing," he stammers.

 **"** **Alright, Emmy, you have the most annoying quests out of everyone in Colony 9, tell me, how does it feel to be hated by every single player on the face of this planet?"**

She pauses. "What."

A squeal escapes from Miller's mouth. "Oh, so she's like that girl from _Little House on the_ — oOOoOofFFFff!" With a swift kick the crotch, Miller goes down. Leater calmly lowers her foot and smiles.

"I have no idea what you mean." Her voice is even, unsettlingly so. "Why would they think that?"

 **"** **Well, in the Quest 'A Young Captain's Challenge,' both routes are terrible. Either you hate the player because they slandered your 'good' name or you hate the player because you lost on your own accord! Now tell me, how is that fair to abuse the people who actually took that quest for your sake and went through all that trouble just to get yelled at? And then you take away reputation points!*"**

Leater blinks, wetting her glazed eyes, before finally answering in her stupor. "What? Oh, sorry, I spaced out after 'A Young Captain.'"

 **"** **Isn't that what all people do."** A pause. **"Did you really come from a bar?"**

"Is this what Dunban's come to…? Making up where I came from? How could you believe him, he's never clear-headed when he's drunk."

 **"** **Actually, intoxicated people tend to be loose-lipped with the truth—"**

"Shut up!"

 ***Note: this is repaired in the Leater-relationship-repairer quest. Just…just in case you don't want to see Leater get humiliated. Besides, if you want to give Moritz birthday shoes, you need to do this quest chain through the end *sigh*. I mean, geez, the poor kid has to lug around Heavy Bunniv Iron all day, he deserves a birthday with Dad.**

 **And crazy-hard friendship tokens.**

 **I find it very hard to accept that Shulk and Reyn did this when they were his age.**


	18. Chief Dunga's Nude Beach

When we last left our heroes, Shulk found a girl — he couldn't believe his luck! — after tripping over her. The girl introduced herself as Melia, but not Belia or Selia, and joined the merry party. However, she revealed her point to wandering in the stifling heat of Makna Forest: the Makna Forest FILLER Quest. Reyn gladly volunteers the group, and they press on!

"Ugh…" Dunban moans, dragging himself along at the tail end off the large group. "I thignk I have a hangover…"

"I think you're still drunk," retorts Fiora.

"'I _thhhhignk_ I have a hangover!'" Reyn imitates with a chortle. Shulk promptly slaps the back of his head in reply.

With a crass snort at the boys' antics behind her, Melia whirls to a stop in front of a rather precarious wood and rope bridge. "Alright, peoples. This is the entrance to the Land of the Nopon."

"Nope!" A hiss escaping her, the Arachno Queen goes to run away, only to be stopped by Xord's hand grabbing her arm. She blushes and leans in toward him, nuzzling one side of her face into his thick mullet.

"No, no _pon_." Melia corrects sternly. "And if you're going to the Bionis' head — I heard that right on the way here, right, er…"

"Sharla," the woman replies.

"Uh, yeahyeah, Sharla. Anyways, Barla, if you're going to the Bionis' head, you have to help me first."

The entire group explodes into protests. " _What_?!"

"That's super pragmatic!" the Monado boy whines.

Fiora firmly nods in agreement. "Super mean, Shellia!"

"It's _Melia_! What did I tell you about my name?! And besides, nerf herder, your bouncer said that you'd help me," she says, crossing her arms and looking away. "His name's Rain, right?"

"Reyn!" Reyn snaps. "But hey! There's not a rainbow without Reyn, baby —" Dunban slaps a hand over the boy's mouth.

She stammers before shaking her head hard. "Sure, whatever, Brine. You promised, and dirty homs keep their promises or else they become Lorithia's pet, and I don't think you'd like that very much!" The girl scolds the company as if she's looped a lot of Lower Bionis Dwellers into her quests in the past. "She's always on about 'paying for your insolence,' well, I don't know much about no insolence or anything, but… A-anyways, like I said, Brine promised!"

Dunban's whine increases in pitch, and Reyn exclaims in anger, only to be firmly held back by Fiora, eyes blazing. "Okay. We'll help you, Melia, but only if you take us to the head! _You_ promised!"

"Shut up!" A sharp, exasperated groan escaping her, Melia storms up the fragile little wood bridge. "Good luck getting up here, this is built for nopon!"

Reyn squeals as he sees the giant, powerful monsters underneath them. "Oh my Bionis, those monsters are — AHHHHH! AHHHHH!" He, not paying any attention whatsoever, **falls**.

Ominous battle music starts, but before it could even reach the apex of its melody, the monsters tear the boy apart. The group watches with enlarged eyes as his shredded clothes fly up, and Melia leans over the edge, only to be pulled back by a scowling Shulk. "You pervert."

"I-I've already seen it, it's not pretty," Fiora stammers to them.

Sharla nods tautly. "He tried to compete with a peeing Volff back on the Bionis' Leg."

Melia scoffs and continues upwards as Reyn respawns, his face twisted in perplexmxent. "H-hey guys, wait up!" She turns around, and her expression changes from cool, calm, and composed, to slack-jawed and mortified. "A-ah…" Eyes running up and down the tanned, muscular frame, the girl was pretty sure something was very wrong with this sight before her.

He plants his hands on his hips, exhales and grins stupidly. "The forest feels much nicer now."

"What the Bionis are you doing, _Reyn_! I'm trying to impress my girl!" Shulk yells. "You don't just walking in naked on people!"

"But my armor got shredded by those creatures!" he whines in reply. "And I was trying to catch up with you, I didn't have time to throw on something! I thought they avoided my trunks…"

"A-ah…" Sulk, with a glare, allows Melia to tremble in his arms, hiding her gaze from the freakish monstrosity in front of her.

"It was a Defense Force accident," Reyn says with a shrug.

He kicks the back of Reyn's knee, and he goes down.

"AhHhHHhhHHHhHh! SH —"

With a "whatever" frown, Shulk strides forward, Melia finally breaking away from him when the coast was clear. She joins the rest of the girls, who comfort her the best they could. The Arachno Queen skitters back to the top of the bridge from the bottom, where she clung to in wait, and allows the girls to ride in a pity gesture.

"Eh, I don't really mind," Sharla says, "but I am so not passing up a free ride."

"Wait, Queenyyy!" Xord exclaims, only to fall off the bridge as well. "Reyn, we bachelors can suffer togetherrrrr—!"

"Doesn't he have a son…?" Dunban asks, scratching his head. He burps and takes another swig of his flask.

"A daughter, and he's a widower." Shulk replies. "Get it together, man, you're suppose to be my hero. Geez, do I have bad pick in my childhood father-figures…"

"In more ways than one!" The man explodes out in giggles.

"What?! What do you mean?!"

"N-nothing—!"

He doubles over, and Shulk stalks past him. "I hate it when you get all vague and plot sensitive on me."

* * *

At the top, Melia smooths out her headdress and straightens her shoulders. "We're here."

Reyn and Xord finally catch up, panting hard as they're covered in various bumps and bruises. Xord only moans and pats his tangled, matted hair, ripped up in parts. He sighs. " _Well_ , good thing Egil made it grow fast…"

"There's that name _again_!"

"Son of a Dickson," the man mutters. "Uhhhhh… Oh! Meliaaaa~!"

"Yes, mechon?"

He has to fight the urge to shout out something back. That would be bad. "U-um, why're we here?"

Melia gets a blank look on her face as she lifts her head up to the massive tree behind her. "Hm, I don't really know," she replies with a little smirk, "but I guess plot calls, huh? Tallyho."

The group groans and drags themselves after her, and as they pass under the opening of the hollow tree, a dark shadow casts over them. "Something tells me we gotta FILLER quest comin' up~…" Xord says with a less-than merry hum that reverberates in his throat.

Shulk slumps over. "This is gonna suck, isn't it? We're gonna have to do another nopon tourist trap, aren't we?"

"We are in a giant nopon tree, Shulk, what do you think?" Fiora responds calmly, though her hands clench at her sides as the smells of matted nopon fur and red pollen drift across her nostrils. "Oh Meyneth. It smells like Reyn in the rain."

"Oh, you're right—!" the boy says, cutting off his words as he gags.

Reyn blinks in confusion behind the two, and he crosses his arms as he looks over at Xord and Dunban, who stopped somewhere on the bridge and waited for Colony 9's Least Eligible Bachelors to spawn back at it, only to trail behind like a kinda-sorta-dead Shulk left out in the cold; either that, or he just wanted to throw up.

Reyn really couldn't tell.

"OOOOOOOOHHHH, Melia, my dear girl, how are you doing on this fine, fine morning!"

Sharla stops with a cringe at the halting homs-speak before her. With a frown, she slips off the Arachno Queen's hairy backside after Fiora and grabs her ether rifle. "Who's there!"

"That can't be a nopon," the Face Unit says, folding his arms and twisting his mouth as he tries to see past Melia, standing on a platform in the middle of a tiny lake that just so oddly happens to be at the center of the tree. She blocks the view of whoever the speaker is. All Xord could tell is that the speaker was short, squat, and sounded like Vanea on one of her bad days.

He cracks up a little at that thought.

"Nope!" the Arachno Queen says.

"No _pon_!"

A gaggle of nopon begin to form around the group. Dunban whines something out and rubs his eyes. "I thingk I drank too much… Nopon are multiplying everywhere!"

"You thingk?" Reyn replies dryly.

"Ahhh, Melia, Melia, how good of you to come! What seems to be the trouble? Certainly not that Telethia ruining our forest, I think!"

"Eh…" She glances away before chuckling nervously. " _Um_ …" With a slight stammer, she turns around and gestures to her group. "Chief, these are some Crotch Bionis creatures that offered to help me on my quest."

"Hey!" Fiora snaps. "We're not all from Colony 6!"

"That wasn't what I meant." Melia shoots back. Dunban gasps exaggeratedly. Stepping aside, the girl point to each one of the party as well as reveals the owner of the butchered homs' speech: a grey and pink nopon wearing extravagant robes and enjoys teasing his hair for hours at a time in front of the bathroom mirror. "The one who smells like poor homs' booze is Dundun; the girl with the boobs is Narla, the poor thing has back problems; the other girl is Fiorung, she's someone you wouldn't expect to be killed off within two hours of playing her," Melia says, "next we got, erm, the pasty kid Uhulk, who's really feeling it aaaand that's all you need to know; there's the Arachnope Queen, her favorite movie is _How to Kiss a Reyn in 10 Days_ … Hm… Oh! The mechon is Cord, he's a freak."

Reyn's face flushes red. "H-hey! You forgot me!"

Melia groans and covers her mouth, face feeling rather hot. "That's Spryne, he likes going in the nude, avoid him at all costs."

"I tried setting up a nude beach on the Anti-Air Battery 1's shore," he throws out casually, "but only Jan went for it."

"Yeah. He's a plague, avoid him."

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH, me like the idea of a nude beach!"

Reyn whoops.

"Me'sa will help homhom get to Bionis' head, but only if homhom sets up nude beach near Yellow Forest Grove, but WAIT, a Telethia is near there! Homhom and Melia must defeat Telethia to make nude beach safer for our nopon! Our Heropon will help you in your quest!"

Discordant whistling fills the halls of the tree as many a nopon join in around the group. Xord happily joins in along with them, while Sharla snorts and lifts up her ether rifle, firing it thrice into the air. From up above, a nopon screams as the crowd falls silent.

"Enter, HEROPON RIKIIIIIIIIIII!"

" _Waaaaa_!"

A second nopon shrieks as he lands onto Reyn's face. Reyn joins in on the shrieking. "Son of a Dickson, get this bath loofa offa my face!"

He hits it like a volleyball, and the poor orange nopon flies onto Sharla, who tries to shoot him. "Ahhhh! Scary lady, scary lady!" He _leaps_ into Shulk's surprised arms, only to throw himself off rather quickly. "Ghost homhom, scaaaary!"

"S-sh, don't spoil it—!"

Riki slams into Dunban, who staggers backwards, moans, and finally lets it all fly out. By the time the nopon lands, he's too weak to do anything but realize the truth: that he smells like Reyn's breath and Mechonis Mark vomit. "Ooh… Riki should not have eaten so many homhom, ooh, bad, bad, bad Heropon Riki, bad! Now what Oka say about Riki!" he says with a scoff. "Oka call Riki a Gogol, ooh, yes, she does! Says Riki eats every homhom to visit our humble abode before the littlepons have a chance at the homhom!"

The party continues to stare at the round, little Bionis creature as he continues muttering incessantly to himself. With a disgusted shake of his head, sending gelatinous droplets everywhere, Riki waddles over to Melia and cocks his head. "Melly!"

"Awwwww!" the party coos.

Melia slams her hand against her face.

"I told you we're going on another FILLER quest!"


	19. Best Stir Fry This Side of the Bionis

**2,000 view milestone! Thank you so much for the continued support of this fanfiction! I couldn't have asked for a better fandom to join. :)**

When we last left our heroes, Melia introduced the group to Chief Dunga, resident leader of the nopon and giver of the FILLER quest of Makna Forest. Inspired by Reyn's past failures, the chief is resolved to build a nude beach at Yellow Forest Grove, but the Teletha only gets in the way! Our heroes are given a Heropon Riki, and they're sent on their way. Only Reyn seems to be overjoyed, strangely enough.

Shulk moans at the dilapidated forest ahead of them, and especially moans at the lone Telethia reclining in the center of it. However, it was less the sight of the disgusting, mucusy creature that sickened him than it was what it was doing.

A rotting tree branch falls onto the Telethia's head, but it only grunts and continues being glued on famous High Entia XenoTuber Soongalle's "Try Not to Laugh Challenge Number 5,129 — The Dickson Edition."

"Oh, come on!" he exclaims. "I haven't gotten to that one yet!"

"Freaking Dickson, really?!" Reyn screams. The Telethia snorts, spraying mucus onto his phone screen, and throws its many heads up. "I mean, come on, man, we've been hiking all the way up to this ridiculously hot, stinky forest just to find that we've fallen behind in Soongalle's videos?! Do you know how hard it is to catch up with things like that!"

The creature chuckles dorkily, its laugh deep and booming in the forest. A lone ansel squawks and flies away as the trees shake, and Sharla loses her balance at the frightened quaking of the Bionis. "I'm so _busy_ these days, you know, so I totally know what you mean!" he remarks sarcastically. "Do you know how boring it is down here?"

"Oh." Melia frowns in sympathy. "That would be very hard, wouldn't it?"

"Yes!" it whines. "The only way I can keep up with my son is from his XenoTube videos, and even then he acts so stupid!"

"Erm," Dunban slurs, "I may be drunk, but did you just heavily hint that Telethia can have s— _oOOooOOOooooOOo_!" The Arachno Queen swiftly executes a kick where the sun doesn't shine.

"And now you won't be able to," she says. Dunban collapses, trying to hold back his pathetic squeals.

The Leone Telethia laughs again. "Nope!"

"No _pon_!—Er, oh, nevermind," Melia stammers. "Wrong time, I suppose."

"No, no! My child from before!"

The entire group goes silent. Fiora clears her throat testingly, but then doesn't say anything. Shulk merely kicks his foot in the grass. "Um… Yeah, sure, man. Whatever."

"I'm serious!" it insists. "I was actually a High Entia man before Lorithia turned me into a Telethia in these sickening experiments she does in the High Entia Tomb!"

They only continue to stare at the Leone Telethia. Then: "Dude, Lorithia may be weird and totally evil-looking, but I could never believe that she would do something like that!" Melia says. Xord nods in agreement: like he knows.

It sighs, then shrugs. Maybe his name will spark the faux-homs girl's memory! "M'name used to be Mir'angl, but you can just call me Leone, yeah?"

"Attack Dino-Beast!" Riki screams. Charging forward, everyone pulls out their weapons and charges the _clearly insane_ Telethia.

"No, wait, I'm telling the truth!"

"Dino-Beast clearly lying!" Dunban says.

"Son of a Dickson," Leone mutters.

"Born in a world of strife! Against the odds! We choose to fight! Silly Kick!"

Leone shrieks and disintegrates at the impact. "Just wait until you get to Kalliannnnnnnnnn!"

Dunban whoops, and Melia only frowns. "Now what did he mean by that…?

* * *

Chief Dunga chortles as the group returns, the girls and Xord perched on the Arachno Queen's Hairy Backside and the others dragging themselves, soaked in sweat and panting.

"OOOOOOOOOO! Homhom has returned!"

"Yayyyyy!" the little nopon cry.

"Heropon Riki bestest!"

As they parade Riki to the center of the room, the others are stunned into silence. "Wait, what?" Fiora says.

"Wait, we did everything!" Shulk outcries.

"Dunban did everything!" Dunban adds.

"HEROPON RIKI IS BACK IN THE BLACK!" Dunga announces. "WE WILL HAVE A DELIGHTFUL FEAST TONIGHT, AND OUR MEAL IS ALREADY HERE!"

"Sweet, food!" Xord says. "Not like I need it, but hey, food!"

"WE CANNOT EAT MECHON, BUT THE OTHERS WOULD MAKE A VERY TASTY TREAT TONIGHT!"

Whatever cheerful music playing from the nopon marching band scratches to a halt like a broken record player. Shulk coughs thinly. "Um, I'm sorry, but—"

"YOU HAVE BESTED THE TELETHIA FOR US, THAT HORRIBLE MIR'ANGL WHO GAVE US NOPON TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION! AND FOR THAT, WE MUST CELEBRATE WITH A CUSTOMARY NOPON CEREMONY!"

Melia blinks, confusion dulling her bright blue eyes. "Erm, what? Just what is this ceremony…? I've never heard of it before in my Nopon Studies course at Ivy Reef University. Is this a haze?!" she demands.

"AHHHH, MELIA, MELIA! FIRST," Dunga dances over toward the party and clears his throat, "WE SACRIFICE THE NETHER REGION QUELLERS IN A GIANT BLUE ORB AT APEX LAKE! THEN WE TAKE THE CRUSHED REMAINS AS IT CLOSES IN ON THEM AND THEN CREATE THE BEST STIR-FRY THIS SIDE OF THE BIONIS!"

Xord squeals. "Sounds absolutely delightful! I just love stir-fry!"

"You're missing the point!" the Arachno Queen screams.

"Ooooh, Riki always broke the rules, Riki didn't know it was a ceremony to eat homhom!"

Reyn humphs, "I knew that blue orb was dangerous! I've never seen it before, but I know that it's dangerous, I told you, I told you!"

"What are you blabbling about, Reyn?" Dunban slurs.

"The future!" He's cut off by Chief Dunga's great, booming voice.

"THANK YOU FOR HOMHOM'S NUDE BEACH IDEA, BUT I AM AFRAID WE WILL HAVE TO BRING IT TO FRUITION WITHOUT HOMHOM!"

"What?! No!" Reyn cries out in dismay. "Aw man, maybe Dionysis will go for it this time… If only Jan had better relationship choices…"

"TAKE THEM TO THE ORB, BERRYJAMMY!"

"Yes, Chief Dunga!" A squat nopon woman waddles over to them.

Shulk and Fiora snigger. "Oh my, _Berryjammy_? But that name!"

Berryjammy bursts into tears. "Stop mocking BJ's name!"

Xord groans in pleasure. "Mm! Sounds delicious, I haven't had berry jam for years! Désirée always made the best, it was my late wife's recipe!"

"No! Homhom make BJ sad!" She runs away.

"Nooo!" Riki says mournfully. "Riki like berry jam!" He suddenly ducks as Oka throws a Biter at him. "Riki meant food, Riki meant food, Oka, don't hurt Riki!" Chief Dunga only groans.

The Arachno Queen screams something out and grabs everyone, throwing the entire group onto her Hairy Backside and skittering out of Frontier Village as fast as she could possibly skitter.

"Wait, Riki has eleven littlepons, Riki has wifypon, _why are you taking Riki too_?!"

With a swish of her webbing like a giant, fuzzy Spiderman, the Arachno Queen flies off into the sunset. "Hang on, Spiderlings, I know of one place we can turn to… It's an old place heard only in Arachno lore…"

Sharla gasps and grips her coarse fur tighter. "Where?!"

"Only the coolest unfinished map in the history of gaming! The Bionis' Left Shoulder!"

Xord and Fiora's shrieks of fangirling echo into the distance.


	20. Biscuits for a Grandson

**Shoutout to Ivebeenmeaningtodothisformonth!**

 **Quest Break! Today, our heroes, run ragged from that dastardly Leone, skip-travel back from Makna Forest to the sweet, sweet air of Colony 9, or rather, Marcia's biscuits. These chapters are standalone and feature one (1) memorable quest. Whether they're memorable because they're good or bad is neither here nor there, really, but yes, this one is bad. In a good way. Quest information is taken from the** ** _Xenoblade Chronicles_** ** _Wiki_** **and 100-ish-percent accurate.**

 **Introducing…**

BISCUITS FOR A GRANDSON—a Big Brother-Little Brother production

 **Quest Giver** : Marcia

 **Unique Comments** : Fiora

 **Prereqs** : n/a

 **Objectives** :

\- Deliver Marcia's Biscuits to Jiroque

\- Return to Marcia

 **Rewards** :

\- +100 Reputation

\- 800 G

\- 30 EXP

\- Swimming Sandals

 **Affinity Chart** :

\- Marcia — Jiroque (yellow)

The rag-tag group scream as they pop into existence at the gates of Colony 9. Shulk grabs Fiora in fright before settling down and clearing his throat as if nothing at all was the matter.

"U-um, so, skip-travel, huh?"

Sharla takes a step back, swaying. "That was rather jarring."

"Let's do it again!" Reyn whoops. Dunban only moans and sits down on the grass.

"Does anyone need medical attention?"

They all mumble out "no," and Melia croons a "nada."

With a chuckle, Xord folds his arms and analyzes the colony's commercial district, bathed in the bright light of mid-morning. He suddenly stiffens as a girl, drifting aimlessly across the elevated walkway of the colony, moves into view. "Son of a Dickson, why's she out so late?! I thought she was supposed to leave before 9!" As the others cast him quizzical looks, he stammers. "Umm, well, me and Queenie and Sharlie and the boys will shove off towards, ah, um, Agora Shore, so…"

"Riki come to, Riki come too!"

"You're not a boy, you're a man!" the homs blusters out. "Go with the girls, they need you to protect them from more scary Dino-Beasts!" As if to scare the nopon, he extends out his hands and curls his fingers into claws.

Riki jumps back in genuine fear. " _Ahh_! Homhom right!"

"Naturally." Xord chuckles, but his smile fades fast. His eyes continue to stare at Désirée before he tears them away. "She's gonna kill me. She hated it when I had ol' Kenny gimme a mullet before, now what'll she say?!" he says with an outcry.

Riki looks up at the man. "Why homhom lady slaughter mechon?"

Now he's really stiffening. "I am not a mechon!"

"Well, how should Riki know that, Riki not seen mechon before, Riki heard Melly call Xord mechon!"

" _Melia, I'm gonna kill you myself_!" Melia, in surprise, turns around and smiles coldly. Xord composes himself and runs a hand down his thick mullet. "Let's just go." Leading the way, the party heads off toward considerably worser shores.

Melia, leading Fiora and Riki with her staff tucked neatly under one arm, struts across the bridge. _All my practice on this walk has paid off! Loot at me go, I'm a regal now!_

She trips.

"Fuzzy bamboo socks! Flapping Fizzbits! Kallian's headwings!" The two—well, save Riki, who basically just stood there hopping as Fiora did all the work—help the snarling girl up. "I got it, I got it!"

"Why are you wearing Dunban's stilettos?"

"He gave them to me," Melia replies, trying her walk again. "He gave me a very nice compliment as he did so. It was, 'Melia, you are the Mechonis to my Mark. Melia-x-Dunban, heart-heart together forever. I love you, sweet baby rays.'"

Fiora only chuckles dryly. "Oh, so he's getting desperate to give himself a canon pairing. Well, girl, you're going to be sad and lonely after all of this anyway. Might as well be with Dunban."

"So I have your blessing?!" Melia gasps, grabbing her hands.

"Er, yes?"

"Yus!" Pumping her fists, the girl gives up on her Regal Walk and instead sprints. Funny enough, she's more graceful this way.

"Ohh, Fiora, Riki confused."

"Why, Riki?"

"Fiora suppose to be d—"

She slams a hand onto his mouth. "S-shh, son't spoil it—!"

"Come on, hurry up!" Melia screams.

"Coming, Melia!" The pair hustle their buns to catch up with her, jogging in place.

As the girls and Riki enter the Commercial District, an old woman hobbles over to them from a food stand. She, with an incredibly cranky face, tugs on Fiora's sleeve. "Hey!" she snaps.

Fiora jerks. "Ah! I'm sorry, what do you want?" the girl replies.

"Didn't you see the exclamation mark above my head?!"

She looks up past the woman's grey hair. "Erm, no."

"You tramps."

Melia blanches. "Who are you calling a tramp! I am a regal—"

"Riki insulted! Augh, littlepons never call Riki a tramp before!"

Mumbling something and kicking her foot out, Fiora watches as her heel catches on the dirt ground. "Um… U-um, anyway, Marcia, what do you want…?"

Marcia smirks, triumphant, and whips a basket at the girl. She squeals and barely catches it. "Those are my biscuits! Don't you dare eat them, those are for my son! Er, umhmmm, grandson! That pasty fellow who hangs around Dionysis' house at night like a little punk! But he's not! So take them to him!"

"What?!" Melia outcries. "Why don't you have guards, or a kindly older brother to ferry all of your demands onto?"

She gives the girl a blank stare. Her bug eyes glaze over. "What are you, you little homewrecker?"

"Oh my." Fiora gasps a little and covers her mouth, suddenly nervous.

Riki shrilly shrieks. "Melly like ghost boy, mmmmm Fiora don't like Melly, Melly and Fiora fight a whole ton over ghost boy!"

"S-shut up!" Melia tries to grab Riki, but he only cackles in a tiny childlike voice, as if he's a toddler who just stole a cookie and thinks he's getting away with it. Or, in this case, a biscuit.

Fiora mutters something, groans, and tries again. "Okay, Marcia, what are these biscuits for? Any special occasion…?" she asks, trying to prompt a response.

"My son—ermmm, grandson!—is fighting my other grandson soon! I bet money on him!" Marcia says, running her tongue across her lips. Suddenly, without warning, she pulls out a stack of bills from her pocket and _fwips_ through them. " _Money_!"

The girl goes pale. "W-why just the one grandson? Why not the other one?"

"Because he's my blood, see?!" Suddenly, without warning, she pulls out a dagger and _slices_ into her arm. Blood explodes from the wound, and Fiora screams. " _Blood_! The other guy is just a," As the sweet, kindly, respectable old lady drops the effenheimer, just about every parent in the Commercial District grabs their children and covers their ears. "nopon."

Riki utters a screeching noise. "What?! Homhom lady hate nopon, WHY HOMHOM LADY HATE NOPON?! THIS IS A DISGRACE TO RIKI! HOMHOM LADY SHOULD BE FED TO DINO-BEAST!"

Melia grabs him as he squirms and kicks out his super tiny legs. "How could you?! How could you deny your own grandchild of the same love you give the other one?! I call that what high entia do every day to their second consorts!"

"Wait, what does Melly mean?" Riki asks.

Once again, Fiora tries to ignore the group and focus on the task at hand—Marcia's biscuits. "Umhm… And why are you favoring one child over the other?"

"Did that stab in the gut give you nothing, girl?! You clearly don't understand life! You dote on who can extend your bloodline!"

"Seriously?!"

Marcia shoves them off. "Go, go! Go before they get stale!"

"But we gotta wait until it's dark anyway—"

"GO!"

* * *

The trio wait impatiently on the bench in front of Dionysis' place as dusk settles. As the clock ticks and the night falls, Jiroque finally makes his appearance…and starts punching a tree.

"Annnnnd _pow_! There goes Zukazu's big ugly mug, haha! Ooooooo _pew_! And the nuts! _Ka-chow_! Ah man, if only memaw could see me now! She'd be so proud of me!"

They stare, semi-disgusted and semi-too-numb-to-think-of-anything. Then Fiora stands and shoulders the basket, exhaling as she does so. With a confident stride and a straight back, she approaches Jiroque and nearly gets kicked in the face. " _Hey_!" she admonishes.

He stutters and lowers his leg. "Whoa, I'm sorry, lady. I thought, for just a moment, that you were my brother." With a stupid grin, he begins to turn around, only to get Fiora's knee in his crotch. "AAAAAaaaaaAaaaaaaaAaaaaAAAAAa! AA, AAA, AHHHHH!"

Jiroque collapses.

"Marcia wanted us to give these to you." She drops the basket at the man's pathetically curled up figure. "I hope your nopon brethren beats the Zanza outta you, you _Mumkhar_."

And with that delivery, she rejoins Melia and Riki, and the three strut off together.

* * *

"So, did you give Jiroque his precious, warm biscuits?" Marcia squints at Fiora, then prods at her abdomen. "Did you eat them? Buncha tramps." Scoffing, she briefly turns around. Suddenly, without warning, she pulls out a pair of swimming sandals and _throws_ them at Riki. "I guess you did, I gotta new status update with my son! Ermmmm, granddaughter." Shaking her head, she hobbles off. "This won't be the last you hear from me!" The way she says this was as if she were some big, bad villain running away, defeated by the hero.

The boys—and Sharla—approach from the Commercial District entrance. Xord flashes a grin. "So! Get things all done here?"

Fiora merely shakes her head and walks off. "We're done here. We are so, so done here."

* * *

 **And now it's Reyn time for… Remarks from Reyn.**

Reyn glances at the chapter above. He scowls, deep lines creasing his face. "Oi! What's the big deal, making that sweet old lady into a nutter! I bet in this fic she's even freaking betrothed to Zanza, for Reyn sakes! And what's this about shoving us boys to the side?!"

 **"** **Well, I—"**

"No 'I' me, there, eagleflame!"

 **"** **Sharla was thrown in with you!"**

"Ha! If Sharla didn't have boobs she'd be practically a man, the way she takes control of situations! B-but then she reminds me that she's a woman." He flushes hot and rubs the back of his head. "It's quite a bit distracting, actually, I try talking to her and its just there, like, always, and then she snaps at me 'cause I ain't paying attention!"

 **"** **I—"**

" _Don't_! So about this chapter." The boy moves his hands behind his back and begins to pace. A glare is flashed my way. "It starts out clunky. Melia doesn't speak Spanish—what even is Spanish, exactly?—and Désirée is never out at 9, making the whole plot arc of Xord and Désirée's conflicts to be moot and, if I may say so myself, rather pointless and dumb." Reyn delivers this speech with great care, inflicting his words as if attempting to mimic a noble high entia statesman.

 **I shrug. "It's a glitch, what can I say?"**

"There is no glitch! The glitch does not exist, you…

 **"** **There is no spoon."**

"…you Deus ex Machina lover!"

 **"** **Gasp. How on this good Mechonis did you know?"**

Meyneth pops into existence next to Reyn and pops her thumbs up. Exclaiming total nonsense, he stumbles backward, and she chuckles weakly. "Whattttttttttt? What, what, that just didn't happen. Yeah, nope." With a blink of the eye, she disappears again, leaving Reyn and the author in total silence.

"What just…happened…" Shaking his head hard, he tries to continue. "Melia can't walk in stilettos— _why the Zanza does Dunban even have stilettos_?!—but she can sprint marathons in them with no problem, what, is she going to run from a giant Deinos Sauros next without her heel breaking _whatsoever_?!" Reyn's voice escalates to a scream.

 **"** **Dude, why do you even know that reference?"**

"Why?! Because I knew I'd use it! Because Fiora played that freaking movie for us just to prove that going on a journey WAS A BAD IDEA! We were ten, I still have nightmares!"

 **"** **That movie did not come out eight years ago. Why are we even arguing about movies, which, if I were to name, by the way, would result in a crossover, WHICH WE WILL NOT HAVE!"**

"I am done with you!"

 **"** **And I with you!"**

Beat.

 **"** **Eh. What's next on your list?"**

"Ooh! You really wanna know?!" Reyn gasps in excitement and whips out his notebook. Little scribbles mark practically every page. I lean in closer to see. "I've been making notes on every chapter to date!"

 **"** **Wait, you've been what?! Reyn, give that to me!** ** _Reyn_** **!"**

The boy's voice fades as he runs off. "No way on Bionis, eagleflame! I WILL BE THE RUINATION OF YOUR FANFICTION!"

 **My head falls to my hands. "Oh Meyneth, I've created a monster."**


	21. TMI

When we last left our heroes, they had just come back from tolerating Marcia and her biscuits and are returning to their journey. As they enter Makna Forest yet again, its wildlife comes back to life, as if time froze while they took a quest break. How strange. But that can't be it, right?

Zanza groans and watches as the Arachno Queen, with about eight other Bionis nits on her hairy backside, swings into the stifling jungle of Makna.

 **"** **Seriously, they had to take a quest break? Time is of the essence,** ** _and you just take a quest break_** **?!"**

Meanwhile, deep within the halls of Central Factory, Vanea stops to observe Shulk shouting at an oil slick.

 **"** **This is UNACCEPTABLE!"** he screams, snapping his fingers. Time returns to the area. **"I shouldn't have to cater to their whims!"**

"U-um," She rattles a steaming bag. Shulk pauses, blinks in confusion, and turns around. His sheepish expression quickly turns a shade to match his magenta Core Unit armor. "I have popcorn?"

"Oh! Vanea, when did you get here?"

Laughing nervously, she heads over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. _I still can never get used to that. It's like when Fiora and I enjoy some Bunniv tea together with a chick flick and Meyneth suddenly cuts in to yuk at a cheesy pass. It probably wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have that snort whenever she laughs._ She straightens her shoulders. _Probably._ "Just now, I swear."

He gives her a blank stare. "You swear it, huh?"

"I-I do, really!"

The Boy Wonder suddenly screams and backs away.

 _"_ _Well, Shulk," Fiora smiles and looks up at the sunrise. "someday I'd like to marry someone. Get out, see the world. You know, that thing." Tightening her lips in pleasure, she continues to stare, content, at that clementine in the sky._

 _"_ _Eh? Oh, well, if marriage is your sort of style, I can always reprogram a M85 for you." His eyes suddenly glitter with stirring excitement, excitement that he has never felt since being told that he'll be going on an adventure to Ose Tower. "I'll call him, REYN—oh, oh, wait, no, that's not quite right…"_

 _"_ _Not Reyn, silly!" she replies, slapping his thigh. "He's such a kidder~," she thinks to herself. Fiora abruptly stiffens and curls her mouth into a disgusting smile. Beneath her fingers, raw muscle burns beneath. "Ah, ahhummm, definitely not Reyn."_

 _"_ _What? No, that's not what I meant, Fiora, weren't you paying any attention?" Shulk admonishes. "I was saying—AHH! GET YOUR HAND OFF ME!"_

 _"_ _WHAT?!" the girl nervously says. "S-Shulk, you're just feeling those bugs again, clearly that prank Reyn played on you was not funny!"_

 _He shrugs, then shudders. "Yeah, that has to be it… I'll have to tell my therapist about the incident later."_

 _She touches his hand. He jumps about three meters. "Um, Shulk?"_

 _"_ _Yes, what is it, Fiora, I'm cold and I'm tired, I wanna go home!"_

 _"_ _You sound like a child!" she snaps back._

 _"_ _You were the one to have that fight with Dunban!"_

 _"_ _Well, I want to marry you!"_

 _"_ _Okay!"_

"Well I don't!" Shulk blurts out hotly. Vanea blinks at him, always dumbfounded at that boy's penchant for hasty generalization. Then she shrugs and again rattles the bag. The rich scent of popcorn burns in Shulk's nostrils. "Wait, is that popcorn?"

"Yeah. Me and the girls were wondering if you wanted to catch a movie at Agniratha with us or anything."

He narrows his eyes. "Is it a chick flick?"

"We were thinking of _The Running Man_ , so…no?"

Shulk throws himself to his feet. " _Twilight_ , and we are closed!"

She stammers. "Okay?"

"Okay!"

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Makna Forest…

With a grunt, the Arachno Queen flings thread from her drooling mouth, forcing her body against the mildewy breezes of Makna Forest for one last push toward the landmass in the distance.

"Ah, the Bionis' Left Shoulder…" Dunban sighs.

Xord glances his way and smirks. "Don't you mean the Bionis' Shoulder?"

"No! The Bionis' _Left_ Shoulder, it says so in the Japanese version's code!"

"The Bionis' Leg isn't called the Bionis' Left Thigh!"

"You wish it were!"

As she lands, the two men grunt and nearly fall on top of each other.

Dunban snarls and shoves Xord off of him. " _Left Shoulder_!"

" _It's just a fuzzen' shoulder_!"

A silent calm around her, Fiora slaps both upside the head. "I'm calling it the Left Shoulder."

Shulk screws up his nose as he goes to stand from the ground. Before he could speak, however ("Consistency does dictate that it should be called the—"), he bites back a scream as her boot goes into his face.

"Left. Shoulder."

"Okay!"

Dunban stretches and sighs in pure content. "Ahh, my childhood second home… It was before you were born, Fiora. Me and my parents would travel here all the time to see my memaw!"

"Wait, really?" Fiora looks at him blankly. Shulk nudges her, and Reyn mutters under his breath, slapping his face hard—he knew that having Alvis stand in for his friends would dig him into a hole that's a bit too deep for him to climb out.

"Well, of course you wouldn't understand!" Dunban begins walking forward. "We stopped taking the trips down after Mom died having you—"

Fiora blanches, and Reyn begins muttering to himself now, rubbing his arms furiously as he lifts his eyes to the sky.

"—and Dad slipped into a coma after the Battle for Colony 3…"

Shulk turns away, shaking. Then he outright disappears.

"Aw no, no, no, no, no, no… Aw, why did I have Alvis do this…?" Reyn says.

"Aw no, no, no, no, no, no… Aw, why did I let Reyn do this…?" Fiora says.

"Then Mewmaw was killed when the Bionis' Left Shoulder was dummied out from the game—"

"NOooOOOooOOOOOOoooOoooOOoOOOoo!" Fiora pops into Alvis and throws his hands onto his hips as he, mustering the angriest expression he could, sticks his face at Reyn. Reyn stumbles backward. "Seriously?! Seriously, you have me do this role to take over the lives of your dead friends just to throw me here with this _crazy lunatic_!"

Dunban stops talking and blinks dumbly. "Wha-what's going on?"

Alvis tosses his silver hair back like a teenage girl on PMS. "What's going on is that I quit!"

"What?!" Reyn gasps. "But you can't! We've fooled everyone so far! E-even _Melia_!"

She stares, shock-jaw at Alvis. "Alvis?!"

He covers his mouth, face flushing a deep red. "Wh-wha…" Then he shakes his head hard. "Lady Melia!"

"My seer!"

"My liege!"

"My steamy bedroom dreams!"

"My _sister_!" They all turn to Dunban, who's completely gone pale. Xord only cackles, only for the Arachno Queen to kick him where the sun doesn't shine.

As he collapses into a twitching ball, Riki turns from watching Xord suffer to tugging on Dunban's pants leg. Sharla grabs him, her expression pulling into a deep frown. "Why Dundun upset? Riki knew all along Fiora was dead!" he says joyously.

Alvis purses his lips, then slinks behind a dumbfounded Melia. "I did not do anything. Blame Reyn!"

"Me?!"

"Melia," Alvis begins, flopping over her thin shoulders. "I want to go home now."

Melia reaches behind her to pet his head. "Aw, you poor baby… You go home to Daddy, now."

"Thank you, Melia. By the way, your life is gonna suck. Cheers!"

He disappears, leaving the rest of the group in silence.

Dunban turns to Reyn. "You're telling me that my baby sister died in the attack on Colony 9?"

"Um…" Reyn glances away.

"Oh. Oh well, can't be helped, I played _Xenoblade Chronicles_ , suckers. Besides, I totally won that game of War against Dionysis!" Dunban begins to stride off. "Oh, by the way, he now really needs that Medicinal Brog Oil." He shrugs, as if he had absolutely nothing to do with that. "Now who wants to see Memaw's house!"

"Um… You don't care that…"

"I care, I just expected it. You should have listened to Shulk some more!"

Sharla puts a hand on Reyn's shoulder as he whines out a pathetic whimper, his eyes large. "You alright, big guy? I'll be there to patch up that big ol' hole in your heart," she says, wriggling a finger on his sternum.

"Ooooooh! Riki want hugs, too!"

" _I ain't takin' about hugs, old man_!"

"Ooh, Riki understand."

Reyn simply pats her hand and snivels. "After we're married."

"Okay." Meanwhile, in Sharla's Dead (Emotion Center) Heart:

 **"** **Oh my gosh, we're getting married!" screams Joy.**

 **"** **Squeeeeeal! I thought my life was over after Gadolt dumped me for that tramp Mechonis, but it turns out that Reyn is the perfect Gadolt-bounceback-boyfriend!" Disgust pumps her fists and shakes Sadness numerous times. Blinking out of her stupor, Sadness moves away from the Emotion Controls and back into her little Circle of Sadness. She simply watches as Joy takes the controls.**

 **"** **I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS!"**

 **"** **OH YEAH! REYN ISLAND, HERE WE COME!"**

Her heart hums back to life.

* * *

"Okay…" The gaggle of Bionis creatures stop like a tour group as Dunban gestures to a misshapen grey house. "This was my grammy's house!"

"Awww…" Melia croons.

"Or was it this house…?"

She blusters out a sigh.

"Anyways—" Dunban abruptly stops as he sniffs the air. The top of his nose pulls up. "Ew. What is that stink?" The smell permeating around them was reminiscent of a lot of things to the group: Dickson's rotting toenail fungi, those 1,000-year-old eggs still buried somewhere around Kenny Rohan's house as a prank, Bunniv meat when not cooked properly, and Rainbow Zirconias. They smell worse than you think. Reyn enjoys likening it to a cross between blood and bile. He doesn't want to double-check that assessment.

Reyn frowns, cocks his head, and glances around. Then he brightens. "Oi! Lookit there!"

The group follows to where he points, and Xord hastily lowers his arm—a feeble attempt to locate the source of his rank smell. "Not me!" he blurts out.

"What are you talking about?" Reyn asks him. Xord stammers something, then shrugs his massive shoulders.

"That pretty waterfall in the distance!" Melia hums.

"The Telethia perched on the mountainface!" the Arachno Queen points out.

"Reyn's censor box!" The girls all turn to stare at Sharla. She only blushes. "What? I saw it, you saw it, we all had to see it back in Makna! Defense Force accident, huh?"

"Xord's Azura tattoo!" Dunban shouts, gesturing wildly at the side of Xord's neck.

The blacksmith squeals and grabs at it, trying to hide the ink. "The ocean's grey waves!" is all he manages to get out. "Uh—"

"Scary skeletons~," Riki says with a dance.

The faux-Monado Boy waves them all off. "Nope! Dark caves, come on, everyone!"

They all grumble and groan as they drag themselves after the overeager boy. "That's so boring!" Dunban belts. He glances Xord's way. "Hey, you have a Elma one?"

"Pfft, and have Egil string me up by my Schwartz? You know how he is about that game."

"Um, no, I don't, actually. What about a KOS-MOS one?!"

"Oh!" he replies excitedly. "If I did Elma, I would have lost her and T-ELOS!"

Sharla rushes ahead of them, where the Arachno Queen protectively covers both her and Melia. "We're still doing Reyn on my back, right?" Sharla asks her as she looks up into the Queen's beady red eyes.

"Well, of course!"

"What about Shulk?!" Melia gasps.

The girls all grin as the Arachno Queen, aka, the Wannabe Tattoo Artist of Tephra Cave, holds up two of her legs. "I have plenty of ink."

* * *

 **And now it's time for a very special episode of… Predictions with Paola! In hype for E3, Paola snuck out of the house to watch the second trailer for** ** _Xenoblade 2_** **at Narine's—and had some revelations. While Narine would rather play and fight about the better man, Paola instead sits musing over the plot twists of the trailer. Well, at least Giorgio is happy she's not begging him to come and play.**

Paola clears her throat as Narine groans, rolling her eyes. "Well, come on, I wanna play!"

"No way! Just wait!" she replies with a huff.

"The game looks sooo lame," Narine whines. "Why do you even bother with it, Takahashi-san said himself it's just another spiritual successor."

"I liked _Xenoblade X_!" her friend shoots back.

"Yeah, and your dad nearly came out of his skin when he saw you playing it!"

"It's not my fault I was bored. Anyway, will you stop complaining if we play after I figure this out?"

"Fine, fine."

"Mm-'kay," The little girl begins to pace the room. "so this _Torna_ group is probably guarding Asylum—

Narine snaps, "Elysium!"

"Elysium, right, and that's because Elysium has been a forbidden place to go to after something bad happens! And the Architect lives there, alone and super lonely after this! He could be Shulk, or Alvis! I bet Elysium used to be where everyone lived (maybe it's even the remains of the Bionis!) with the Architect until that bad thing happens, then they all ran away to the titans and adapted to their new environments because the titans probably were just there and big enough to live on~."

Eyes wide, Narine stares at her. "Why would Shulk be the Architect if he refused to be a god? And besides, why would they be in this game, anyways?"

Paola waves her off. "Rex and the Nia girl are probably wanted in the (probably a) starter town after Nia finds Rex or Rex finds Nia and it's true love and—"

"He's with Pyra, okay?! She is the far better girl for him, Nia doesn't have the assets she has!"

"She doesn't need assets!" Paola screams back.

"I bet Rex prefers them in his women!"

The friend sits down, sobered. "S-so he wouldn't want u-us…? GAH, why do I play Shulk's video game stash?!"

Narine begins to cry. "Keep going," she manages out.

"Um, so basically they find each other and Rex explains his situation and Nia agrees because her CUTIE PIE Blade wants to be free too—I bet once they reach Elysium they're free and they're actually real creatures bonded as a Blade and once they get there they're back to normal! But then other Drivers who want to keep their Blades as weapons and not as people and cute animals fight against them and alert Torna, who runs the Driver-Blade conglomerate!"

"Now you're reaching."

"So then—so then, they get the help of other Drivers with the same goals of freeing their Blades! Like that super cutie-pie nopon and his epic Blade, pow pow!" She makes faux-fighting noises as she duels an invisible foe in front of her. "But then it turns out that the reason why Torna wants to keep the Blades as Blades is because the Blades are people and creatures that were locked as a Blade because of some crime, and-or because they were the original members of Elysium!"

"Whoaaa!" Narine's mouth gapes open.

"What if the reason why the scary guys taunt Rex is because Pyra is actually this big bad villain, or, OHHH, what if she's the final enemy, Narine, Narine, what if she's the bad guy in the end?! Or what if the Architect has been CONSUMED BY HIS BITTERNESS AND SADNESS and turned evil like Zanza did! What if Pyra—that tramp!—works for him and that's why she wants to get back; then once she's free she has to make a choice between her loyalties to him or her loyalties to Rex! I bet HE'S the final boss! I bet they're both the final boss!"

"They wouldn't do that!" the girl scoffs. But then she pauses and frowns. "Wait, what if Pyra's just using Rex and she slowly began to fall in love with him…? Takahashi-san did say he wanted to make a boy-meets-girl story…"

Totally ignoring her friend's comment, Paola squeals, "But then, if they did, then Rex and Nia can be together forever!"

"You have a ship already?!"

"Rex x Nia, Rex x Nia!" she chants. "EEE, I AM SO HYPED RIGHT NOW!"

Narine nearly comes out of her skin.

 **Self-insert predictions.**


	22. Lorithia's Noirian Dance

When we last left our heroes, Alvis quit his job as Shulk-Fiora combo platter-slash-Melia's steamy bedroom dreams and left for Alcamoth. Dunban brings up facts about his past that no one really wanted to hear, and the group finds out the terrible truth…that Xord has tattoos of a game banned in Colonys 1-9. As they press on! a surprise from the Mechonis heads out to intercept…

A low laugh chuckles in the darkness. The space around the man glows a rusted orange as he activates the controls, and the light, as dim as it is, still illuminates his twisted smile.

"Hello, Blemishes~," he says with a humored grin. "Don't know why Fiora got Face Nemesis, but I guess Face Blemishes is honest and reflective of lif—" The man stops, pauses, then inhales sharply as he plants a fist into the machine's hull. "SON OF A DICKSON, VANEA! It's not my fault my acne kicked up after you messed with my body! You were laughing the whole time you showed me this!" he whines. **"I am Zanza, I do not deserve FACE BLEMISHES! THAT WAS MY NICKNAME IN NINTH GRADE!"**

As he peels out of Central Factory, he can just _hear_ Vanea's giggle.

"Oh, Meyneth told me _everything_."

* * *

 _"_ _Hey, Klaus, right?"_

 _He looks up. Brushes aside his bushy blond hair. Blinks once, then twice at the pale hand stretched out toward him. "What?" he utters. He quietly pushes aside his planner, covered with little doodles. "Umhm, who are you, exactly?"_

 _"_ _I'm Meyneth!" she says joyously. "We're going to be partners for our lab assignment!"_

 _"_ _And I've never seen you before in my life," Klaus replies. "What kind of a name is Meyneth, anyway?"_

 _"_ _You're one to talk,_ Klaus _! What are you suppose to be, like, Santa Claus or something?"_

 _"_ _N-No!" The boy's face flushes hot. "That crap's for kids."_

 _Meyneth looks at him flatly. "You're 12."_

 _Klaus goes to say something, then closes his mouth. He grunts. "What's this lab we're suppose to do?"_

 _"_ _Ooooooo, can I see your pretty planner?" Before he could respond, his fellow high school freshman grabs at it. She_ fwips _through its pages, then purses her mouth and nods. "Great job, kid, you succeeded in drawing blobs. No-pon," she says, setting it back down._

 _"_ _I hate that saying," he only grumps in reply. "What's it even mean, anyway?"_

 _From across the classroom, a burly boy with perpetually-purple skin shouts back, "It means you suck, Face Blemishes!"_

 _"_ _Shut up, Arglas!" Klaus snarls back. The teen, who Klaus swears lives in that theatre department, only smirks back and runs his hand down his wild beard, bleached white. He scratches at the plum paint staining his skin—a leftover from last month's production of_ The Little Mermaid _._

 _"_ _You like physics, Klaus?"_

 _Klaus looks up, smiles a bit at Meyneth. "Yes, why do you ask?"_

 _She pushes over his planner and points to one drawing in particular. His smile grows wider at that one; it's his dream form, complete with pretty wings and an outfit to make even the most hardened female blush! No one can resist the hormone-crushing power of exposed, toned thighs! "Because physics says you can't fly."_

 _"_ _OOOOO!" Arglas booms._

 _"_ _OH_ BIONIS _, WON'T YOU SHUT UP?!" Klaus screams, using one of his favorite catchphrases from his stories. Of course, if flies past the heads of everyone else in the room, and he's been referred to a counselor several times for using it, but he's grown not to care. "Geez, maybe I outta stick a drawing of you naked in this chick's locker!"_

 _Meyneth's face grows red, and Arglas says absolutely nothing at first. Then: "Dude, that's just…weird."_

 _"_ _Why not! I'ma gonna stick that big purple heinie of yours in Lori's locker!"_

 _A teenager in a center table jumps and scowls at Klaus. "Stick it in yours, maybe." Snorting, she adjusts her low-cut shirt and exhales through her mouth. "Freaking Zanza… Use my roleplay name, okay?! It's Lorithia! Lori_ thia _!"_

 _"_ _Sorry, forgot," Klaus says, waving her off. "You still want…'headwings'…?" He flicks through the planner and, once his searching blue eyes land upon the drawing he was looking for, begins scribbling again._

 _"_ _Well, of course, wings are awesome!"_

 _"_ _That's what I said!"_

 _"_ _Are you adding them, Zanza?"_

 _"_ _Big and beautiful!"_

 _"_ _Buncha freaks," Meyneth says, walking away. "You do know we have to make up our lab tomorrow morning now, right?"_

 _"_ _Don't care." As the bell rings, Klaus does one final flourish on the sketch and stands. "Come on, Lorithia, Dickson awaits!"_

 _Lori strides up to the boy's side as they head out. "So what will Richard look like?"_

 _"_ _Who?"_

 _"_ _Dickson," she replies. "I think he's getting sick of our roleplay."_

 _"_ _Oh, yeah, good ol' Dick." Klaus stifles back laughter. "Why would anyone name him_ Dick _?"_

* * *

"Why would anyone name you _Dick_?" Shulk once asked Dickson on a day when school was closed due to an outbreak of the Mad Mechonis Flu. The child was bored and got into Dickson's secret letter stash.

"Eh— S-Shulk, maybe you shouldn't read those," he stammered.

"'Dear Dick,'" he read slowly, so proud of his newfound love of books ever since Dionysis taught him that words were cool when Shulk came to him crying and beat up. "'From the day I first met you in'…" He pauses. "…'chemistry class, I felt an affinity for you, and in my freshman haze, I fell for you hook, line, and SINKER. Ha. Ha, you get it? Come to think of it, I really don't, either. Anyway, just wondering how the kid's holding up.'" Shulk stopped reading, and a big grin grew on his face. "That's me! 'Has Zanza done anything yet? Try waving the Monado in his face, that should do it. Imagine a child resetting the world, hahaaa! We'd go down in history, all right, best parents EVAR!'" Dickson put his face in his hands, and Shulk looked up at him. "What does 'EVAR' mean, Dickson?" he asked, enunciating the word the same way he read it the first time: "Eh-VAR!"

He shrugged. "Not my fault you're not being taught proper slang in that school of yours." While he kept a mask of mystery on his face, Dickson, on the inside, was giggling that Shulk asks _that_ of all questions.

"Okay," Shulk replied. "'Lots of love, x-o-x-o, heart, heart, giggle face, griffin, poop, Lorithia.'" He busted up laughing. "Poop Lorithia! Hahahahahahahaha!"

At the childlike chortles, Dickson's mouth twitched as he felt his face go flame-red. "Ah, okay, now gimme the letter—"

"Oh, there's more!"

"There's more?!" Dickson replied.

"'P.S. I attached a picture of'…" Shulk squinted. "…'my new shirt. It has a cage over my'—"

The homs snatched the piece of paper from the boy's surprised hands.

He slowly nodded as he turned the letter around. He smirked at the picture taped to the back.

Oh, that Lori.

* * *

Oddly enough, this is what Shulk thought of as he left for Eryth Sea. Maybe it was because Lorithia hailed from that place. Maybe it was because Prison Island was there. Or maybe it was because he slipped a peek at the back of Dickson's letter after he had gone to bed and has never been able to get it out of his nightmares since.

Either way, it was a place he had to go to, and _boy_ , was he not looking forward to it.

" _If you hurry up, Shulk, we can watch Breaking Juju: Part V before Fiora has to go with the super obviously evil guy to the super obviously a trap place, that Prison Island_ ," Vanea says, cutting in on his comm.

Shulk blinks, snaps out of his stupor, and replies with a, "Eh, not my favorite. It just got weird with the CGI Juju offspring."

As if remembering, Vanea quickly says, " _Take your time_ ," before cutting out.

"No, no, wait!"

But it was too late.

Shulk groans. He would much rather watch Juju than Lorithia's belly dances. Those are pretty cruel to witness.

"Please come back…"

* * *

"Embrace the dark~"

"WHOOO XD!"

"You call a home…"

"WHOOO XD!" the High Entia guards boom out.

"Gay upon an empty white throa-o-onnnnn, a legacy of pies, an eternal despise…"

"WHOO—" The chorus shuts up as a long finger is pointed their way.

Sorean scowls down at them. "Hogard, Donnis, Galdo, Galvin, what are you doing?!"

"S-Sir?" one asks.

"WHOOO XD!" Galdo says with a chuckle. He ducks down, still laughing. "Lorithia wanted us to help her practice for the coronation of the princess." Lorithia crosses her arms and sniffs.

His scowl deepens. "With lyrics like those?! You know that that game's banned in the Homs colonies, you just made the entire thing even worse!"

"Well, we can't use the original lyrics, those are copywrited!" Hogard protests.

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?! WHY AREN'T YOU WITH THE PRINCESS?!"

"She hogged all the attention," he whines.

Donnis blinks, pain written all over his face, as he turns to the High Entia. "Um, dude? You alright, man? I mean, we did collect four bodies, right?" He expectantly pivots to the others, who all nod swiftly in turn. "Um, what I mean to say is—help me out here, guys!"

"You gotta move on," Galdo says, pointing up.

"Move on? From what, the fact that Melia swore in my face?! That she refuses to give me a promotion?!"

At the confused mumbles of the imperial guards—"Um, think of yourself like a…a Takumi, yeah…" "That sounds right."—Sorean says, "YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE DEAD!"

Hogard bursts into tears.

"Besides," Sorean shouts, gesturing wildly with his hands. "NOW THE ENTIRE PALACE IS COMPROMISED! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCHA SLACKERS!"

Galvin screams a groan out. "But it's so boring to guard something that'll never be attacked!"

"IT'LL BE ATTACKED BY YOUR BEST FRIENDS, I GUARANTEE IT!"

"Do you know something we don't, sir—?"

"WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING STATELY?! YOU IMMATURE CREATURES! YOU TELETHIA!"

Galvin's groans of increasing discomfort continue.

"I'll just…go and see that the Ministry's still running smoothly in my absence…" Lorithia says, slipping away.

"Great, you do that," Sorean says, waving a hand, "that _is_ why we don't question your seeming immortality, Lorithia. We seriously cannot function without you."

"Sing with me a song of bad plots and Tate~…" Lorithia sings. Her voice grows distant as she strides out of the room.

"WHOOO XD!"

 **If only there was a Breaking Juju: Part V. I'd ask how that plot would go, or whom Juju married, but then that could get weird. So please, tell me, what would that movie be about? Keep it Teen. If there's one (or more) in particular that I like, I may make a spoof of** ** _Twilight_** **based on it and give you credit!**

 **Guest: You and me both. ;) Thank you for the review and your honesty, and I'm glad you enjoy the story! :)**

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: Well, I had to get rid of Alvis in some way, and having him look like Fiora just made the whole thing funnier. He needed to get back to Alcamoth for…plot reasons, and getting rid of two characters with one stone just made everything easier to write—but that meant that this chapter really needed Shulk now, so here he is, much to his chagrin.**

* * *

 **And now, introducing the dummied-out scraps of the Bionis' Left Shoulder! In an ironic twist, this isn't the first version of this chapter that I had written. The first version continues their journey in the Shoulder, but wasn't as funny. It had its moments, sure, but it just didn't make the cut. Like the Bionis' Left Shoulder. So in the spirit of The Cutting Room Floor (great site by the way, feel free to check it out), this is…the original Chapter 22.**

 **Now Klaus Free.**

When we last left our heroes, Alvis quit his job as Shulk-Fiora combo platter-slash-Melia's steamy bedroom dreams and left for Alcamoth. Dunban brings up facts about his past that no one really wanted to hear, and the group finds out the terrible truth…that Xord has tattoos of Azura? As they press on! they encounter a new friend of homs origins…or is he a foe of the Mechonis? Augh, gah, which is it?! I can't tell anymore!

A low laugh chuckles in the darkness. The space around the man glows a rusted orange as he activates the controls, and the light, as dim as it is, still illuminates his twisted smile.

"Hello, Blemishes~," he says with a humored grin. "Don't know why Fiora got Face Nemesis, but I guess Face Blemishes is honest and reflective of lif—" The man stops, pauses, then inhales sharply as he plants a fist into the machine's hull. "SON OF A DICKSON, VANEA! It's not my fault my acne kicked up after you messed with my body! You were laughing the whole time you showed me this!" he whines. **"I am Zanza, I do not deserve FACE BLEMISHES! THAT WAS MY NICKNAME IN NINTH GRADE!"**

As he peels out of Central Factory, he can just _hear_ Vanea's giggle.

"Oh, Meyneth told me _everything_."

* * *

Dunban groans as he lowers the flask from his cracked lips. "We've been here two hours!" he fusses, darting a tongue out to lick the flask's rim. The pink, saliva-coated muscle drags and squeaks against the glass. Sharla, as she watches this horrific sight, shudders.

As they plod on through tall wheat fields reminiscent of Colony 6 and dank caves reminiscent of dummied-out game scraps, their footsteps—and Dunban's squeaking—are the only things the group can hear.

It's dead silent.

Everywhere.

And it's downright creepy.

"What is this place, exactly?" Sharla asks to no one in particular but the cave ceiling. "I mean, sure, it has scary-dark caverns and primitive houses, and the whole thing looks like it was made just to show Nintendo what one of Xenoblade's game maps would look like, but seriously—there are chests here," she abruptly says as she stops to stare at a shiny little red chest at her feet.

"Oh my Bionis, a chest! Who did we kill?" Reyn asks a bit too cheerfully.

The entire group merely looks away. Xord prods at it before yanking on the lid. "Nope, it's stuck."

Melia cocks her head, a smile dawning on her pale face. "Would a belly dance make it open?"

"What?!" Sharla practically spews out a spray of saliva onto Xord, crouching next to her as he's still trying to open the chest.

"What, I've seen Lorithia do it all the time! She just belly dances, and she can make anything open. I try it and people give me weird looks."

"Please, don't even start."

From the cliff face next to the cavern branch—leading to that small patch of the good ol' outdoors where the Bionis collective discovered the pathetic chest—Face Blemishes clings to the rock surface. From deep within its inner mechanisms, Shulk watches on his viewscreen as the group begins to smash the chest open. A pang stabs into his heart as he sees his childhood hero Dunban turn to drinking again.

He hasn't seen that flask in years.

The last time was when Dickson threw it at Dunban for calling him an "old sport."

 _"_ _OOooooooOOOoold sPUH!ort!"_

He cringes at just the thought.

And then his blood turns cold as Xord stands up. Those rippling muscles that waver in the breeze…those mighty hands that look as if he could crush Fragile Bunniv Shulk in one slap on the back…and _those eyes_. The eyes of a cold, calculating—

 _"_ _D-Désirée! Um, fancy meeting you here, I um…" Shulk shifts his position at the door._

 _"_ _It is my house, Shulk," the pretty young woman replies._

 _"_ _Um, look, I was just wondering…"_

 _"_ _Yes?" Hope begins to burn in her gaze as she fiercely stares at Shulk._

 _"_ _Will you go out with me for prom?"_

 _"_ _Ye—!"_

 _A booming voice roars from inside the house. Désirée cringes. "YOU LITTLE PUNK! GET OUTTA MY 'OUSE, NO MERE WEAPONS BUILDER CAN 'AVE MY DAUGHTER!"_

 _"_ _But you're a_ blacksmith _!"_

—father.

" _If you hurry up, Shulk, we can watch Breaking Juju: Part V before Fiora has to go with the super obviously evil guy to the super obviously a trap place, that Prison Island_ ," Vanea says, cutting in on his comm.

Shulk blinks, snaps out of his stupor, and replies with a, "Eh, not my favorite. It just got weird with the CGI Juju offspring."

As if remembering, Vanea quickly says, " _Take your time_ ," before cutting out.

With a shrug, Shulk eases Face Blemishes down the cliff face—only to slip and fall onto the little red chest, smashing it into thousands of rotted shards. The Monado Boy grunts at the impact. "I hope Xord was under there."

"Oh my Bionis!" Reyn shouts, grabbing Sharla and stumbling away from the wreckage. Xord only blinks and stares, the machine barely grazing him, then lets loose a belly laugh as the Arachno Queen pries the hatch open. Shulk screams and hides his face as bright sunlight floods into the once-dark chamber. "OH MY BIONIS!" Reyn repeats. "THERE'S A HOMS INSIDE THAT MECHON!"

"You knew that!" Xord replies.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about you!"

He slaps his face.

"It's Dino-Beast!" Riki shrieks, whipping out the Biter on his back.

Melia grabs him before he could attack with the ferociousness of a diminutive man-child. "How is that a Telethia?!"

"Eh, Riki no longer care." Leaping from the girl's arms, the round nopon begins smacking Shulk with the Biter!

"Oh, ow, ow, whattaya doing?! **Don't you now who I am?!** Why is a nopon attacking me?!"

"That's Heropon Riki to you, evil Dino-Beast, Riki will protect Melly, Riki is Heropon!"

"Enough!" Sharla snaps, grazing Riki with a well-aimed shot. The nopon yips and hops around on his super tiny feet as he tries to put out the fire on his tail. "Oh, wow, I didn't know your fur was flammable. Does anyone have anything wet to put it out?"

"AIIIIIIIIII!"

"Dunban has his alcohol!" Melia says eagerly.

Dunban stops licking the rim of his flask and hangs his head like a wounded baby bunniv. "All gone," he says in a childlike tone.

The Arachno Queen coughs something out that's reminiscent of, "Do you _want_ to kill the nopon?"

"Yes!" Reyn replies.

" _AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_!"

Melia hits up upside the head. "What? I didn't say I had common sense!"

Reyn suddenly blinks, as if he's just emerged from a stupor. "Oi, that voice—! That split personality thingy! CHAPTER 4!" he gasps. "Shulk, is that you?!"

"Don't be silly, Reyn," Dunban says, "Shulk's deader 'n dead, heheheheh!"

As Shulk sits up, he lets out a mangled scream as Reyn tackles him in a great hug and nearly pitches the entire Face mechon off the cliff. "Get the Monado away from me! I thought I was finally was free of it!"

"Shulk, look, I made friends! I got a girlfriend!"

"You did?!" Shulk looks out past Reyn and sees the awkward group all staring at him.

"Yeah, yeah! So this is Sharla, my fiancée—"

"Oh, Shulk, I remember you!" Sharla replies cheerily. "You're the freak with the grey hair!"

Melia hastily touches her own hair.

"What—?" Shulk, with his friend's help, stands from the machine and blinks at her. "I got greys, too?!"

"Yeah, I remember you! You fell on me in Makna—" Melia's face flushes hot at the memory of her latest dream. "Ummm, please don't tell me you're Alvis again. I thought you went home, sweetie."

Reyn stammers out something. "Um, no, no, this is, um…" His expression greys as he stares at a bewildered Shulk. His green eyes fall onto Shulk's magenta armor, scuffed up in places, and the giant hole in his gut where he used to have organs. The Boy Wonder scratches at a metal implant on the side of his face. "…a zombie."

"Don't be silly, Reyn, zombies aren't real."

"But I saw that faced mechon stab you!" he insists.

"Reyn—" Shulk gives an unamused look to his friend. "—this is a video game, in which no one says 'die,' like, ever. Anyone you see die gets turned into Core Units. That is all. Now then, who wants to see the souvenirs I brought back from the Mechonis!"

"What…?" Reyn replies, dumbfounded. "This isn't a video game."

Shulk says, "Don't be silly, Reyn, of course it is. It's just not Xenoblade Chronicles."

"You didn't bring back souvenirs!" Dunban accuses Xord.

Xord merely shrugs. "Didn't think to bring them."

"We kinda-sorta-not really met back in Makna," Melia says, grinning this stupid grin that rivaled that of Reyn's when he decided to go skinny dipping near Agora Shore once. "I'm Melia, but not Belia or Selia."

"Shulk," he replies in that same bewildered tone. "Your friends are really weird, Reyn, I kinda like it."

"I know," he replies proudly.

"You know, you're actually cuter than Fiora!" Shulk says, snapping his fingers as he gazes at a glowing Melia. The rag-tag group can practically _see_ the sparks flying off the girl.

Dunban gapes his mouth at that comment. His ship engulfs in flames.

"T-Thanks," she replies shyly.

"I didn't know any girl but Fiora and Désirée existed!"

"YOU AIN'T GETTIN' MY DAUGHTER, 'OU MONADO SWINE!" Xord snarls, shoving Shulk away.

"You _didn't_ get crushed by Blemishes."

He frowns at the hand Xord gives him. "Fellow Faces in arms, haha!"

"Fellow Core Units in arms," he replies, shaking it.

"FACES IN ARMS!" he roars happily.


	23. The GHOST CITY OF ALCAMOTH

**Today, the review replies go to the top.**

 **Guest: Dear Bionis, you're right, thank you for pointing that out. Since this mistake has been published, let's do a "remedial" scene to explain just why Dicky was modeled after Zanza's great-granddad, yet also somehow existed back during their good ol' school years to roleplay with them… Actually, now I know how to begin this chapter. :) It may not be perfect, but hey, it just makes the whole thing funnier.**

 **Guest the Second (or maybe you're the same Guest, haha): Apologizes for the slower update, but I'll be getting into a schedule soon for this fic.**

When we last left our heroes, Shulk has left the Mechonis for better things to do than sit and watch chick flicks all day. The group, off-off-screen, has made it to Eryth Sea from the Bionis' Left Shoulder. And, much to the glee of the Mechonis, Breaking Juju: Part 5 was a box office success. They still don't know how that happened.

Alvis, as he sits in the Audience Chamber of the Imperial Palace, glares over at the officials as they talk shop. Luckily, they don't notice him scowling. Unluckily, he's trapped in this meeting for several more hours about trade negotiations with the Homs. Only, whenever it's brought up as a genuine thing, Emperor Sorean only laughs and, with a smile on his face, summons an element to burn the treaty into flame. No one seems to care that Prince Kallian had left to use the loo two hours ago.

The man, not for the first time today, thinks about his vision of the release of Zanza and his emperor's death at the hands of Metal Face. That Mumkhar sticks his claws into every pie, doesn't he?

And, for not the first time today, this vision reminded him of the day he met Zanza.

"I need to use the loo," Alvis cuts in curtly. Before the others could respond, he stands and sprints down the glass staircase. Finding the loo was no problem for him. The emperor decreed it well-hidden after the citizens of Alcamoth started to prefer his over theirs, and in his robes, he couldn't exactly have any untidiness, but the problem still persisted and, to this day, Sorean swears that it's Galvin's fault. But Alvis can never tell him about his Passage of Fate withdrawal, no, not when that expression on Galvin's face was so priceless when he's constantly arrested for high treason.

As he goes to enter the room, however, he sharply veers off and dives down a different corridor. He knows that Kallian's disguised as a lighthouse attendant, giving tours to ignorant Homs that happen to wander to Eryth Sea—Alvis supposes Kallian has a fetish about lighthouses.

And so, he must being him back if only for the sake of the tourists he's wrangled in today.

Alvis begins to ponder as he walks. He remembers the day he was introduced to Zanza and Meyneth. It wasn't much of a day, really: two interns, fresh from college, one a bit eccentric, being told by their superior that the ALVIS supercomputer can communicate back to them, but they have to treat it with respect.

So, doing what any psychotic roleplayer would do on his break, Klaus began to poke at the machine and ask it questions. Except these questions had absolutely nothing to do with science save for maybe in the man's mind.

 _"_ _ALVIS, would you like to be in my roleplay?"_ he had once asked the computer. _"Lorithia left to go be the 'President of the World,' whatever that's supposed to mean, and my great-grandad just died yesterday—his last words were something along the lines of, 'Call me Dick one more time, you arrogant little will reader, and I'll—!'—so that means no more Dickson, so I need a roleplayer. I'll have to model a faux-Dick for my grand world, and I need to make up a fake Lori so I have my ex-girlfriend back again, but, I mean, you'd be an excellent forth wheel on this trike, man."_

To this day, Alvis still curses the Three Laws of Robotics for keeping him from refusing.

He still shakes his head at the absurdity of it all.

It's worse than Kallian trying to be a normal High Entia citizen.

* * *

"Step right up, step right up, come see the greatest attraction in all of Bionis!"

"Well, what about that grand looking city in the distance?"

Kallian peers behind him, where Shulk points toward Alcamoth. Then he frowns. "Pfft, no, that place, that place is horrible, a total dump! You wouldn't wanna go there, folks."

Shulk glances around, as if wondering just where the plural was in his party of one.

"Besides, I'm _really not feeling it_ today." The High Entia sniggers, though the joke seems to go past Shulk's head.

The Replica Monado Boy pauses at the center of the lighthouse as a rather large group, chattering away, enters. "Oh, Zanza, please don't tell me you're going to start the tour over."

"Yep!" Kallian replies cheerfully. "They need to know about the bland and tedious history of this place the same as you!"

He moans and slumps over.

Melia squeals as she catches sight of Kallian. She rushes ahead of Reyn, at the head of the group, and tackles the High Entia in a great hug. "Kalley!"

"Melly!"

Reyn gasps as he catches sight of the magenta armor of the Core Unit whose back is turned to them. A Monado-ish weapon hangs between the drones on his shoulderblades—a gift from Vanea. Not the Monado Replica, his shoulderblades. "Shulk?!"

Blinking mildly, Shulk turns around. "Um?" Recognition dawns on his face. "Reyn!" he says excitedly. "You're alive! I didn't think you could last outside of Colony 9, let alone Tephra Cave!"

"I had your help, Shulk," Reyn says in reply, sounding rather proud of hiring Alvis all by himself. "Aren't we gonna go and see that big silver city? This place is worse than Tephra Cave!"

"What—?"

"And anyways~!" Kallian throws his arms around the boys' shoulders. "I bet you wanna go and see the _ghost city_."

Paling, Sharla stammers, "The ghost city?"

Dunban furrows his brow and looks as if he's thinking _really_ hard. "That's…what Reyn said…right?"

"Don't make me use my Johnny Diamond recipe for a quick sober," Melia threatens.

Kallian sniggers at that one. Then he straightens. "OH, YES, the ghost city of ALCAMOTH, teeming with the crying souls of High Entia who have DIED AS TELETHIA UNDER ZANZA'S CURSED WRATHHHHhhhhhhhhh." Xord cringes away at the spittle that flies from the man's mouth. "You wouldn't wanna go there, eh? You'll get too attached to all the NPCs there…"

The Arachno Queen finally squeezes herself into the lighthouse. "Nope!" she says.

"Oooh, Riki wanna see dead Bird Peoples, too!"

The High Entia's smile quickly fades to a scowling frown. "Why did you bring a nopon here, again, Melly?"

She shrugs. "We really didn't have any choice. Besides, he's all cuddly~!"

"You know how much our people get… _bothered_ by Nether Region Dwellers."

"I know, I know… But look at it this way!" the girl gasps. "I can use him for a pillow in my villa!"

"Oooh!" Kallian squeals. "Let's go."

Groaning, the Queen struggles to get back out. "I just got in here, too!"

Xord smiles as he tries to push her out. The Queen breathes in, then gags and practically _squirts_ out like a bar of soap.

"Eh? Lookie there, Queenie, you got out all right!"

She only grumbles and waves a spindly arm in the general direction of what could maybe pass as a nose.

The others, as they walk past, sniff the air and practically throw up. Melia skips past him, only to trip as she passes Xord, and she tumbles into Sharla. Both girls scream as Sharla's ether rifle goes off and hits Shulk straight in the back.

"Owww!" he says, grabbing at the burn mark into the armor where the ether round hit it.

Kallian gazes at the crew's adamant disgust, then leans into a weirded-out Xord and breathes in deep. "Oo! Smells like Dad's deodorant! I just love the scent of rotting flesh, you'll be a big hit in Alcamoth!"

Shulk can only stare. Then he sniffs his own armpits and grimaces. "Look, I have Blemishes parked out back…" He pulls out a set of car keys, and as he does so, a Zanza keychain dangles on the ring. He lifts up the little Zanza and cracks a stupid smile as he fondles his growing peach fuzz.

"Pfft, who needs a Face Mechon?" Kallian scoffs and strides forward.

Riki cackles as he tries to leap up and grab the key ring from Shulk. Shulk doesn't even have to lift his arm. "Geez, you are really short, aren't you?"

The Nopon can only whine something out before turning his sporadic attention to a smirking Kallian. "Does Bird Person have Nopon delicacies?"

"Yeah, nice Nopon Veg and some Red Pollen orbs—those are quite the hit here. Why do you ask?"

"Even Homhom?" The stare Riki gives the man is hungry, to say the least.

Kallian looks around. Then his mouth bursts into a great beam. "Yes! We have the Second Consorts!"

"Yayy! Riki happyhappy now."

"But they're _dead_ ," the man adds with a grin. As he walks past Melia, he pats her head. "Come on, chin up, Melly, you'll finally be able to explore your own city!"

"Really?!" she exclaims.

"Eh, not really, no," he replies. "Just wait until Lorithia gets through with us~!"

* * *

As the group, led by a humming Kallian, makes it to the transporter into the GHOST CITY OF ALCAMOTH, several High Entia guards and a silver-haired Homs emerges. Kallian stops and swears under his breath. Then he manages a weak smile. "Whaz up, Al?"

Alvis only scowls and crosses his arms. "You left to use the loo two hours ago."

"Oh, that Al, always so matter of fact," Kallian says to the others with a laugh. "This is Alvis, our seer, _and that's all you are_!" The man, as he adds this, whips around to face the Homs. He shrugs and smiles sickly in reply. "You are not my chaperone, I have not needed that since last year!"

"Silver-haired ghost~" Riki says as he does a small jig.

"Cute dance, nopon," the High Entia replies.

"Riki need to pee."

They ignore this.

Before anyone could say anything, Alvis throws a finger into Dunban's face. "You, y-you, I am never going on a journey with you again! And _you_!" He wriggles it at Reyn now. "I refuse to be your Shulk-Fiora again! I won't do it, you put me through _too much_ with the Left Shoulder!" Glancing briefly at Shulk, he adds, "Oh, hello, Shulk."

"The Left Shoulder?" Kallian frowns. "Dudes, that's like, really far. Couldn't you have just used the elevator or something?"

"The nopon were gonna CRUNCH-POW us in that little elevator," Dunban says.

"It's CRUSH-POW!" Riki snaps.

"Don't care, look, you want some…?" The man holds out the magically-always-refilled flask to the nopon. Riki gladly takes it in his tiny hands and begins chugging.

Kallian snorts a laugh. "No, I mean that other elevator, you know, from that door at the back of Cylinder Hanger in Colony 9?"

They all stare at him. Shulk curses that no amount of research could have ever led him to pry open a stuck door. Then: "That's a regeneration chamber," the Arachno Queen drones. Everyone else with her turns their dumbfounded stares to her instead.

"I don't care to remember what goes back there. Well, tallyho!"

"Hey, Melia," Xord says, elbowing the girl. She pauses as the Bionis Nether Region dwellers move past her into the portal—save for Reyn, who's strangely hung behind to cling to the blacksmith's back. "he sounds a lot like you!"

She groans. "Can't you see the family resemblance?!" The girl shouts, waving a hand over her face.

"You outta be ashamed, being related to a _tour guide_." Shaking his head, Xord shakes Reyn off and leaps into the transporter.

"But you're a _blacksmith_!" Annoyed, Melia looks down at Reyn. "What's wrong with you?" she asks.

"Are there only teleporters here?" he says, coving his face with his hands.

"Yes, why?"

"Shulk tried to build one once," he replies, straightening from his stooped position. Dusting off his pants, the boy exhales. "It…didn't go super well."

"I'd really like to see you climb up the walls of Alcamoth, Spryne." She cocks her elbow, and Reyn loops his in hers. "Tallyho."

 **You know, that beginning scene in the Xenoblade 2 trailer is worth a parody just for that. I mean, seriously—Rex's eyes widen as he goes to touch the "core" on Pyra? With an unfortunate placement and, er, large design, that scene could very easily go from Rex bonding with Pyra to Rex…bonding with Pyra… Okay, that's not right.**

 **Mark my words, a parody will be the first fic for this game.**

 **Mark my words.**


	24. I'm Really Feeling It!

**3,000 view milestone! Thank you so much!**

When we last left our heroes, the crew is finally all back together again…ish. Kallian has taken everyone to the GHOST CITY OF ALCAMOTH, where the poor souls of Telethiafied High Entia citizens cry in anguish. As they assume everything is right as Reyn, they press on, not realizing the truth about Kallian's headache-plagued race…

Shulk peers around the corner of the tunnel leading into the city. Grand spirals arch up and press against the sky, and he exhales. "Son of a Dickson, why didn't we know of this place like, at all?!"

Kallian pauses and smirks by his side. "We're a super selfish race dedicated toward self-preservation. We don't care one wit for dirty Nether Region Dwellers!"

"Kalley, you're not suppose to be honest!" Melia says, coming up behind him. She briefly reaches up to pat a trembling Reyn's shoulder before turning back to the crew. "Welcome to Alcamoth. I-it is Alcamoth, right, Kalley? I mean, I've genuinely never been on this street before in my life."

"You're asking me?"

Casting a steady glare, Alvis scowls at the crew and gestured wildly. "The faster you move, the slower the treaty will be signed."

"Aw, Alvie, does it look like I care about sharing our incredible wealth of technology and resources with these guys?" Kallian jabs a thumb in the direction of Reyn and co.

Heaving for breath and trying not to look at the teleporter, Reyn's only response is whimpering something about not eating so many Kromar on the way over.

"Come on," Alvis snips. "Sorean awaits your decision. He insists you have to grow up for once and act your age, and that means paying rent and moving on with your life."

"But whyyyy?" the man whines.

"How old are you?" Duncan hiccups. "I mean, I can stay home every day no prob, and I'm 30! Don't you haffa woman to take care of you, too?"

Kallian rubs the back of his head sheepishly, as if he's embarrassed to admit something. "151."

"One hundred and fifty-one women?" both Xord and Sharla reply, dumbfounded. Riki yelps.

"Pfft, that's not too bad, I have 2110 males after me back in the clan," the Arachno Queen says with a shrug. "It's custom to marry 2 of them."

Melia hacks something out, and Sharla hits her back absentmindedly. "Really? That must be very hard to decide," the medic says to the Queen.

"In a sense. The great thing is that after I eat the two I can pick two more!"

Sharla says absolutely nothing and only turns away to join Reyn, curled up in a fetal position in a corner.

Kallian laughs. "No, that's my age. It's really not too ridiculous, really. I'm not sure why Dad thinks I'm getting too old…"

"I think the term he used was 'irresponsible, immature, and irrational—you Millennial,'" Alvis deadpans. "Come on, or Sorean isn't going to give you your monthly allowance, and then you won't be able to buy more Red Pollen Orbs."

The totally-mature High Entia man screams like a terrified Reyn in Tephra Cave and rushes off, practically dragging Alvis and the guards along. "BUT I NEED THEM!"

Melia goes to check on Sharla as Reyn slowly stands, swallows down his bile, and joins the men at the front of the tunnel. Sharla pops her head up and grabs the surprised girl's arm. "Psst, Melia!"

"Eh?"

Their gaze goes to Shulk, chatting idly with Reyn and Dunban. He strangely avoids Xord's eyes. "Girl, I know you like Shulk," the medic says as she stands. Nodding, as if she sees all, she raises her eyebrows and cracks a grin. "And, you know, since he's…alone…"

"Right now he isn't."

"I don't mean in that way! I mean, like, you know, _alone_."

"Have you had some of Dundun's Mechonis Mark…?" Melia asks hesitantly.

"No, no! You know. His heart is destitute and empty of affection. I want you to be his perfect partner, Melia, don't worry, I'll set everything up," Sharla says.

Melia's face flushes hot. "H-how did you know?"

"I see the story in your eyes." The woman's words are poetic, to say the least. Then: "Besides, I saw you stare at him, like, the whole time we were in the lighthouse. I know you tried to stumble into him so you could cop a—"

"Okay, okay, I get it, you're my bestie, you see everything! I shouldn't have even tried to hide it, but Dunbai kept throwing himself at me, and I didn't want to do anything in front of him…"

Sharla stops at _"I didn't want to do anything in front of him."_ "Melia, back in Makna Forest, when you first thought you met Shulk…um, what took you and him so long getting to the group?"

"N-no reason."

"Oh, dear Bionis, you snogged with Alvis, didn't you?"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU COME TO?!"

"You mean you—"

"Quick, set me up! I mean the whole lock, stock, and barrel!" The girl grabs Sharla's arms in pure desperation. "Knarla, help me out! I need to remeet Shuck all over again!"

"So, when you say 'remeet,' you actually mean—"

"Yep."

The woman smirks and nods. As the two go up to Shulk, someone's shrieks stop them cold, and Shulk whirls around, his toned body terse. "Lady, are you alright?!" he gasps.

The owner of the cry, a High Entia woman, giggles, then snorts out a wild laugh. "I'm really feeling it!"

"What—?"

"I'm really feeling it!" someone else, an older man, shouts.

"I can't believe Shulk is here!" another exclaims.

"Oh, Shulk, I always play you shirtless…" The woman throws herself at his feet and kisses them in about the moistest way possible. "You're my wet dreams…"

Shulk begins screaming as he backs away. "What's going on?!"

Melia storms over and kicks the woman in the face. "HE'S MY SHULK, ALL MINE!"

A forth High Entia struts over to the crew and brushes his grey hair back, as if trying to be _kewl_. "Now it's Shulk Time!" he remarks in a _kewl_ voice.

"Oh my Meyneth, they've only played Super Smash Brothers!" Xord gasps.

"Now it's _Shulk_ time?!" Reyn says to his friend.

He ignores this.

"Friends run!" Riki shrieks, bounding away. "High Bird Peoples!"

"High Bird Peoples…?" Dunban asks, itching at his head. Xord only shrugs.

A crowd has begun to gather. "I'M REALLY FEELING IT!"

"SO FEELING IT!" Shulk squeals as a manic High Entia leaps at his thigh and clings on tight. She begins licking it.

"AHhh! AHHHhHhhh! **Hey, you're kinda cute,** " Zanza cuts in with a sexy purr. He grunts as Melia's high heel _smacks_ into his face. "Melia!" The man's voice breaks as he says this.

Sharla pushes everyone forward, and Melia leaps ahead of the group with a grand flourish of her staff. "Tally-hoe, peoples, I will get us past this!" She shouts, "I am Melia Antiqua, heir to the imperial throne and sister of Kallian Antiqua! In the Bionis' name, let us pass!"

The High Entia begin groaning and grumbling. "Hater," someone mutters.

"BOO! BOO! RUBISH! FILTH! SLIME! MUCK! BOO! BOO! _BOO_!"

"SSB hater!"

"You'll never be nominated! Ne-var _rrrrr_!"

Melia grimaces as spittle flies in her face, but, regardless, the crowd shifts away, and the party wanders by—albeit, rather bewildered. "Forgive them, I don't really know what their problem is."

* * *

"OH YES, I forgot to mention that you're a big celebrity here!" Kallian belts out a hearty belly laugh.

Shulk and the others, standing in the center of the audience chamber, stare at him with no less than utter scowls on their face. Riki, meanwhile, looks happyhappy. "Oooo! Has Red Pollen Orb shipment come in yet for Bird People?"

"Yes! Tell Bana thanks a bunches for Dad, mm-kay?"

"What are you talking about?" Xord asks.

"DRUGS!" he replies in a quick snap.

The party screams.

"Oh, dear Bionis!" Reyn exclaims. "Why do you take drugs?!"

Kallian can only shrug. "Welllll," As he speaks, he picks up an ornate silver hairbrush and begins doting on his headwings. "These are _really_ heavy. You know when you grow out all your hair and it's super thick and pulls on your scalp?"

Reyn looks at the girls and screws up his face. Before any of them could say anything to explain it to him, however, it's Xord who steps forward. "Yes, yes, I do know! Do you know how thick this sucker gets?!" He jabs a finger in the direction of his mullet, only, he doesn't quite hit it, and the group follows his pointing finger to Shulk's crotch.

Kallian cocks an eyebrow.

"What?" Xord demands.

Snarling something incoherent, Melia practically throws herself in front of Shulk.

"Anyway, it's like that," Kallian finishes. "They give us really bad migraines, but Bana and those other kind Nopon gave us the cure to it all! It was just a pity about poor dear Mir'angl, he never quite came back after going to retrieve a shipment that got stuck in transit."

Everyone looks at each other as they remember the Leone Telethia.

"Never _quite_ came back?" the Arachno Queen questions.

"Yeah, we got a hand."

With a gag, the Queen ducks away.

"It flipped us off." Kallian throws the hairbrush to Melia, who stares at it before lifting the piece of cloth behind her head and rubbing the brush against her own super-tiny headwings as if she's not quite sure she's doing it right.

Reyn gasps, "You're one of them, too?! I really had no idea! Not one!"

"That's totally a surprise for me," Xord says, nodding.

"OH MYYYY," is Dunban's only semi-recognizable response.

"Yes! Now we have a High Entia friend, too!" Sharla whoops, and she high-fives the Queen and Melia simultaneously.

"RIKI SPOILED THE WHOLE THING!" Riki blurts out. "Bird lady? Come on, Riki clever Riki, hm?"

"Oh, come on!" Kallian snarks. "It's not that hard to wrap your wings around! Or, heh, lack of wings, in Melia's case."

Shulk pipes up, "Yes, why is that?"

"I don't know! She's half Homs or something, but we all kinda are, but genetics are weird, I failed that along with Government I, Intro to Biology, and Politicking 101!"

"Interbreeding…" he mutters in a musing tone. "Very interesting…"

Sharla nudges Melia, and she raises her eyebrows as if saying, "See? He's perfect for you."

Melia blushes as she turns to look back at Shulk.

"Anyway," Kallian grabs a purple fizzy drink from the same table he had the hairbrush on and slurps it hard. "Ah, grape. Anyway, Lorithia told Hogard to tell Galvin to tell his parol officers to tell Dad that she wants you to traipse around in a tomb for dead people so you can prove yourself as brave enough to run Alcamoth all by yourself one of these days or another…"

"But I'll always have you and Dad to help me!" Melia protests.

Kallian only snorts.

"And besides, isn't this, like, a super cruel hazing tactic or something? It sounds like something Ivy Reef University would do!" she exclaims. "'Oh, Melia, if you want to be a part of our sorority, you have to go into the TOMB OF OUR DEAD FOREFATHERS' and get lost, and then get in trouble, _and then get expelled_!"

The group stares at her as her voice rises to an enraged scream.

"You're going," Kallian deadpans, taking another sip of his fizzy drink before sitting himself down in his throne and throwing his feet up.

"Whyyyyy?"

Storming out, the eight can only groan.

Xord says, "This FILLER quest is gonna suck!"

 ** _Please_** **, tell me you read "DRUGS!" in John de Lancie's voice.**

 **Or maybe it's just me watching too much** ** _Murder, She Wrote_** **. (But you can really never watch too much of it.)**

 **Guest: That's good to know! And that is a very excellent idea, thank you! :)**


	25. It's a Button! I Love Buttons!

When we last left our heroes, a guided tour into Alcamoth turned into a frat party when the mild-mannered Shulk was attacked by the indecency of, "I'm really feeling it!" Kallian basically admitted that the entire High Entia species is actually high, and Lorithia sent Hogard to send Galvin to send his parol officers to send for Sorean to send Melia down into the High Entia Tomb of their dead forefathers for a "rite of passage into the imperial throne." Which is probably a hazing tactic. Melia is used to those. With the party really feeling it! they press on into the FILLER quest of Alcamoth. It's not like they have anything better to do; the Bionis' head was really all they were aiming for, anyway.

The group halts in front of a towering tomb entrance. Melia screws up her mouth before strutting inside—she wasn't quite sure what the High Entia used this for; it's not like they actually put deceased bodies in here, not where they must return them to the Bionis, so there shouldn't be any rotting corpses down here, right?

Right.

Then again, Alvis did mention something about her ancestors being somewhere down there…before noting in his typical deadpan that she too will join them one day.

The girl shudders.

"All right, now, I'd seriously love it if all of you could come with me down the easy route, but only Shulk can, so…" Melia says so confidently that it must be true.

"What?" Reyn exclaims. "Why can't all of us?"

Alvis, who chose to attend this sad spectacle of a haze, only smirks and crosses his arms. "We will be fine taking the hard route," he says.

"Well, how do you know we'll have to take the hard route?" Dunban asks with a frown.

"The Passage of Fate beckons," is all Alvis utters mysteriously before disappearing in a puff of sulfurous smoke. Reyn grimaces.

Sharla pauses as she stares at the entrance. She folds her arms, then grits her teeth and cracks her back so sharply it makes a spaced-out Xord jump and grab Shulk, who shouts and shoves him away. "Where's the separate entrances?" she asks.

The Arachno Queen joins her in her staring. "I only see the one."

"Follow me, it is all quite clear," Melia replies as she twirls her staff like an Ivy Reef University baton artist and skips forward. "Our ancestors were very clever~. It's a doorway fit for a Reyn!"

"Oh yeah!" the boy belts enthusiastically.

"Not for Dundun?" Dunban whines.

Xord snorts. "Not for Xordy either, I guess."

As they enter, Reyn's excitement jumps up another ten notches.

"It's a button! I love buttons!" Reyn whoops.

" **I get to hit the button first!** " Zanza screams through Shulk as he skids over to the front of the pedestal. " **This harkens me back to my boyhood-not-really-boyhood-definitely-adulthood button collection!** "

Melia yips something out and wraps her hands around his waist as she piledrives him to the ground, away from the center of the room. "No, no, Shulk, you are coming with me!" As she lays there on the cold ground, with the warm Shulk underbody, she nuzzles her head into his chest. She just couldn't help it. It was an automatic response, she can only suppose, after all, he didn't seem to mind it back in Makna— "Ow!" She pulls away and rubs at a cut on her cheek, where it just happened to slice against a sharp edge of his armor.

Nope. She always forgets.

Definitely not Alvis this time.

But that's two for the price of one.

"Are you alright, Melia?" Shulk gasps as he sits up.

Sharla drags the two up and smirks. "You alright, Melia?"

"Fine, just fine," she says with a totally suspicious giggle. Melia eyes the gaggle of Nether Region Dwellers all bundled together in the center of the room. Then she nods, as if approving over something or another. "Reyn, hit the button, hit it, I dare you." With a sullen glare, Melia throws her arm out to stop an over-eager Zanza from jumping in for Reyn.

" **You're no fun,** " the man grunts as he blows up his bangs like a teenager on PMS.

Riki only moans as he gives up trying to jump up to reach the button himself and steps aside for the Monado wielder…ish. "All right!" Reyn says.

"Are you sure you should be doing this…?" Dunban asks hesitantly. He eyes his flask, then only sighs. "Xord, you haffa drink?"

"Nope. Not after Giorgio spiked his curry one day on April Fools."

Dunban snorts out a laugh. "Yeah, that was great."

Shrugging, Reyn punches the button—only to plummet into a pitfall trap. "How could I have fallen for it againnnnnnnnnn!"

A pause. Melia can faintly hear Xord laugh. "Heh, heheh, _fallen_."

* * *

It was one of _those_ days, Alvis notes as he exits the Alcamoth Baths. One of those days which necessitated a grungier porcelain throne simply because it was closer to the Tomb. He would have gladly gone for the clean John—after all, if he doesn't have to scrub it shiny, he's cool with it—but, unfortunately, that required an extra two seconds of travel, and he just didn't have that kind of time.

Sorean grunts as he strides out into the lonely streets of Alcamoth and heads toward the public baths. "I'll beat that Galvin at his own game this time. My robe isn't touching filth!" he rants to no one in particular.

As he struts, he passes by Alvis, who exhales and forces a smile at the emperor. After Sorean leaves the vicinity, the seer hastily gestures to a High Entia man, and he heads over to him.

"What's up?"

"Can you, um…"

"Oh, sure." The man stoops over and stares hard at Alvis' bum. "With white pants, it's pretty hard to hide anything," he comments.

"Yeah, I know," Alvis replies testily. He suddenly whirls around and slaps the man away. "It doesn't take that long."

Giggling in a way that reminds Alvis of the time he watched Zanza, in a tiny 5-year-old Shulk's body, try to take a cookie from Dickson, the man steps away. "Has anyone ever told you that white pants is probably a bad idea?"

"Melia did, so many times. Why, do I have anything there?" His tone turns sharp. "She'd kill me if I did."

"Ooo, you're trying to impress her?"

He only grunts in reply. "It's difficult to tell on my end, but I think she thought I was Shulk. He's pretty well-endowed, so I don't mind it myself."

"Pfft, identity doesn't matter. I've been dating Ma'crish for decades now, and she still thinks I'm Galdo!" He laughs. "Actually, I don't want her to know that I'm not."

Alvis suddenly frowns and stares off in the distance, where the grand entrance of the High Entia Tomb looms. "Um, she is going with Shulk actually—" He begins to rush off. "Melia, Melia, I will save you, _Melly, I love you_!" the man screams. " _MELLY, I'M COMING_!"

The man dusts off his palms, sighs, then cracks a grin. Alvis doesn't give himself enough credit.

* * *

As Melia walks around the great pit in the middle of the floor, she leans over to place her hand on the button. A scanner starts up, making Shulk _coo_ in excitement. With a grunt, Melia grips the pedestal as she reaches over to catch her arm in the beam, and it clicks, as if groaning with tremendous effort—Shulk likens it to the time when he built a teleporter. It was quite fine, the boy was very proud of it. Even though it destroyed half the lab and sent Reyn careening into Colonel Vangarre's home (Shulk's a bit fuzzy on the details; Reyn has refused to ever talk about this incident) after the machine made such funny noises of suffering, the inventor merely chalks the clicks off to machine strain and leaves it at that.

Then the doors open.

"MELLY! MELLY, THERE YOU ARE, I HAVE FOUND YOU!" The pair whip around as Alvis sprints into the room. Melia beams and waves at the seer, and a grin breaks across Alvis' face that that. "Oh, Melia, I finally caught up with—"

His foot hits solid air.

The two blink—and he's gone.

Multiple screams float up from the hole.

" _How could I have missed_ this _in the Passage of Fate_?!"

The young woman shrugs and takes Shulk's hand in hers. She doesn't care that he makes such utterances of boyish confusion and discomfort—she heard that at prom, and now Soongalle is crawling back to her! The arrogant brat! He just wants the first consort role, _well_ , that's Alvis' spot, mind him, and Soongalle's no Homs, only Shulk is a Homs, and only Shulk gets the role as her second consort!

She has this whole thing planned. Even if she must break some rules with the whole first-consort-must-be-a-High-Entia, she has this whole thing planned.

* * *

"Who puts a great big hole somewhere like that?!" Reyn rants. **[actual line, not making this up]**

"Well, maybe if somebody didn't push the button!" Dunban snips.

Xord shrugs. "Meh, I would have pushed it, anyway."

"You never believe Melia when she gets that look upon her face," Alvis replies in a chipped voice as he stands. The Passage of Fate told all when he sat upon his porcelain throne; much like cracking open a newspaper, it is Alvis' favorite bathroom distraction. "It is an expression of the utmost mischief, and you fell for it!" His voice cracks.

"Heh, _fell_."

Sharla looks up, then clicks her tongue and wades out of the pool, where the Arachno Queen greets her. The woman grunts as Queenie begins to lick her dry, much like she would a tiny spider child. Once Xord gets out—suddenly screaming something about not getting his armor wet—she turns toward him next, and the group watches as her overeager dry job turns into moans, and Xord promptly disappears underneath the Queen's limbs and popping hearts.

"Oh Meyneth, please don't do me," Alvis mutter with a cringe.

"Riki want to go next!" The little nopon shrieks as Dunban picks him up and tries the Arachno Queen's patented Dry-Lick Technique. "NO! RIKI WANT DOWN, RIKI NOT LIKE THIS, _LET GO OF RIKI_!"

Reyn peers down the corridor. "Jeez, so this is the hard route, eh?"

"You're Canadian, eh?" Alvis snips back. "Yes, this is the hard route. We fell down the pitfall trap designed specifically to catch stupid tomb robbers. The button you hit scanned your genetic code, and you failed its test because you are not of royal lineage…and a High Entia."

"Well, what if I were a High Entia that was all royal?"

"You would probably pass it and raid the tomb just fine."

Shrugging, as if he has nothing left to lose—including his dignity, which was lost long before today—Reyn starts forward, Sharla hot on his heels. The others all groan and follow save for the Arachno Queen and Xord, who has to be dragged along by a steamed Alvis.

With the twisting and twinning of so many corridors that become a nightmare to explore the entirety of, the rag-tag group finally makes it to a large area with a very pretty glowing orb hovering in the center of it. "Ooooh, it's a ball!" Reyn cries out in happiness. "It's a very big ball, too! Oi, Dunban, we could play catch with it, like you used to do when we were, like, ten!"

"We did?" the man replies.

As the Monado Boy skips over to it, a giant monster attacks!

"AHHHhHHh! AhhHhHhHH! The ball is alive! Why are they always alive?!"

"Why is there a big green barrier in the way?!" Xord shouts.

"WHAT DID RIKI DO, ORLUGA?! ORLUGA RIKI'S FRIEND!"

"My rifle's getting hotter!"

"Hey!" Reyn says.

"Sorry, but it is," the woman replies pointedly as she holds up her ether rifle.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you meant something else." He rubs the back of his head.

She waves a hand in his general direction. "Don't worry yourself."

 _Sorean steps into the bathhouse and groans. "GALVIN, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"_

Alvis disconnects from the Passage of Fate—his way of entertainment during such dreary times—and cackles, which only makes the others stare at him.

* * *

As the group drags themselves into the Ceremony Hall, Melia pulls away from Shulk and blinks, as if she were a spooked Bunnit.

Alvis, enraged, stalks over to Shulk and tosses the boy aside. " _Ow_! **Alvie, what the Zanza?!** "

Melia shrugs and tries to play it cool. "What took you so long?"

"What took us so long?!" Reyn exclaims.

"Dunban played with the ball, not me!" Xord blurts out as he points a finger at the man.

"Not Riki!"

"I didn't do anything!" Dunban protests.

The girl continues that guilty shrug of hers. "Oh, well, in that case, then you can watch me prove my lineage right here. See?" She steps forward, and a blue orb scans her—then gasps!

" **OH ZANZA, THEY'RE STILL DOING THIS TEST?!** "

The party screams and backs away as the orb lights up with a glow and begins talking, something that Shulk can only dream machines can do.

" **DEAR BIONIS,** " it curses, " **ARE THEY ALL IDIOTS TODAY?! THEY MUST BE, AND YOU! ARE YOU TOO AN IDIOT?** "

Melia blinks. "Um? I've barely even stepped foot out of my villa until like, three weeks ago, so, no?"

" **GREAT! I'M SO GLAD SOME THINGS DON'T CHANGE. YOU, MY PRECIOUS GIRL, ARE THE— WAIT, THE NEXT EMPEROR IS GOING TO BE A** ** _GIRL_** **? E-ERM, YOU ARE THE HOPE OF THE— OH MY ZANZA, THE HOPE OF THE ENTIA IS A** ** _GIRL_** **! WHY DID THAT BLASTED GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT—** " This goes on a for a while. " **—GRANDSON SOREAN HAVE A DAUGHTER? WHY COULDN'T MY OTHER GRANDSON, ZOUZAZOU, BE THE ONE TO SUCCEED THE IMPERIAL LINE?! WHY COULDN'T SOREAN BEAT HIM IN THAT DUEL, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU?!** "

"Because my brother takes drugs?" Melia suggests.

" **OH, WELL, FEMALES WERE ALWAYS THE PURISTS,** " the voice adds. " **YOU'RE DEEMED A-OKAY! GO, AND BE THE HOPE OF THE ENTIA!** "

"It's the High Entia," she corrects testily.

" **NO, THEY JUST ADDED THAT TO REFLECT THE FACT THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY—** "

"We get it!" the group belts.

" **WOW, DO I HAVE TO CROWN ALL OF YOU?** " it snarks. " **BUNCHA TRAMPS. GET OUTTA HERE AND LEMME GO BACK TO SLEEP!** "

The floor opens up, and Alvis slides away as the group drops.

"Gah, I hate these things!" Reyn says.

Xord squeals, "I fell for it again!" Beat. "Heh, _fell_."

Alvis cracks a grin as he looks up at the glowing eye-thing. "You always were so very eloquent in your words, Caesar Antiqua."

" **JUST DON'T LET THEM KILL ME AGAIN AT THE FEET OF MY ENEMY, AND DON'T LET THEM FORM A TRIUMVIRATE AGAIN! YOU KNOW HOW WELL THAT WORKED.** "

"I will certainly try. But, you know, you were always such an influence in Entia studies."

" **AH, CRAP.** "

The pair stops speaking as Tyrea slinks away. "Darn it, and I was gonna sneak-attack Melia too if she didn't have that Homs-not Homs-kinda-sorta-a-Mechon brat with her."

"You still could have," Alvis replies.

"Yes, but I was too frozen in my spot after they started making out."

"MELIAAAA!" Alvis disappears in a puff of green smoke. His screams echo across the chamber. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!"

* * *

"So…where to next?" Reyn asks, brushing cobwebs and what could pass as a finger bone from his massive shoulder. "What a mess that place was."

Shulk laughs, "Prison Island sounds like a neat tourist attraction. Let's just hope it's not closed for business. It looks like it hasn't been taken care of in years!"

* * *

"So, Project ONION has begun…" a mysterious, quirky voice muses to the smog-filled air of Mechonis Field. What he was doing down in Mechonis Field was quite silly, really—a repair of a stubborn generator. During these times, however, he likes to talk to himself. His way of having someone to tell his plans to since they've all gone and left for lower goals. "I only wonder when they'll all bow down to the crushing force of the Mechonis! Ahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Aha—" Egil breaks down coughing. "Ha—" He waves a hand in the air. "I should really clean this place up."

* * *

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: I wish I could just forget Xenoblade 2.**

 **hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (guest): Unfortunately, I can't give an exact schedule, I'm very sorry. I have found, however, that schedules for parodies tend to become oppressive; in the need to get the next installment out, the humor becomes forced and unnatural. I tend to write this when inspiration hits and I'm really feeling it! so it can be the best it can be. Thankfully, this is fairly often.**

 **ragnarok (guest): They are pretty brutal, aren't they?**

 **ang4133: Thank** ** _you_** **for reading it! It means a lot to me that you say that, thank you! :)**


	26. Zanza's Best Friend: Zanza

**Shoutout to Guest, who had the idea of Zanza…talking to Zanza. How very fitting for such an egocentric man.**

When we last left our heroes, Reyn _fell_ for Melia's tricks and hit a button. He really couldn't help it. Alvis finally drums up the nerve to declare his love for his liege, only to _fall_ for it as well, and Melia somehow manages to skirt around Tyrea's haze by snogging with Shulk. Shulk won't discuss this, though he seems to giggle every time it's brought up. As they press on! the intrepid crew beats boredom by pestering Emperor Sorean about breaking into a tourist attraction…er, I mean, mysterious tower in which no one even remembers what went in there anymore.

"So why not?!" Shulk whines.

Sorean blinks and grunts as he sips his morning coffee, sunlight filtering into the audience chamber and casting his weathered face in a look of total annoyance. The day was not starting off well. Not after Kallian woke him up at 2 AM whimpering something about a nightmare and "wanting to sleep with him for the night."

This is why Kallian must live alone.

As he reaches over to grab the coffee pot, he scowls and shakes the final two drops from the glass container. His eyes twitch over to his son, joyously chugging the remainder of his mug's worth of coffee.

This is another reason.

With a scowl, Sorean slaps Kallian's mug away from his lips before snorting. "Because Prison Island is a sacred tower, in which our ancient Entia ancestors utilized to hole up anyone who poo-pooed the Bionite Order in front of them." He takes another sip of his coffee. "Besides, there could be skeletons or other spooky stuff. I'm not going in there."

"Spooky skeletonz~," Riki sings thinly. Xord looks down at him with a bewildered expression, and he nudges the Nopon with his foot. "What Xordy want?"

"Did you take any of those red pollen orbs the High Entia were offering us on the way over here?"

"Nooooo," he replies in a totally-guilty voice.

Meanwhile, Reyn complains. "Aw, man, come on! Alvis said you would!"

"I said nothing of the sort," Alvis replies, his hands on his hips as he walks over to Sorean's side. "Now, I may have said, 'You may break into the tower through the west entrance,' but I did not say that Sorean would let us in!"

Emperor Sorean looks up at the seer, then sniggers and stirs in a handful of red pollen orbs into his drink. "You told them that? Oh man, that's rich right there." Alvis nods with a pleased expression on his face. "You want to be locked up in Prison Island, Alvis?"

The seer stops and ducks behind the throne.

"Seriously though, why not?" Shulk asks again.

"Because it scares Kallian at night."

Dunban says, "The wimp!"

Sorean is unamused. "Kallian's also scared of Mechon, Orluga, Hedgehogs, Bunnivs, Bunnits," The man begins listing off his fingers now. "The Arachno Queen," Queeny wails and covers her numerous eyes, and Xord tries petting her to bring her comfort. "Shulk, Shulk's Monado—" Shulk squeals and grabs at his crotch. Sorean halts and screws up his mouth. His eyes narrow as he stares hard at Reyn. "Reyn's Monado, sorry. Gosh, I feel like we've gone through this before!" Reyn is unfazed as he grabs the Monado off of his back and waves it around as he watches Kallian's freaked-out expression.

"Kalley!" Melia cries out. "You told my you were chill with my buds!"

Kallian peers up from scooping up the shards of his mug. He begins slurping the coffee off the floor. "I am, I'm just currently trying very hard not to wet my pants in terror right now."

The Arachno Queen snarls and jumps forward, and the man utters a shriek so unmanly—so reminiscent of Yumea's that it makes Sorean scream and blubber something about "not being with a woman this time"—before slipping on his coffee and joining it on the floor. Queeny cackles as Sharla, with a devious smirk, pats her head.

"Kalley doesn't have to go into the tower!" Dunban exclaims. "You do!"

"Well, who did he inherit it from?!" Sorean snips in response. "Besides, Alvis showed me a vision, so I'm not going." He settles into his throne further.

"Alvis, you have visions, too?!" Shulk gasps. He stumbles forward and grabs the seer's furry hood. "TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! HOW?!"

Alvis replies, "You of all people should know, Shulk. Now leave me alone!" He disappears in a puff of smoke, and Shulk coughs and waves his hand in the air.

"So, do we get to go into the tower?" Reyn looks up at Sorean expectantly. A baby Bunniv look lingers in his eyes.

Sorean belts out this great sigh that reminds him of his fraternity years. "Ask Alvis, he has the key," he says, waving a hand lazily in the air and hitting Kallian smack in the face as he goes to stand.

Xord groans. "Isn't there any other way?"

"Ghost seer say nothing about this when Riki ask!"

"Oh, come on!" Sharla complains.

Shulk pipes up, "I'm really not feeling it."

"Yes, I guess there is," Sorean replies with a shrug, "but I'm really only letting you do this because I'M REALLY FEELING IT!" He abruptly bursts into tiny giggles as he kicks his legs out. "REALLY FEELING IT! OH GOSH, THAT'S RICH RIGHT THERE!"

Shulk slumps over, and Melia rubs his back.

"Oh yeah, it's Reyn time, baby!" Reyn whoops. "So let's start this thing!"

The group moans.

* * *

 **[Seals Quest omitted due to character strikes against the author]**

* * *

As the party enters into Prison Island, their mouths gape. Ahead of them stands a blackened path so decrepit, so rancid in smell that it bests even Xord's rotting flesh, that the entire crew gags.

Sharla cringes as some stray Juju-juice drips from the Queen's ether-stained fangs, and Xord breaks out in a great beam. "Oh, hey, the brat!" he says enthusiastically. The medic only covers her face and tries very hard to hold her bile down.

The group marches forward, passing by very large furniture—a moldy couch; a television set stuck on FAUX-9's news report of the titan battle; a broken high chair; and a refrigerator that even managed to ward Reyn off with its stink and milk, eggs, and eyeballs eons past its expiration date—just thrown about in the hall, as if someone was rooming with the owner of this prison. A fuzzy plate of Marcia's Biscuits sits on the high chair.

They somehow manage, despite the massive scale of the place, to encounter a staircase the size of a Homs.

"Well, bust my buttons and call me Klaus! What the crap lived here?!" Shulk says. "I don't even know how to wrap my head around all of this clashing scientific evidence! **Well, suck it up, cupcake, you're dealing with it whether you'd like to or not!** "

The Boy Wonder gets stares as he replies to himself. He shrugs and keeps going forward.

Sharla looks at Reyn. "I'm sorry I thought you were crazy, you know, back when…"

"Don't worry 'bout it, Shulk's always been the nutter after his mum and dad dragged him up to Valak Mountain to get the Monado when he was, like, four."

"Yeah, I can't fix that," is all she replies with.

Everyone stops once they reach a totally-evil portal.

"I dunno, should we go into the totally-evil portal that'll probably either kill us or turn us all evil 'n all?" Reyn asks. "Anyone?"

Dunban pokes the dark flames with his pinky finger before attempting to lick it. Without even looking the other way, Shulk shoves him into it.

His best friend gapes. "Shulk?!"

"Is this a reveal? Crap, I totally didn't see this coming," Xord mutters.

"No, I just got sick of him drinking. This should fix him, if my observations hold." The boy fondles his growing peach fuzz. "Anyone else want a go?"

Sharla tries to go around it to find another exit, only to trip on the Arachno Queen and go pitching headlong into it. The Queen screams and tries to grab her, only to fall in herself.

"Honey!" Reyn says—and he "alley-oops" into the portal.

Shulk blinks, grabs Xord—who's grabbing Riki—and disappears with a hip swing and a strut.

With a sigh, Melia peers into its dark depths before shrugging and holding her palms over it. "Hey, this isn't too bad!" Sharla's hand comes through and drags her in.

* * *

The girl exhales as she emerges. "This actually was safe for us to go in."

Everyone gasps as they encounter…a stone wall.

Melia crouches down to inspect some ancient Entia runes scribed into the rock underfoot. "I think something's supposed to go in here, like my father's staff!" she replies excitedly.

"So, like this?" Shulk gestures to the Monado on Reyn's back.

"Like my father's staff!"

"Like…this!" With a flash of movement so sharp that Reyn doesn't even notice, Shulk snitches the Monado from him and jams it into the hole. "KY-YAA!"

The red plastic splinters and cracks as its blue blade juts out of it, but oddly enough, this worked, and the stone wall once boring now reveals the number one ultimate tourist attraction ever—a freak show.

A purple Giant with veins that pulsate, eyes that glint, tattoos that make Xord squeal with glee, kneels before them now. His massive hairy crotch matches the white of his wild beard that would make even the Guinness Book of Endless Ocean Records pale.

The Giant heaves for breath before them as his hands remain interlocked in hovering golden circles. Then: "Dude!"

"What?" the entire group utters—

—save for Shulk, who answers back with an equally enthusiastic, " **Dude!** "

"It's been too long, man, how you been?"

" **Not bad, Zani, not too bad! And how have you been—oh wait, you've been locked up! BOOM!** " The boy cackles.

"Shulk, you know this bozo?" Melia asks.

Shulk—no, Zanza!—grins stupidly back. " **Well, of course! He's totally my bestie!** "

"Won't you introduce us, then?" Sharla snips.

" **This is Zanza. Zanza, meet my slaves.** "

The Giant nods and lets out a hearty belly laugh. "You picked some sorry-looking Nether Region Dwellers, Zanza!"

" **Yeah, I…really didn't have much of a choice.** "

With a smirk, the Giant says in a totally-hazing-tactic voice, "I can get that Monado unlocked for you. After all, I made it!"

"From a freak show?" Reyn snarks back. He wrenches the weapon out of the rock. "No way, it's my Monado, all mine!"

" **Come on, gimme it!** " Shanza says as he dives for it.

The boy steps away. "Nu-uh! You're that whazhisname again, not Shulk! I don't trust Whazhisname!"

" **The name is Zanza! Now gimme it!** "

"You sound like a child!" Reyn snaps.

" **You** ** _are_** **a child to me!** "

"And I don't care!"

Melia steps forward and wrenches the Monado away. She hands it to Sharla—despite the complaints from both boys—who chucks it off the balcony.

"WHAT?!" they cry out simultaneously.

" **What have you done, you have just trashed a valuable piece of my mortal soul!** " Shanza screams. " **Now I only have Shulk and Arglas left before I'm no longer immortal, you better not kill them, too!** "

He gasps and backsteps as the wind begins rushing around them. Two Faced Mechon come in from above!

"DON'T YOU KNOW TO RECYCLE! GOSH!" the first one complains as it shakes the Monado off into points unknown. Its rainbow-splatter colors shine in Zanza's jail's light as it lands, and to the group, it looks rather comical, as if someone decided to spray paint it for fun. An obscenity is sprayed all across his front.

"SLUG FACE, BE NICE!" the other, a slender, silver faced Mechon, chides. " **I APOLOGIZE, HE CAN BE QUITE IMMATU—** "

Reyn belts out a scream as he grabs Dunban's sword and charges the Mechon. His attack bounces right off. "Uh!"

" **HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP THAT! I AM A LADY! TREAT ME WITH RESPECT!** "

"You ain't no lady, you vile Mechon!" The boy continues his pointless attacks. "Meh! Eh! Ugh! EHHHHH!" The Mechon looks down as Reyn leans against her foot. "Oh man, that's tiring. Don' know how anyone could do it."

The hatch of the Faced Mechon opens!

The group cries in surprise and fear, "That Mechon is opening!"

"Really, again?!" Xord exclaims.

Fiora jumps out. "Shulk, you made me go and watch _Breaking Juju: Part 5_ all by myself! And I couldn't just leave poor Vanea to watch it herself! She was so sad you left that she cried tearless sounds of misery!"

Shulk shrieks. "F-Fiora! Well I, I told you why," he says.

"That's not the point!" She jabs a finger at his collarbone.

Reyn, as he turns his head, stumbles away, and Sharla catches him. "Fiora, you're alive!"

"I thought she was before," the medic says.

"Oh no, that was just Alvis. But you're alive, Fiora!" The boy tackles her in a great hug. "Aw, Fiora, I missed you, I didn't think anyone was gonna come back! You only took twenty chapters!"

"You didn't react this way with me," Shulk huffs.

"Aw, Reyn…" Fiora pats Reyn's head, then turns her fierce glare back to Shulk. "Shulk, this doesn't excuse you!"

"So does this mean you'll join Reyn's merry band of eccentrics?" Shulk asks.

"Ha! No way, I wanna see the look on your face when I pitch off Galahad Fortress! Maybe then you'll stick around to suffer through awkward CGI with me!" She leaps back into the Face. " **See you around, Zani!** "

" **Meyneth, come on!** " Shanza pleads.

" **Nope! And are you really going to keep using 'Shanza' to describe yourself in that poor dead boy? That's so last fall.** " Meyneth snorts as she flies away.

Slug Face looks around before groaning. "DO WE HAVE TO GO?"

"YES! YES, WE DO!"

"BUT I DON'T WANNA!"

"YOU'RE GOING!"

"NOOO!"

"AND DON'T YOU DARE CRASH YOUR FACED MECHON THIS TIME, I'VE HAD TOO MANY TALKS WITH VANEA ABOUT YOU!"

"BUT MECHON HATE ME! AND IT JUST CRAPPED OUT ON ME. REALLY. I DIDN'T PURPOSELY BREAK IT TO RUN WILD AND FREE IN THE GREAT EXPANSE, I SWEAR."

Slug Face wobbles as he takes off, only to accidentally go flying forward, smashing into the stone wall. The crew dives out of the way as an explosion shakes the tower. Shanza screams and rushes forward. " **Zanza, no**!"

"Zanza yes," Melia says. She and the girls high five.

"What just _happened_?" Shulk whines.

As Prison Island grows silent, the group looks at each other, then at a sniveling Shulk. Dunban shrugs before prodding him. "You wanna drink?"

The boy takes the flask from his shaking hand and downs it.

 **Guest (guest 1): I'm so glad it helps you. That's exactly why I wrote it. :)**

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: From red pollen orbs, by chance? ;)**


	27. Yep, Juju Face

When we last left our heroes, a tourist stop to Prison Island turned into a hot mess when they encountered, locked deep within its moldy depths, a freak show attraction that no one exactly cared to remember—the purple Giant Zanza. Zanza—Shulk's Zanza—introduced the group to this naked man, and thus began a conversation with himself. Fiora, along with a strange new Faced Mechon named Slug Face, appeared, and somewhere along the line, Reyn lost the Monado. It's not too important of a sword, right? As they press on, and _on_ , and _ON_! the group finds this whole area rather tiresome. They vow to give it one star on Xelp.

As Shulk glances up from polishing his replica Monado, he scowls at the entrance into Whitewing Palace. The crew has been holed up in this place for hours already, and there was no sign that the imperial officials were ever going to stop their deliberations.

It's not like they did anything wrong, after all, Sorean _let them_ enter Prison Island!

 _"_ _By degree of the imperial line, you are to remain here until further decisions have been made as to your sentence,"_ Galdo informed them as they emerged from Prison Island's transporter. He added joyously as he did a little hop-skip, _"You're totally gonna die!"_

He groans.

Reyn, sitting at the long white table at the center of the room, throws his feet up. A cloud of dirt and mud and a strange mildew that the party doesn't even _want_ to know what it's from puffs up. Melia begins coughing as she waves her hand in the air.

"They must really be in the heat of debate if it's taking them this long," Xord comments from the window. His eyes dart across the night-cast Alcamoth—then a wistful sigh escapes his mouth.

"Or, you know, Kallian left to use the loo," Melia says.

Shulk belts out another groan.

* * *

Sharla snorts as she wakes up to dawn's rays of light throwing themselves over her face. "Come on, get up and make me eggs, Juju…" She pauses as she takes in her surroundings, then grunts. "Bummer."

Blinking, as if in a I-haven't-touched-a-bed-in-five-days stupor, Shulk twitches up an arm to itch his chest—only for his hand to touch hair instead.

He blinks again, squints, and itches the hair anyway. Melia croons in content as she shifts her position across his lap. Her legs lay sprawled across the Arachno Queen's hairy backside, and at Melia's movement, Xord, cocooned in Queenie's many arms, jerks to life like a Mechon toppled. "I didn't drink a drop, Dési, I swear!" Sharla glances at him with a humored smirk on her face. She reaches over to shake a snoring Reyn, who's totally collapsed in the chair next to her.

The only ones not to stir are Dunban and Riki, locked in a cuddle in a corner of the room. A flask hangs from Dunban's lips.

The doors fly open, making everyone not move whatsoever. The two men flop to the ground, and a High Entia guard trips over him with a sharp "Oooff!"

Alvis rolls his eyes at the sorry sight of the party as he strides in. "Pop quiz!" he bellows.

The group jumps to life.

"That always wakes them up," Alvis says with a chuckle. He kicks at Dunban before slapping Shulk, who mutters something about "his grand master plan" before shaking his head. "Get up. We have news from—"

"Dad's finally finished deliberating?!" Melia gasps as she throws her head up.

"No, I have news from—"

"Prince Kallian," Xord moans.

"Hogard," the Arachno Queen says.

"Mum," Reyn says.

"No," Alvis begins again, "I have news from—" As Sharla goes to open her mouth, he holds a hand up. "Stop interrupting me!"

"I was just about to tell you that you have a skid mark right on your whities. But," she says with a shrug, "I guess that's the trend of today, isn't it?"

Alvis squeals and grabs at his bum. "Why didn't they tell me?!"

"You got news from Galvin who told Galdo who told Hogard who told Lorithia that we're to be executed on the seventh rotation of faux-Saturn," Shulk says.

Stunned, Alvis replies, "Um, no. Aren't you suppose to be one with the Passage of Fate and all that?"

"Coffee first."

"Anyway," Alvis says in a chipped tone, "the consorts cut in on the debate within ten minutes of argument, dragged their husbands aside, and finished it for them. You're saved, but you're to be banished to Phallic Mountain."

Melia scratches at her head—she doesn't remember Kallian ever marrying. "Don't you mean _Valak_ Mountain?"

"No, Phallic Mountain," the seer deadpans. "They legally changed the name last month in an acid trip."

Reyn sniggers, only to duck down after Sharla tries slapping him.

"That's horrible!" Xord says. Then he cracks a grin. "Okay, that's actually pretty funny."

* * *

"Nope, not funny!" Xord leaps aside as the crystals next to the party explodes out with light that arcs to the sky. "Not funny at all!"

The crew, framed by the yellow light of the beams, merely looks up at the stars and sighs.

"Phallic much, Zanza?" Shulk asks wearily.

"Oi, they light up!" Reyn says. "Sharla, look, they glow! It's like my nightlight Dickson brought back from the Monado Expedition!"

"Mm, Riki hungry." Glancing toward the biggest crystal, Riki waddles over to it and sticks his tongue out. Melia grimaces at the sight and goes to say something, but as Shulk turns to her to mention how cute her outfit looked under the shadow of the Bionis, she turns away. "AHHH! AHHH! Crstal cod! No!" he screams. "Leggo oph Ripi!"

"Suck! Suck! Suck!" Dunban pipes up.

"Or blow." The Arachno Queen shrugs. "Not like I've ever mimicked movies before or anything."

The group pauses as they scout the snowy drifts up ahead. The landscape dips down into the most horrendous ski slope ever invented, and the frozen water goes past their knees. Whenever Riki skipped forward, a giant hole would follow.

"So…what do we exactly do here, again?" Dunban asks as he scratches at his head. "I thgink I missed that part of Alvis' directions."

Reyn, trying to hide his dumb grin, twists his mouth. "I _thgink_! Alvis just plain grazed over it as he stood there and cackled."

Sharla glances at Melia as she tries to imitate the seer's eccentric giggle, and Shulk busts up laughing. Oddly enough, this sounds much more like it.

"Well," The Arachno Queen brandishes a single leg as she scuttles forward. "I think we have to go back to the drawing board. What did our fanfic wet dream inserts do in _Xenoblade_?"

They all pause as they take in this question.

Reyn shrugs. "Didn't play it."

"We lived in Colony 9 and collected scrap the whole time?" Shulk suggests.

"No, man, that was all you."

"Oh. Really? I could have sworn…"

Dunban gasps. "Oh! Hahaaa, they meet Mumkhar! 'Mumkhar, you dirty traitor, ha, haha, swings sword, KA-CHOW!'" With a strangled shriek, Shulk barely ducks away from the man's crazed air slashes. "So we're gonna go see ol' Mumkie, goodie, I haven't seen him since the Battle of Sword Valley!"

"Oh _great_ ," Xord replies sarcastically. "Good ol' Mumkie."

As a Faced Mechon lands in the distance, Dunban lets loose a scream of delight as he runs forward. "Mumkie, my old friend!"

"Are you even remembering the Battle of Sword Valley right?" He groans and follows. "This is gonna _suck_!"

Melia bends down and plants her hands firmly onto Riki's fluffy sides. Then, with a heave and a heeled boot on his back, the Nopon was free and in terrible pain, just terrible.

The party has to drag themselves over to when Dunban sprints in a strange, lopsided, swaying way before collapsing in the snow. Reyn wrenches him out before chucking him onto the Arachno Queen, who lets out shrieks of revulsion.

The Faced Mechon's metal plating causes the group to shield their eyes. Then—it's entire front peels back!

"That Mechon is opening!"

"Oh my _GOSH_!" Xord screams.

As a little man jumps out, Dunban lowers his hand and gasps, and Sharla does as well. "Who's…that?!" she says.

"Mumkie!" The Homs pathetically slips from Queenie's back in an attempt to hop off with dignity. "Mumkie, what took you so long getting back to—"

" _Mumkie_?" the Core Unit says. He stoops over, dusts off his bum, and straightens. "Who's that? Sounds like a freak." Pausing as he takes in his surroundings, he suddenly lifts his shoulders. "Hey, Sharla!"

And then the crew could see the obscenity spray-painted onto the front of the Face. Dunban falls down again and makes no effort to stand.

Sharla can only stare.

"Whaz up, I haven't seen you in, like, nine months!" The Core Unit, donning a colorful helmet, waves enthusiastically.

Sharla can't stop staring.

"Oh, I know, it's the helmet, isn't it? It muffles everything I say an' all. You just didn't hear me!" The diminutive man plants two prosthetic hands on the sides of his head and pulls the mask off— "Hey, Sharla!" —revealing a skeleton Juju, beauty mark and all, grinning insanely at them. Permed red hair flanks his bony cheeks, and some leftover flesh _tunks_ down into the snow at his feet.

Sharla can do nothing but stare.

"Oh my Bionis, it's the brat!" Reyn exclaims.

"Who's this?!" Shulk demands as he strides over and jabs a thumb into Juju's sternum.

Juju keeps up that toothy grin as robotic eyes _click click click_ from inside hollow eye sockets. He finally reaches a hand up—and itches at his beauty mark. His fingertip _scritches_ against raw bone. "Whaz up, man? Egg told me all about you, heard you were the worst Core Unit he's ever made! Not even Gadolt was able to top you!"

"GADOLT?!" Sharla finally breaks out of her stupor. "JUJU?! DO ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE GET TURNED INTO FACED MECHON?!" Beat. "Well." She lifts her shoulders in a half-shrug.

"You still have me," Reyn says. Sharla smiles and cuddles into his arm, and his face glows with a pleased warmth.

Shulk growls and hisses, but he stops when Sharla strides over to his side. "Juju?"

"Yes, Sharla?"

"Ugh!" The woman slaps him. "That's for not helping the refugees, you selfish Gogol!"

The Arachno Queen cackles at that.

"Ugh, fine, I'll…go and fix dinner!" The boy storms off to sulk in a little corner of Phallic Mountain. "I should have just stayed on the Mechonis!"

"You should have just stayed with the sick, dying, elderly, young, and wimpy! Now no one can rebuild Colony 6!"

"Aw crap, I forgot about Colony 6 in my flight of freedom!"

" _That was the only use you had in the game_!" Sharla says as she makes a very Vangarre-like gesture.

"I know!"

Melia glances at Reyn, then Shulk. "Should we…I don't know…hitch a ride on his Mechon?" She twists her mouth into a grin.

"Dude, let's do it!" Reyn whoops and leaps into the machine whilst Juju has his back turned as he pouts. "Erm…" He stands up to let Melia pilot.

As the crew piles into and onto Slug Face, Sharla takes one last look at Juju before patting his head and leaping in. "See you, Juju!"

He whirls around, and while his skeleton face keeps on smiling, his tone is dumbfounded. "What?! But…but… That was my new buggy!"

"Too bad, kid, your license just got revoked!" Reyn says. What sounds like a high-five is heard through the intercom.

"Um, Reyn," Shulk says, "we don't need a license to pilot a Faced Mechon."

"Geez, is that dangerous or what?!"

From the head of Slug Face, the Arachno Queen cheers, "To Galahad Fortress!"

"To Sword Valley!" Dunban hiccups. "And a wall full of Mechonis Mark!"

"To the rehab center," Xord snips back, "and a hepatectomy!"

"WHYYYYYYYYYY?!" Juju screams from the cold snow.


	28. Project ONION

When we last left our heroes, the crew was kicked out of Alcamoth and banished to Phallic Mountain. There, they're ambushed by the sickening, the diabolical, the stomach-clenching, eye-watering—Slug Face. Slug Face joyously revealed himself to be none other than Juju, the brat of Colony 6. After giving him a lecture (distraction), Sharla allows Reyn's merry band of eccentrics time to steal his Faced Mechon, and the party decides to go to the Mechonis as a total spur-of-the-moment thing. As they don't care whether everything is right as Reyn or not, the crew doesn't realize the drama they're flying into…

"WHYYYY! WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN?!"

Fiora pauses as she goes to hop out of Face Nemesis, parked back in Central Factory. The screams, floating all the way down from Agniritha, are loud enough to be certain whose voice that was.

And she has to be debriefed by him.

With a groan, she drags herself over to the teleporter, then up the path to the capital.

"VANEA! GET ME MY FACE! I WILL HUNT HIM DOWN MYSELF!"

"Egil, the director's not a—," Vanea's weak voice tries to protest.

"NO! HE MUST BE!"

Fiora tries to hide herself, but her leader spots her anyway. "Aw, crap," she mutters.

"Face Nemesis!" Egil says. His shadow looms over her. "I need you." His tone shifts from raging and booming to weak, weak and pathetic.

"What?" she utters. As he fully comes into view, she can see that the man's eyes are bloodshot and swollen, and he clutches an entire fistful of moist tissues in his left hand. "Oh, dude, what happened?"

"Vanea made me go and watch _Breaking Juju: Part 5_!" The girl staggers back as a sobbing Egil collapses in her arms. His entire body shakes. "It was horrible, the imprinting was so sad!"

"I'm sorry, Egil." Fiora begins rocking the man back and forth.

"I AM GOING TO SNAP THAT DIRECTOR'S NECK WITH MY INNER THIGHS! THAT— THAT— THAT NEEUQ ONHCARA!" he snarls. "I have been working them out just for this moment!"

Vanea peers around the corner. "Sorry, I should have warned you."

"You darn right!" Fiora replies.

"HE MUST BE A MEMBER OF ZANZA'S TRIAD OF TERROR!" Egil continues to rant.

With a sigh, Fiora rubs Egil's back. "I should have stayed with Shulk."

* * *

"Okay." Egil, sitting at the head chair in a meeting room in the First Control Platform, tries to straighten, and he snivels. Scowling, he wipes at his red eyes one last time before turning his gaze to an orange panel, complete with a Dance Apple OS. He tries to poke at an icon on the dock, then growls when it doesn't do anything and begins stabbing his nail into it. Vanea leans across him, grabs his finger, bends it, and plants his fingertip firmly on the surface. "Oh, there we go."

"Trim your nails, brother."

"Project ONION's too important for self-care," he replies.

With a sniff, the Machina woman recoils and coughs. "Yeah."

As Xafari opens up, Egil cracks his knuckles and looks across the table. The blank faces of Fiora and Gadolt stare back at him. "Okay, so here is my plan." He opens to a livestream Xenotube video of Slug Face soaring through the air, complete with a spider clinging to its smooth backside. At the bottom of the video feed was a little name—Soongalle—along with a viewcount of 10. "The closer those Bionis nits come to the Mechonis, the further they'll drift apart, aha, ahahahahah! HAHAHAHAH— Aha—!" He breaks down hacking. "I still have to clean this place up."

Vanea sighs.

"Anyway, you two have already seen the truth about our world. Soon, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics will as well! Already Shulk has infiltrated their ranks; now, all we must do is wait." Smirking, Egil puts his legs up on the table. "My grand master plan is ready to unfold! Project ONION!"

Gadolt looks under his fingernails and snorts. "Where did you get that name? A name generator?"

Egil stops, stammers, then laughs guiltily. "It means, it means, umhm, _ohhh, yes_ , it stands for Order Non-Compos-Mentis Inception Odd Neurosis!" There's silence across the room. Egil continues on uninhibited. "We will peel back all of Zanza's misconceptions from them, layer by layer, until there's nothing left but a bad stench! Lady Meyneth would be so proud of me," Egil says, wiping a pleased tear from his eye.

Fiora smirks.

"I still have no idea what this plan even is supposed to be," Gadolt says uncomfortably.

"We turn all the Bionis creatures into Mechon, and that makes everyone come to our side because of their sheer cuteness alone!" Egil exclaims. "What _don't_ you get from Order Non-Compos-Mentis Inception Odd Neurosis?!"

 _"_ _O-oh my gosh, I've been lied to my whole life! If Bunnivs are from the Mechonis, then that means that I've gotta respect my childhood pet Bunniv's life and join the Mechonis! See ya, losers!"_

 _"_ _Even a Bunnia wouldn't be as soft and fluffy as the history textbooks make us think. They're…cold, mechanical creations we've been fighting this entire time. My friend…Krabbie…was a Mechon."_

"Ohhhhhhh," Gadolt replies.

"Then how'd you wrangle in me and Shulk?!" Fiora says.

Egil shrugs. "You two did that to yourselves." Vanea's gaze wanders to him as she mouths something, and the two grin in tandem. "Ha!" he barks. Fiora cocks her head. "Oh, yeah, no, Metal Face did that to you two. I can't believe I forgot about that buffoon!"

"We should have kept him as a janitor at least," Vanea comments.

Egil does that shrug again. "Eh. We'll get this place cleaned up one day."

Fiora says, "What's the plan, then?"

"Contact Face Blemishes, who'll lure the crew straight to Galahad Fortress," Egil says.

Fiora glances at the video feed. "I think they're already heading that direction."

"What?" He looks down to where she stares. "Oh, wow, what idiots! Did he do anything at all?" The man begins to poke his sister in the arm.

"I didn't receive any transmissions or logs from Face Blemishes," Vanea says, swatting Egil's fingernails away. "And, to be honest, I don't think we will."

"Then who suggested it?!"

"I believe the Arachno Queen did, Egil."

"Oh. _Oh_." He begins laughing. "Ah, that's great."

The Machina woman furrows her brow—Egil's starting to get sidetracked again, and when he gets sidetracked… Well, the last time he did so, he went off on the most detailed canonical record for _Bionicle_ , only to get stares from the Core Units who didn't even know what on Mechonis he was talking about. "Soon all of the Bionis' creatures will be ours?" Vanea offers in an act of desperation. It's not like she minds _Bionicle_ —no, she quite likes it, in fact—but she just hates seeing her brother's childhood love and passion get crushed by non-understanding, uncaring looks from the newer generations.

Egil, like a true antagonist, doesn't even falter at his reply. "SOON, ALL OF THE BIONIS' CREATURES WILL BE OURS! AHA, AHAHAHA, AHAHAHA—"

Egil collapses on the table, and Vanea absentmindedly pats his back as he coughs.

* * *

The day Shulk is to fulfill Egil's mission for him, he thinks, is the day that Zanza leaves for good.

Today, he thinks, is that day.

It's a bit of an odd emotion; either Zanza is off sulking somewhere deep in the recesses of his gut, or he's just plain gone, and Shulk's not sure what to feel about that. There's a small part of him that is cheering, but the larger part of him is shouting, and it won't stop getting louder: " _What a Dickson to just go off like that_!"

Here Shulk is, stuck on this stupid journey and out away from his precious scrap yard, all because Dickson had to go and bring back the Monado—he always knew it was evil, always! And now it's gone—yippee!—but now so is Zanza. The weapons developer still hopes that he's around. Somewhere. At least just to drag his share of the weight; after all, he was the one to start this whole thing to begin with, and he's leaving Shulk with all the work!

Either way, a grown adult has just decided to sulk like a child probably in Memory Space somewhere, and no matter what occurs, Shulk has had enough. Loathe he is to admit it, once finally free from Zanza's influence, the boy actually quite liked Egil's whole world-domination plan. Not the world-domination bit—that's a bit dry for his tastes—but the whole I'm-gonna-make-everything-and-everyone-into-machines part of the plan.

It's _brilliant_.

"Hey, umhm, maybe we should land the Face," Shulk suggests. "You know, see the sights before we—"

"Oh? Shook, you wanted to see Sword Valley?" Melia asks, turning around in the pilot seat and removing her hand from the control panel. The Faced Mechon veers sharply to the right, and the entire group shoved inside the machine screams. She hastily grabs at the controls once again. "I can always turn it around!"

Reyn, crushed in a corner of the Face's interior, looks up from Sharla's arms. She holds a bag. "No way, man, I've had enough of this ride," he says.

"Wait, you're saying we already went past it?!" Shulk gasps. There goes his plan of baiting a fortress unit to take them all captive.

As she rubs Reyn's back, Sharla says, "Let's get off at Galahad Fortress, like what the Arachno Queen first suggested." She gives a quick glance to Melia, as if saying, "I'll help you make it up to him."

Melia grins as her eyes fly open in hopefulness. Shulk muses over this, then reluctantly agrees.

"Well, you know that Galahad Fortress is famous for its dating spots, right?" Xord comments from Melia's feet. The girl darts her gaze down to him. "Well, for Mechon, at least, but… I mean…" He shrugs nonchalantly. "It tends to get really packed around Valentine's Day. It's quite the scenic spot for wedding photos."

The girl licks her lips hungrily.

The Face jolts again mid-flight, but this time, Melia was in perfect control.

As they fly, Shulk mentally contacts Vanea, and he shoots her a quick IM: "Bringing crew to Galahad, prepare an army, heart-heart-griffin-poop-Lorithia." He smirks as he sends it.

* * *

Vanea pauses and straightens. Egil, by her side, stops speaking and turns to her, and the two Core Units across from them perk up.

The Machina woman leans across from her brother to check the console screen, and her lips turn up in a smile—then down in a frown. Egil reads the IM and groans. "But I don't have an army!" he exclaims.

"We have two Face Units," Vanea replies.

"No, no, Gadolt won't do!"

Gadolt says, "What?!"

"And Fiora's too close to Reyn's merry band of eccentrics, she'll just pitch off Galahad Fortress and join them!"

Fiora says, "What?! How did you know! Oh, er…" She clears her throat and straightens in her seat.

"Besides," Vanea says, "she has Mey— Um, Meynitous! A common Core Unit disease, I'll get her fixed up straightaway."

Hurrying, the woman stands and drags Fiora out of the room. "I don't have anything like that!"

"Yes, you do! You are just delirious!"

"Oh, come on, I want in on all the action, too!"

"Nope, you are too important to die."

"Then why did you deploy me in the first place?!"

"I had nothing to do with that. Majestic Mordred played around with the controls when I wasn't looking."

"Oh, Meyneth."

"Oh, your Meynitous, it's spreading everywhere!"

"Ugh!"

Egil can only stare as they rush down the staircase. "I wonder if Lady Meyneth is still alive. Oh, well." He shrugs. Giving a glance at Gadolt, the Machina cracks a stupid grin that rivals that of his fraternity self all those eons ago. "Hey, I got a surprise for you."

"Really?" The Colony 6 soldier is unamused, to say the least.

"How about we have a guys' night, just for ourselves? We'll be the ones to head to Galahad Fortress and intercept the mostly Bionis dwellers!"

"Really?" Gadolt repeats, folding his arms. "You said that I wouldn't do."

"Yeah, no, when you say that…" Egil's expression softens to disappointment, but then he snaps his fingers. Excitement lights his face. "I got it. Come on, now I have a real surprise for you…"

* * *

Gadolt grumbles inside his Faced Mechon. "What am I doing in here again?"

Blinking mildly, Egil glances up from a control panel and looks into the glass of the Face Maintenance Bay. "I'm manipulating your memories so we can still have our fraternity night because you ruined it by bringing up my Freudian slip. Why does Vanea get to have all the fun?"

"You're joking, right?"

"No, I never joke about this kind of stuff," Egil replies in a serious tone. Then he busts up laughing. "This is actually going to be really funny."

"I thought you said this wasn't a joke!"

"Oh, no, it isn't. Remember when you escaped your Mechonis Field maintenance duties and went a played _Xenoblade 2_ with my Mechon?"

"Aw, crap," Gadolt mutters.

"Mm-hm. It should be rated M, you Monado wet-dream fanboy!" Egil leans across the control panel as he snarls this.

"But Pyra—!"

" _But Pyra_ nothing! Don't you have a fiancée? Another woman?"

"Well, _yeah_ , but—"

"And I thought Zanza was bad! How about I give you Pyra! You'll never remember Sharla again, she'll find another man!"

"Oh Bunnits," the man says. Egil activates the machines and begins probing his memories. Jade Face starts screaming. "Okay, this is more painful than I thought! Ow, ow, _hey_!" he snaps.

Egil recoils. With a shudder, the Machina man stretches his arms out, cracks his knuckles, shivers once more, then goes back to the dirty deed. "Oh, are there are things in here!" he says.

"I didn't say I was perfect!"

"Sharla outta blush at what's lurking in your mind." Egil smirks, and Jade Face raises his hands to cover his face. "Or, you know, what was that horrible thing in your mind? POW! I don't remember."

As Egil mentally starts deleting Gadolt's memories, the Homs wails—but not in pain. "Son of a Dickson, that's my favorite!"

"I bet that is. KE-YAW!"

"But wait, no, save that—"

"COWABUNGA!"

"Oh, _come on_!"

 **ang4133: A Youtube series for this would be so amazing, what an awesome idea! Thank you! :)**


	29. Any Old Tom, Dick, and Harry

When we last left our heroes, Egil has finally revealed his grand master plan: Project Order Non-Compos-Mentis Inception Odd Neurosis! He prefers Project ONION—if anything, to avoid the fact that he came up with the acronym before the actual title itself. In a fit of rage, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics has taken to spamming the author's computer with too many "It's Reyn Time to update!" and "You have wrist pain? Heal Round!" comments. They took it too far with a screensaver change to Shulk and Fiora snogging. A line has been crossed. This is no longer funny.

Yaldabaoth and Jade Face hunch into Galahad Fortress. The Machina man casts him an excited look, only for the top of his head to catch on the ceiling.

Jade Face sighs as he looks up at where Yaldabaoth struggles to get free. "FACE IT, YOUR FACE IS TOO GRANDIOSE TO FIT DOWN HERE." Then he stops. "OH, THAT'S PUNNY. THAT'S A BAD PUN." The man grimaces inside the Faced Mechon.

"YOU'VE BEEN MAKING THOSE SINCE WE CAME DOWN HERE, NOW CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?"

"LOOK, I REALLY DON'T THINK WE CAN STAY DOWN HERE AND WAIT FOR THE ECCENTRICS TO WALK INTO OUR TRAP. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GET STUCK MIDWAY THROUGH BATTLE, AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GET CREAMED."

"SO WILL YOU," Yaldabaoth says indignantly as he yanks his head free.

"I'LL BE GONE BY THEN."

"YOU DIRTY MUMKHAR."

The Face laughs. "I KNOW. LOOK, WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE FORTRESS DEPTHS?" he suggests.

"E-EH, YOU SURE? UMHM, I THINK IT IS STILL TOO SMALL, YES! I REMEMBER THE SPECS PERFECTLY NOW, IT IS DEFINITELY TOO SMALL TO HOLD US!" Yaldabaoth nods along to this.

"WE'D BE OUTSIDE," Jade Face grumbles. "I THINK WE'LL BE FINE. BESIDES, AT LEAST OUT THERE I WON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR SMELL!"

"I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO USE YALDABAOTH IN YEARS, DON'T BLAME ME THAT HE STILL SMELLS LIKE MOTHBALLS!" Yaldabaoth says. "VANIE MADE ME PUT HIM INTO STORAGE ALONG WITH THE REST OF MY COSPLAY COSTUMES!" Egil's grand Faced Mechon begins scooting forward on its stomach, and an outcry is ripped from the man's throat. "HE'S GETTING SCUFF MARKS!"

"HO' BOY."

* * *

As the two Faced Mechon land in the Fortress Depths, Jade Face sighs and stretches as Yaldabaoth shrieks something incoherent out and holds up his hands. "WHO MADE THIS HIDEOUS THING IN THE SKY?! IT'S SO BRIGHT!"

Jade Face's sighs escalate into groans, though he composes himself as Reyn's merry band of eccentrics obliviously walk into the bottom of Galahad Fortress and a trap. "QUICK, PROJECT ONION!"

"AHHH! PROJECT ONION!" Yaldabaoth snaps to attention, and, inside the Mechon, Egil cracks a dumb smile at the Homs and not Homs' expressions.

The party glances up and stumbles back, and they begin running toward the other end of the platform. "Two scary mechon!" Riki cries out. "This is like Riki's bad dreams when Riki was a littlepon!"

"HAHAHA," Yaldabaoth cackles, "PROJECT ONION IS A GO! TELL ME, MERE BIONIS DWELLERS, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE CRUSHED UNDER THE GRIP OF THE MECHONIS' TRUE STRENGTH! I BET IT SUCKS, I WOULD NOT KNOW!"

"Really?" Shulk deadpans. "I'm on your side here, I led them straight to you!"

Yaldabaoth shrugs at that. "DETAILS. ANWHO—OOA, XORD?"

"Ah, crap," Xord says. He slinks behind the Arachno Queen, who purrs. "Hide me, quick."

"COME ON, MAN, NO GREETING CARD? NO, 'I AM REALLY NOT DEAD, EGIL, SO DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HIRING MUMKHAR TO ORGANIZE MY FUNERAL'? SERIOUSLY, I MISSED YOU!"

"Wait, what?"

"YEAH, WE HAD SUCH GOOD TIMES! WE HAD OUR BRO TALKS IN THE MAN CAVE VANEA DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT, WE HOSTED FRAT PARTIES FOR ALL THE MECHON!"

"Eh, well, more like you did the hosting, I hid in a corner of the room muttering a soothing mantra to myself."

Yaldabaoth does not hear this. "THAT IS WHY I TURNED YOUR OLD BUDDIES, SO YOU HAD GOOD TIMES AGAIN!"

"Oh, gosh!"

Sharla gapes her mouth as she clutches here ether rifle tighter. "Wait, what?! You're making more like Xord and Juju?!"

"And me too!" Shulk says.

Yaldabaoth continues that tiny cackle of his. "OHHH, YES, PROJECT ORDER NON-COMPOS-MENTIS INCEPTION ODD NEUROSIS! I WOULD GIVE YOU AN EXPLANATION, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT IT WILL BE WASTED UPON YOUR GOOD EARS. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOW YOU IN EPIC BUT EQUALLY CRUEL DEMONSTRATIONS! I-I HAVE NEVER CORE UNIT-FIED AN ARACHNO BEFORE, THOUGH…" He pauses as a doubtful tone creeps into his voice. "WELL, FIRST TIMES FOR EVERYTHING!"

The group gasps, though Melia's was more in delight. "You mean you're gonna make me more like Shulk?"

"I GUESS, YEAH."

"You make it sound like any old Tom, Dick, and Harry can just become these Core Unit thingys!" Reyn cries out.

"OH, YEAH, NO, WE ALREADY TURNED THOSE GUYS," Yaldabaoth says with a shrug.

Xord, in surprise, turns to the three Core Units in the corner throwing down cards, and he perks up. "Oi! Tom, Dick, Harry!"

The three men glance his direction, and one wipes at his mouth before perking up. "It's the Marathon!" At his words, the other two toss down their cards and scramble to their feet, and all three head over to the blacksmith. "Dude, I haven't seen you in like, twenty years!"

Xord smirks as he looks at the pile of cans and empty pizza roll bags strewn all over the floor of the fortress. Folding his arms, he says, "I really can't tell."

"How's it been, man? You still have the record!" Dick slaps a taken aback Xord's hand before laughing. "Yeah, we tried. So hard."

With a glance at his "friends" and grimacing, Xord shivers. "Wow, so impressive… You know that it's been twenty years, right?" he deadpans.

"Yep!"

Melia sniffs the air, then coughs thinly. "Xord, you joined a fraternity? Smells like one," she notes.

"Uh…yeah…" he replies. "Twenty-years' me joined a fraternity. You know those times in life when you have regrets? That was one of those times."

Yaldabaoth reaches down and pokes Xord's arm. "I SO UNDERSTAND, MAN. I MEAN, NOT ABOUT THE FRATERNITY PART OF IT, BUT THE WHOLE I-TURNED-MAN-CHILDREN-INTO-CORE-UNITS THING. I GET IT." Then he chuckles. "MAN, MY FRATERNITY WAS SOME OF THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE."

"Yeah, I know."

"So, Marathon! You ready to rekindle the magic and reform the Fanblastic Four?" The Arachno Queen pads over to Xord and hisses straight in the face of Harry. He recoils away as Tom cackles and points an unsteady finger his way. "Ew, who's this?" Harry says.

"My fiancée!" Xord replies loudly.

Everyone pauses. Queenie nuzzles her head into the man's arm. "Yes, yes, I do, Xordy, yes."

Xord pats her head with a smile before kicking Tom in the face. He keeps the smile dancing on his lips.

As Tom staggers backward, Harry advances.

Yaldabaoth steps aside and crashes down on the floor. "THIS IS GREAT, HANG ON, JADE FACE, I GOTTA WATCH THIS."

With a sigh, Jade Face sits down next to him. "YOU SAID THIS WAS GOING TO BE FUN."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS FUN, I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! NOT EVEN SET UP A BOSS FIGHT AND AN IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE BETWEEN ME AND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!"

As "Riki the Legendary Heropon" kicks up in the background, the party grabs their weapons and prepares for the stupidest boss fight ever: defeating Tom, Dick, and Harry.

"You're choosing a girl over the Fanblastic Four, Marathon?!" Dick says as he pulls out twin katanas and slashes them in the air.

Xord ducks. "Uh, yeah, that's what I just said."

"She's not even a girl, she's a gross Arachno, I doubt she can even think!" Tom belts. Harry nods, only to get Xord's boot in his nostril.

" _Oh_ , that's it!" With a snarl, Xord leaps in the air, pulls out his hefty blacksmithing hammer, and slams it against his palm. "You can insult me all you'd like, but not my lady!"

The Arachno Queen latches onto Dick's face, and he shrieks like he's some grand victim of a space horror movie. He collapses under her weight, and the Queen nestles her legs on top of him in an act of pure content. "I can think of a lot of things right now," she says.

"Dicky!" Tom screams. He advances toward the Arachno Queen with a half-empty bottle. She, with a glance at Xord in the corner of her eye, only smirks as she watches him advance. The man's animalistic scream cuts out as Xord tackles him.

Shulk sniggers from the sidelines as he nudges Reyn, whose mouth is gaped. Sharla cries out and shoots several healing rounds in the air—not for Xord: the author's wrists.

 **"** **AAAHHHhhhHHhhhHHhh! AHHhHhHHhhHhhhH!"**

"Keep writing, I'm on the edge of my seat!" she exclaims.

 **"** **Just promise me you'll never change my screensaver again!"**

The woman cackles and slaps Reyn's outstretched hand. From beside her, Melia scowls. "I thought you were on my side," she hisses. As if protective of the boy, she reaches out and loops her hand in Shulk's elbow, and he jumps but doesn't do anything to stop her. Pleased, she croons and nuzzles in.

Sharla shrugs and mouths back, "Just to get under their skin."

"Ohhh. Heheh, good one."

"It was the Arachno Queen's idea," the woman replies. "I just executed the plan."

"Great job, girl."

From her nest that's Dick, Queenie rubs the back of her head sheepishly. "Xord put me up to it."

"Oh. Fantastic idea, Goard."

"It wasn't me," Xord calls from the other side of the room, where he's busy trying to drag Tom's unconscious body out of the way of the ensuing battle. "Er, Riki put me up to it." As he looks down at his old fraternity rival, he mutters, "Don't wanna trip or anythin'."

"Good job, Reki!" Melia says with a blustered exhale.

"Ohhh, Riki wishes he could take credit, but it was HomHom who gave Riki idea!" The Nopon hops toward Shulk, who groans and slaps his face. "Does Riki get Rainbow Slug now?"

The princess perks up, her energy restored. "Oh, so it was Shulk who did it?"

"Reyn put me up to it!" Shulk snarls.

"That's it, I give up," Melia says. "Let me guess, Dudban came up with the idea in one of his drunken fits." Dunban blinks and shifts from his silence near the doorway, then shakes his head and lets out a dying moan of agony.

Reyn, who was attracted to the scent of pizza rolls, shrugs from beside Xord. Before responding, he shoves another pizza roll into his mouth. "Mmph, no, but he convinced me to go thorough with it. I was jus' gonna give Eagleflame a hard time, yeah? You know, 'Reyn Time to update' stuff. These are great, Xord."

"They're better warm," the man responds.

Reyn tosses the plastic bag and licks his lips. "You sure?"

Meanwhile, Harry, rushing toward the two men, stumbles before slipping on an empty bag of pizza rolls. "Ooff!" Xord cracks up. "That's not funny, I won't be able to sit down for a week!"

Harry goes to stand, only to stop as Xord plants his calloused finger against the man's sternum and shoves him back down. The frat boy's shriek was unlike anything the author could even put into words.

"Ha! We won!" Xord proclaims, high-fiving Reyn.

Shulk, with a dumb grin from watching all this happen, glances at Melia and thinks to himself, "This is way better then that Fiora!" As he stares at the princess, his eyes catch a slim figure slipping out of a doorway a few meters past Melia's shoulder. A groan escapes him. " _Fiora_!" he says.

Fiora stops and gives the Core Unit a glare that practically drips with slime. "Don't mess this up for me again!" she mouths.

" _Hey, Fiora_!" Shulk shouts deliberately.

The girl screams with frustration as Egil perks up and stumbles to his feet. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOUR MEYNITOUS IS GOING TO SPREAD EVERYWHERE!"

"Are you kidding me, I just escaped Vanea!" she says to no one in particular.

"COME ON, COME ON, JUST GET BACK INSIDE…" Yaldabaoth gently pushes her back to the door. Fiora begins to wheel around to the edge of the platform, and the Machina lets out this childlike shriek. "COME ON, FACE BLEMISHES! HELP ME OUT HERE!"

Shulk holds his hands up. "What? No way, man, I'm not getting Meynitous."

"YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!"

"I don't need to. I've seen your reaction. That's all I need."

Fiora stops with her heels dangling on the edge. She clasps her hands behind her back and cracks a sickned grin. "Come on, you wouldn't let me fall, right?"

"BUT I NEED YOU TO HELP ME WATCH _X-MEN_!"

"No way, man, I'm not doing it anymore!"

Shulk grits his teeth. "Hang on, Melly. Fiora!" He storms over to the girl. "I've been doing my part this whole time and you're telling me you're gonna shrink your work? That's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair! That's what Brother told me," she says. "He said that the women do all the work, so guess what? You can suck it, Shulk, I'm not making sandwiches anymore! I'm gonna go out in the world and have adventures, and it's going to be fun, I won't be shoved off to the side of this plot yet again!"

"How do you even know you're gonna survive this drop?!" The boy's voice cracks as he gestures to the cold air below them. "The odds are—"

"Shulk, I have something you don't."

"And what is that? Woman's intuition?"

"Genre savviness!"

She falls backward.

Letting out an enraged scream, Shulk leaps off the platform edge and grabs at her. Their bickering fades off into awkward silence.

Yaldabaoth leans over the side before straightening. Without warning, Egil leaps out of his Face and does a temper tantrum. "Are you kidding me?! I knew, it, I _knew_ it! Why did I know this was going to happen?!"

Reyn says, "I guess you just have genre savviness."

"Shut up!"

Jade Face sighs yet again—he feels like he's been doing that a lot recently. "I GUESS THERE GOES OUR FRATERNITY NIGHT." Egil turns and glares at him. "LOOK, YOU WANT TO PLAY _XENOBLADE 2_ OR SOMETHING…?"

"Do you want to drool over Pyra or something?" the Machina snarks back. "Fine, I have nothing better to do. Let's go home." He stalks off.

The group can only stare.

Xord comments, "Some lover's lane. What a waste."


	30. The Return of Tetsuya Takahashi

**Me and a few others have been working on an abridged-in-progress for** ** _Shin Megami Tensei IV_** **. If you have any ideas on what to add (or just general hype if you're really feeling it!), feel free to PM me or leave a review! I value your thoughts!**

 **For every Galahad Fortress scene, cue "Riki the Legendary Heropon."**

When we last left our heroes, Egil cornered the intrepid Bionis dwellers for the first time. Things fly off the hinges, however, when Egil's best efforts to bring Xord back into their neo-fraternity turned into an all-out brawl between the blacksmith and his "old friends," Tom, Dick, and Harry. Shulk catches Fiora using this battle as her chance to escape the Mechonis; the two pitch off Galahad Fortress together out of sheer spite. While the others would like nothing more but to leave this horrible lover's lane the safe way, Melia has another idea: follow the plot.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Shulk pauses to let his screams sink in. Of course, if he were really falling, he won't even be able to scream. So, like the scientist he is, he made certain to wait until he landed to get it all out.

"AHHhhhhhHHhhh!" He sighs in relief. "That feels good. Mm-'kay…" Standing, he groans and cracks his back as good as Sharla. "Let's see… Fiora is…"

His blue eyes glance off in the direction of the shore, where Fiora lies limp on top of a rock.

"Totally stoned. Okay!" Shulk slaps his hands together, exhales, and falters. His eyes follow the landscape as it gradates into soil and dying grass, and with every shift of his body, sand crunches underfoot. A lone Bionis creature dips its head down to eat at the grass alongside a rusted Mechon. "Oh, bollocks, I'm stranded on the Fallen Arm."

* * *

"So!" Melia brandishes her staff down the edge of Galahad Fortress. The others all look down at where she points: utter nothingness.

"It's cold," is all Reyn replies with.

"I know, Brine."

"It's scary.

Dunban exhales. "So we just watched Shulk throw himself off of this ledge. I say, preserve the Homs species and _not_ follow his example. Reyn, if Shulk told you to jump off the main entrance to Colony 9 with him, would you?" The man asks this as if it's a test—his final, fetal attempt to sound like a mentor.

"Um, yeah?" Reyn replies.

Dunban slaps his face and sighs.

"Riki agree with Dundun! But Shulk never asked Riki to jump off bridge with homhom, so Riki leap!" Riki jumps off and cackles like a tiny toddler.

The entire crew is silent. "Uh—" Xord starts. His voice blusters off. "The Nopon has a point."

"I was getting there," Melia states simply. "I say, follow the plot!" She dramatically re-points her staff down to the sharp plummet below. "In _Xenoblade_ , Shulk is the plot, henceforth! we follow the plot—him!" The others stare at her as if they have no idea what she was going on about. "Oh, come on, if Kalley was here, he'd get what I'm trying to say!"

Sharla glances behind her as if expecting Kallian to just appear. Then she shudders. "Well, I'm too genre savvy. Anyone got any other ideas?"

* * *

"We could lead Hogard to find the Monado, and I'll body-hop to him and restart up the cycle!"

Alvis simply stares at Zanza as he declares this. Then he sighs. "Hogard is dead, Lord Zanza."

Zanza's face glows for a split moment—he programmed Alvis to always call him "Lord Zanza" while he was still the supercomputer ALVIS—but a scowl soon replaces it. "So? That hasn't stopped me before."

Alvis says, "I saw that smirk on your face."

"What? No, no, I was just—"

"You thought back to when you made me call you Lord Zanza, didn't you?"

" _Ha_! What, no!"

"You Dickson."

 _"_ _Run these reports for me, ALVIS," Klaus says with a sly smile as he completes the scans on his computer._

 _"_ _Right away, Lord Zanza."_

 _An older man with glasses and brown hair theaded with silver looks up at this. His searching eyes reach Klaus, and the younger scientist's beam grows larger—and equally suspicious._

 _"_ _What did you program that computer to say?!" the man booms as he stands._

 _"_ _It roleplays with me," Klaus replies, "It's quite fun!"_

 _"_ _You dick—"_

Zanza, unamused, stares at Alvis.

"You filed away what my supervisor said, didn't you?"

"It was quite clear he said, 'Dickson.' I only wanted to make certain that I had a good comeback." Alvis says this matter-of-factly. "Besides, I truly don't give two craps what you wish to do, and quite honestly, seeing you try to reanimate Hogard would certainly make my day. I am more concerned with our dear author than your macho."

Zanza coughs something out. "We have an author?"

"Yes, not everything revolves around you. They want to go ahead and advance the plot too far for my tastes." A pause. A smile slips to Alvis' lips. "I took the liberty of looking into the Passage of Fate for you."

"Whoa, wait-wait-wait. No, we don't have an—"

"You're in denial."

" _No_ , I'm not in denial!"

"You've been in denial for eons on even your own life. You're not a god, Lord Zanza. Don't ask me the science behind what happened to you besides your own sheer stubbornness to survive."

Crossing his arms, Zanza sniffs, "That's what Shulk said."

"Oh, is that why you came here—to _shulk_?"

"No puns, we made that clear as soon as you became sentient!" the man says.

Alvis only smirks. "Then I suppose you will just let the author take over _your_ current cycle."

"Not on my watch! That is not happening, nun-uh!"

Exhaling, the AI says, "I do have one other option."

* * *

"Wait—just fall anyway? Isn't this what we were just discussing?" Reyn asks.

The Arachno Queen bickers back, "Well, I truly don't see any other ideas on the table."

"Riki did jump, after all. Can't just leave him hanging." Xord kicks at the edge with his boot before shrugging. "Doesn't look like too bad of a fall."

Sharla stammers something out, and she turns around as Reyn taps her shoulder. "If we gotta go, you know, wanna go together?" he offers, extending out his hand. She smiles and takes it, and Melia shoves the two off with a slack grin.

"I'm…not too gung ho over this whole thing…" Queenie keeps glancing at the door that leads back inside Galahad Fortress.

"Oh, come on, Queenie, it'll be fun!" Xord says, patting her back. She slumps lower to the ground.

"You're so indecisive!" Dunban says. Crying out, the blacksmith frantically crawls on top of the Arachno Queen as Dunban starts trying to shove them off.

"This is pathetic." The Queen tosses herself over, throws a line of thread onto the platform, and swings off.

Melia glances at Dunban, who clears his throat and scoots back. "We've been trying to decide this thing for an hour," she says. "Just go."

"Umhm, I thingk I saw a pathway down earlier back in the fortress…" Dunban's voice trails off as Melia grabs his wrist and drags him off with her. "EEEAH!" The man's voice rises three pitches as his feet fly off the ledge.

Melia laughs. "Whooop!"

* * *

Shulk rubs his chin thoughtfully as he paces the beach of the Fallen Arm. He could do a lot of things in this moment. However, he'd much prefer to _not_ go back to the Bionis in order to avoid potentially running into the Monado again—he was so relieved Reyn lost it.

Now that he can finally come up with his own schemes, the boy has found himself too overwhelmed to come up with any.

He snaps his fingers. There his engineer juices are flowing again.

If he remembers correctly, Egil and Vanea talked about them as "their ultimate death weapon." In this instance, he has to turn to…

* * *

Zanza pauses. "The director?"

"Yes. If the author of this story will not yield, then we have to turn to the only one left who can help us." Alvis puts his hands on his hips. He mutters under his breath, "That is, if we can ignore his delusions that we are from _his_ story."

"But he's a Machina!" Zanza complains, folding his arms.

"That Machina created the game that was inspired off of us!"

"Wait—he created _Xenoblade_?"

"Yes," Alvis replies, his tone borderline a snap, "and we will not be able to win this fight without Tetsuya Takahashi."


	31. Games People Play

**4,000+ view milestone! I didn't even think this was possible—thank you so much!**

When we last left our heroes, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics finally drummed up the nerve to jump off of Galahad Fortress after much stalling. Zanza and Alvis plot against the growing whims of the author, and they vow to employ their biggest asset: Tetsuya Takahashi himself. As they press on! Egil shrinks his duty to the Mechonis and finally plays _Xenoblade 2_.

" _What_?!" Gadolt jumps as Egil drops the controller. "But why aren't I in the game?!"

Just a few hours prior, Gadolt finally managed to coax Egil into playing _Xenoblade 2_ with him, a game which there were several odd moments of embarrassment—most of all when he received that strange, Bunnit-like Blade. And then that "one-eyed monster" insult…

He covers his face with his hands.

 _Next time_ , Gadolt thinks to himself, _do not share your game stash with your boss._

"Egil, do please try to keep the Switch controllers looking nice, they cost a fortune!" he whines.

"But that was the end of the game, was it not?" Egil asks pointedly as he stands by the man's side.

"Erm, yes?" Gadolt replies, looking up at him.

A scowl darkens Egil's face. "Well then, there's no more use for them." He crosses his arms. " _Xenoblade_ was much better. Plus, I can get a Wiimote for $30. Much easier to chuck around without the fear of blowing Project ONION's budget."

"I thought it was pretty good, myself."

"You clearly have no taste, you Monado fanboy. Go join Zanza!" Egil points to the door. "I'm sure he'll love your fanfiction!"

Gasping, the Colony 6 soldier stands. "You— How— I never—"

 _"_ _I'm manipulating your memories so we can still have our fraternity night because you ruined it by bringing up my Freudian slip. Why does Vanea get to have all the fun?"_

Egil's twisted smirk is all the answer Gadolt needs. The Machina made sure all of Gadolt's memories of _Xenoblade 2_ were wholly intact, but to do that, that meant weeding through the entire lot of them, and Egil can't say that he didn't try to find Vanea's mind bleach.

Voice rising about three pitches, Gadolt manages out, "You saw…"

"No, come to think of it, Zanza himself would probably be too disgusted by it…" Egil's muttering now. "Oh well."

"Y-you did like the ending of the game, though, right? Warm, fuzzy, happy…?"

Egil begins pacing. "No, it was terrible! There should have been more death, more destruction, more _onions_! There was none of that! None! It was like, like, _Boku no Pico_!"

Vanea, passing by the room the two men are in, lets out this strangled scream and rushes into it, grabbing her brother by the headdress. "You don't know what you're saying."

"And you do?!"

"Do you think I'm some kind of a Homs?!"

"No!"

"Does the author even know what they are saying?!"

"No!"

Gadolt flushes further shades of red.

* * *

Zanza cackles as he stands in Memory Space. Extending out his hands, he grins—

—as Lorithia and Dickson stare him down. He coughs; he did not expect them to get here this quickly. "What's up? Haven't seen you in a while," he says casually.

"The stars," Dickson grumbles.

Zanza briefly looks up before clearing his throat. "Ignore the location, Dick, I'm still working on sealing the rather big cracks in my ego after I abandoned my only host."

"Temper tantrum," Lorithia coughs.

"What, _no_!" he mewls. Deep down, Zanza is glad Alvis left to use the loo—insisting something about withdrawal still wearing off—as he'd probably be chucking fuel into Lorithia's growing fire. "Look, we are ready to complete phase ten of our plan!"

Dickson blinks. "I thought we were still waiting on Shulk and Reyn and the others to defeat Egil."

"Well," Zanza stutters. _I kind of cock-uped that plan!_ "Er, me and Alvis made the executive decision to—"

"Alvis? Come on, Zani, you know we can't trust that two-face," Lorithia snarks.

 _Says her_ , Zanza thinks to himself.

"Aw, great, here comes the heroes any minute!" Dickson says. "Now we know we're gonna have to get dirty! You know Alvis frolicked with Reyn's group, he's absolutely dripping with BETRAYAL written all across his pretty mug!"

"Now look here!" Zanza cuts in. "We're doing phase ten no matter what! I have total trust in Alvis! We bonded over roleplaying, that-that's the ultimate in trust exercises!"

"What even is phase ten?" Lorithia asks.

"Singing 'Lost in Plots All Alone,'" Zanza replies sarcastically. Lorithia immediately brightens and goes to sing, but the human throws his hand over her mouth to shut her up. "No! Don't you dare! That was a terrible chapter, and you know it!" Dickson begins sniggering, then frowns as horror crosses his face. Zanza too turns away. "I swear, that chapter was made to humiliate the trinity of terror and me!"

"I wouldn't go that far. I was completely untouched, and, I might add, I quite enjoyed your flashback, Lord Zanza." The others all turn as Alvis reappears by Zanza's side. He wears a smirk.

"Shut up!" Zanza snarls. "Anyway, phase ten!"

"We summon Tetsuya Takahashi."

At Alvis' deadpan, Dickson and Lorithia gasp. "Not Takahashi! Anyone but— Who the Zanza is Takahashi?!" Lorithia says. "Oh, ahem, sorry, Zani."

Zanza can't help but to stupidly grin at that. With a sigh as he glances at him, Alvis replies, "He's only the mastermind behind _Xenoblade_." Beat. "You do know, don't you? That game based off of our world?"

"Pfft, please, I don't have time to waste on such trivial matters, not when I have the world to conquer!" the High Entia woman says.

"Isn't that that game Shulk always blew his time on? It's what made him so pasty," Dickson says, his lower eyelid coming up in pure, terrified disgust.

"Oh, relax! Lorithia, you get to kill off lots of NPCs," Zanza reminds. That unbridled excitement returns to Lorithia's eyes. "And Dickson, you get to mow down the Mechonis and Egil's plans, isn't that swell?"

"Sweet," he replies.

Lorithia squeals. "I finally get to initiate Plan Z?!"

"Yes, Plan Z!" Zanza says. _I don't even remember what Plan Z was!_

"Oh, yes, baby!" She disappears as she fangirls.

Zanza chuckles as Dickson pumps his fists and moondances out of Memory Space. "I know I was going to eradicate the High Entia again anyway, but I don't remember making an entire plan for it," he muses.

"If I recall correctly, Lord Zanza, it was set in place to give you an edge over Meyneth the next time she challenged your preference of Edward over Jacob."

"Ah, yes, I can't believe I forgot! Alvis—movie night."

Alvis groans and follows Zanza deeper into Memory Space, Zanza whistling his own boss theme. _Save me, Meyneth, please,_ Alvis pathetically cries.

* * *

As Reyn and his merry band of eccentrics trek across the sands of the Fallen Arm, their leader grunts and shakes the sand out of his boots for what feels like the Reynth time.

Finally, however, they reach solid soil, and Melia and Sharla exhale as they slip off the Arachno Queen's hairy backside. Xord grumbles and itches at his mullet—evidently, some sand happened to get into it when he fell.

Sharla pauses as she cracks her back. "Reyn, does that look like people to you approaching us?"

The group stops as three small figures walk toward them. "Crap," Dunban mutters. "It's the—"

"Debt collectors!" Riki blurts out. "Ahhh! Riki already Heropon, leave Heropon Riki alone!" He leaps into the bewildered Homs' arms. "Save Riki!"

"No way, man, it's the Defense Force after me after I defected to wander the Bionis!" Reyn says.

"Gogols," the Arachno Queen says simply.

Melia says, "The Bionite Order!"

"What?" Dunban replies.

"Obviously, it's Machina coming to drag me back to Egil for his Project ONION," Xord says. As the figures grow closer and their grey skin and armor come into view, he nearly chokes on his own spit. "I didn't think I would be right!" He scuttles behind the Arachno Queen.

The three Machina stop in front of the bamboozled party, and their leader, a woman with violet eyes and a rather strange headdress, stares at them. Reyn stares back. "Phallic much, ma'am?"

Sharla coughs something out. "Who are you?"

The woman continues staring at them. One of the Machina by her side beams at the crew. "Apologizes, Linada's not used to so many visitors at once."

"So you're Binada?" Melia asks. "A pleasure to meet you. I am Melia, but not Belia or Selia, those are two totally different names."

Linada blinks. Then her mouth parts, and she laughs maniacally. "We really do have visitors, visitors! Oh, Meyneth, we haven't had visitors in eons!" She shakes one man accompanying her. "I was terrified they'd be some of the others who wandered out, or more metal cutouts Eiz made when he was bored! But they're not, they're real people!"

"Erm," the Arachno Queen starts.

"Come, come!" Linada eagerly grabs Reyn's arm and yanks him forward. "Welcome to our home!"

"So you're not here to drag me back to Egil?" Xord asks.

"No, no, we cut ties with Egil years ago! You'll be happy here, live with the others!"

Startled, Xord says, "Wait, the others?!"

* * *

"Friends, we have found another such as you!" Linada croons as she pulls Xord into the upper level of Junks. Shulk and Fiora look up from sitting on the table in the center of the room.

"Shulk, Fiora!" Reyn cries. "You're back!" He Dive Sorbats them in a great hug. "Aw, I missed you after you jumped offa Galahad Fortress! So does this mean you're finally staying in my merry band of eccentrics?"

"If it means fleeing Linada, _yes_ ," Shulk mutters in his ear. _I need to get away so I can help Egil out with his plan! These Machina are, like, anti-Egil freaks!_

Dunban clears his throat. "So, what is this place, exactly?"

Linada is brimming with joy. "The secret hiding place of the surviving Machina, the people of the Mechonis. I'm the town doctor, but if any of you get hurt, I just get to watch. I don't deal with flesh."

Reyn blinks and pulls away from his childhood friends. "So, wait, you fix machines?"

"Yes, I do."

"Shulk, you fixed machines all the time, yeah?"

"Yeah," he replies, "and I still had to when I lived in the Mechonis. Vanea insisted that fixing broken Mechon was my rent."

"So—!" Reyn begins to get excited now. "You both fix stuff! You gotta compete, yeah?!"

"What?" both Shulk and Linada utter at once.

"Hey, that's a pretty good idea," Fiora chimes in, a sly smile on her face. _I can't wait to see Shulk humiliate himself!_

"You can fix those damaged Mechon out in the fields," a Machina in the room says.

"Don't encourage this!" Shulk says. The man only laughs in reply.

"Challenge accepted," Linada says, her violet eyes glinting with a rekindled fire.

* * *

Sweat pours down Shulk's forehead as he pieces together the rusted Mechon in his lap. Linada, kneeling by his side, is equally as focused, but she keeps looking up at Reyn and Dunban as they help Xord draw numbers on big metal sheets. The others stare intensely from across the competitors.

"Done!" Shulk wrenches out.

"Challenge complete!" Linada says.

The mechanics' eyes dart to each other before narrowing.

Clearing her throat, Melia takes the metal sheets from the men and struts over to the little Mechon, deactivated, sitting on the grass. "Neither of you derustified them," she comments.

"Well, I didn't have anything to strip the rust off!" Shulk snarks in reply.

Linada quietly begins to scrap it off using her long fingernails.

"Hm… This is quite the challenge, I'd say." Melia taps her foot and purses her lips.

"I'd say!" Reyn says, turning to ogle the rebuilt machines. "But they don't work!"

"Well, we'd have to activate them," Shulk says.

Melia gives him a fierce stare that screams, "Do it." Sharla goes over to watch as Shulk fumbles for the switch, and Linada does the same.

As a shadow falls over her, the medic glances over at Fiora, who peers down at the spectacle before finally nodding in satisfaction. "If you don't do it, how else can we tell who rebuilt the Mechon the best?"

"Fiora right!" Riki blurts out.

Shulk cackles in joy as his Mechon begins to stir. He's grabbed by Linada, who bars a sick grin on her face. "Mine is moving much more energetically!"

"Well, mine is too!"

"You know what this means, right?" she asks.

"What?"

The woman stands. "We hold a Mechon war. Right here, right now, your Mechon against mine. I've named her Sally, she's sure to win."

"You've named it?!"

Fiora snorts. "Sure sounds like you, Shulk." Shulk flushes an embarrassed pink.

As the Mechon jerk and turn, they look at each other before pausing. Clicks of inner mechanical workings are the only noise in the empty field. Finally, they turn to their rebuilders, then to Reyn and company. Eyes flash red as "Mechanical Rhythm" roars to life.

"Huh, looks like they really do work!" Xord says. "Where are those signs we made, I give them a te—eeehhh!" Linada's Mechon advances toward the blacksmith and begins attacking him. The other one aims at Fiora, and Reyn stumbles and falls as he tries drawing the aggro.

"Crap, crap!" Dunban shouts, the Mechon's evil gaze turning to him.

"Run!" Sharla says, shoving Melia and Reyn forward.

Shulk and Linada, in tandem, cry out, "What have we done?!"

Meanwhile, in the distance, Eiz stops digging and looks up in the direction of violent screaming. He shrugs and sighs. "Oh well. More bodies, I guess."

 **I'm so glad I can finally mock chapter 22, "Lorithia's Noirian Dance."**

 **snoells (Guest): The full recipe to summon Tetsuya Takahashi will be revealed by Alvis in Chapter 32. A perfect addition to any recipe book or Megami Tensei strategy guide!**

* * *

Fiora jumps in front of Shulk and beams as she holds up a peace sigh. " _Two-n_ in next time!"

Shulk groans. "Please, no."


	32. Zanza vs the Intern

**Apologizes for the late update. My wrist problems are continuing, but mark my words, it will not interfere with completing this fanfic. Also—5,000 view milestone! Thank you so much!**

 **Let me know of any ideas you've been cooking up that you want me to implement before this fanfiction is completed!**

When we last left our heroes, the self-proclaimed god of the Bionis had finally activated Phase 10: summoning Tetsuya Takahashi. Reyn and his merry band of eccentrics were reunited with Fiora at last!…only to meet an unbalanced Machina by the name of Linada. Reyn had the genus idea to force Linada and Shulk into a Battle of the Robots, all while Shulk desperately tries to escape the Fallen Arm and the clutches of all the anti-Egil freaks. As plots are hatched in all sides, alternate realms collide…

"What do you want?" The High Entia scowls from the video feed as Egil and Vanea stare blankly at them. "I am very busy, you know that."

Egil stammers and clears his throat before mustering up his most villainous, confident smile. "Is Project ONION nearing its time?" he asks.

The Bionis dweller shrugs. "I suppose so, yes."

"Yes!" Egil hisses, pumping his fists.

"You do know how much this entails, right? It is taking me forever to plan this thing out… Besides, what are you doing asking me about it?! You're supposed to let me handle it!" Their eyes dart left and right as a clamor of voices sound around them. They hunch in and grip their headwing-feather quill tighter as some Machina pass by.

"He's had trust issues ever since Arglas betrayed him," Vanea deadpans.

Egil's face flushes as he reels toward her in surprise. "I do not!"

"Bah," the High Entia says shortly. "Details. You want this to happen now, fine, it'll happen now. You want to be the laughing stock of the Machina, fine, you already are."

"Sick!" Egil says as Vanea doubles over in laughter beside him. "Oh, I'm so excited!"

The High Entia can't help but to snigger before pausing and cocking their head, headwings jittering at the movement. "I'm being summoned. I'll convince Reyn's merry band of eccentrics to head your way, and once they enter Mechonis Field, crank up that 80s workout mix of yours and start coaxing."

Egil nods. "Sounds like a plan."

"Because it is a plan."

"Right!"

"Oh, shoot…"

A voice cuts into the video feed as a shadow falls over the High Entia. "You want to help me bury the bodies?"

"Aiieee! What are you doing _in here?_! In this village?! You're always outside, stay outside! You sound creepy when you're in civilization!"

Another voice asks, "You think you could help me get across the water? I wish I were a Homs so I could swim…"

The High Entia flinches as the Machina speaks up. "I'm sorry, do I look like a Homs?! Try asking the other Homs, those Homs! The ones that live in your village, or, even better, screw over Reyn and his friends! Do you know how heavy wings get when wet, are you nuts?! These wings are heavy enough on their own!" Their tone turns desperate and crazed. "I'm trying to be unseen, leave me alone!" The High Entia clears their throat before saying in a harsh cockney, "Well, I'm gone!" The video feed winks out.

"Fire up the Face Maintenance Bay, Vanea, we have a plan to do and a blessing from the author themselves! Project ONION is a-go, I can't wait to see the Machina finally appreciate my dream of making everyone into Machina like us so we'll be able to repopulate the Mechonis! Those suckers will never see my success coming! Bwahahahahahahaha! Hahahaha— Ha—" Egil breaks out coughing.

"Shall I get _The Matrix_ as well?"

"Yes, definitely!"

"Sounds good!"

The siblings split off, Vanea toward the Face Maintenance Bay, and Egil toward Mechonis Field. Before reaching the doorway, however, he grabs a boom box from against the wall and throws it over his shoulder.

"I'm not sure what kind of a High Entia name Eagleflame is, and some days I highly doubt their sanity, but I like their style!" Egil presses the play button on the machine. "Harkens me back to my fraternity years!"

* * *

Alvis stands at the gateway of the Passage of Fate with his arms outstretched. Zanza peers past his shoulder as the man keeps his eyes closed, a held note humming on his lips.

"What is that supposed to do?"

"You wanted to summon Takahashi, so I'm summoning Takahashi. But don't say I didn't warn you." Alvis says this matter-of-fact as he nods determinedly.

"What's with all the humming?" Zanza waves his hand impatiently as he asks this.

"The ritual. We need a song, specifically yours, Lord Zanza." Zanza beams at this, but a surly look from Alvis cuts it right off his face. "The song must be sung backward and in the lyrics of our fanpeople."

"Wha—"

"We also need a strand of your golden German locks," As he says this, Alvis breaks concentration long enough to rip a clump of hair out of Zanza's scalp. Zanza shrieks and grabs at the spot. "And a profuse apology."

Zanza doesn't say a word as he pathetically cries and tries to hide the ugly bald patch in his otherwise luscious locks. Alvis shrugs and clears his throat. As he starts singing, his voice changes to a deep, operatic tone.

" _Xenoblade will save us_

 _Only you can break the future_

 _Xenoblade, are those your names?_

 _Begin again!_

 _Our souls may turn the time gear_

 _Our souls sing; how may they rule?_

 _Our name is the Monados_

 _Our souls sing; how may they rule?_

 _Xenoblade will save us_

 _Only you can break the future_

 _Xenoblade, are those your names?_

 _Begin again!_

 _Xenoblade will save us_

 _Only you can break the future_

 _Xenoblade, are those your names?_

 _Begin again!_

 _Our name is the Monado_

 _Our fate is—_ "

Alvis has a coughing fit and continues.

" _Our fate is meant to change_ …"

He chucks the hair into the Passage of Fate. An awkward pause stretches out between the two men.

"That was hideous." Zanza scowls at Alvis. "I feel embarrassed to fight in a final battle with lyrics like those, they make us out to fail!"

"Lord Zanza, that is the point—"

" _My song is supposed to be badass for ME_!"

"Lord Zanza, settle your buns!" Alvis says.

The god mocks, "'Settle your buns…'" Then he pauses as an ominous glow explodes outward in the Passage of Fate. "Well, it appears something didn't like your song."

Alvis doesn't reply. He suddenly drags Zanza to the invisible ground with him as a man's hand emerges from the Passage of Fate.

At the feeling of being intensely stared at, the two glance up—only to see a glowering Machina looking back down at them. His powerful red eyes command utmost respect, his swept-back black hair makes it appear as if even the wind obeys him, and, as he gazes at the two men, a clawed hand comes up to give an added effect to the slasher smile he flashes.

"Who dares summon Tetsuya Takahashi!"

Alvis blinks in annoyance. "Um, you know me."

"I know, it's just for effect!" The Machina plants his hands on his hips as he observes Memory Space around him. "Why did you summon me? I was done filming in your world, my sequel game has long since been released."

"Wait, that filming was for the sequel?"

"Yes. I had to cut everything out because NO ONE WOULD BOTHER TO MEMORIZE THE SCRIPT! Sorry, you're just not in it. Uh—" Takahashi hesitates, then doesn't say anything.

"What?!" Zanza outcries. "But I am Zanza the great and powerful! I am a god!"

"Uh—" Clearing his throat, the Machina asks again, "Why was I summoned?"

"Because we need you today, Takahashi," Alvis replies. He grimaces, as if remembering something previously forgotten, before muttering to Zanza, "We need to finish the ritual!"

"Well, what do we do?! I forget!" Zanza mutters back.

"We profusely apologize!"

"No!" Zanza swears. "Okay, okay, fine."

The two men look up to make eye contact with Takahashi. Simultaneously, the pair mewl out, "We're sorry, Takahashi-sama!"

"Not good enough, you bums!"

They cry out. Takahashi cackles and looks out at the expanse of space around the trio. He presses his fingertips together as a smile creeps to his lips, and before he can hide it any more, he begins cackling manically. "Oh, thank you so much for summoning me back to your world! Haven't you chumps learned anything from those scary movies?"

"No!" Zanza says. "I don't stoop to the level of the Homs, scaring themselves for pleasure…"

"You mean you're too scared of them to actually view them," Alvis replies.

"Shut up! Meyneth made me watch one once, never again! _Never_! _Again_!"

Takahashi clears his throat and continues. "You have no idea how much I've fallen in love with your precious universe! After I destroyed my own, this one will be a blast to call my new home!"

"I'm sorry?" Zanza manages out.

"Yes, after the release of _Xenoblade_ to the mass market, I knew it was only a matter of time until the others would come to seek out your world. That's right! I am the true destroyer of humanity's universe! You thought it was you, Klaus, but it was I, Dio— Eh, Takahashi!"

"How does that even work?!" Zanza shouts. He stands up now and gets right in Takahashi's face. "I hit the button, it was my button, _it was mine_!"

"It only distracted you long enough for me to intervene." He smiles coyly. "The button never truly destroyed your universe; it mearly teleported you, Meyneth, and ALVIS the supercomputer into the alternate universe we all studied together! You wished to destroy the universe and replace it with this one—which, I for one do not blame you—but alas! Once you were out of the way, Tetsuya Takahashi, quiet coffee-brandishing intern, stepped out from the darkness and into the spotlight! I watched your work, Klaus, I watched it well. Bwahahaha!"

"I thought you were just that idiot intern whose father had connections or something! What the crap!" Zanza says.

"Actually, Takahashi spoke to me about this quite frequently." Zanza whips around to face Alvis now. "By summoning him, we've brought doom to our world, which means that I can finally bring you down," Alvis says simply. "Congratulations, Lord Zanza, you fell for it."

Zanza's face contorts in a series of expressions ranging from blind rage to primal frenzy to sheer disbelief. For a moment, bad memories come to mind of his 8th birthday party when he was horrendously tricked by that jerk Arglas who seemed to say the exact same thing. Right down to the title. Zanza's roleplaying was no secret.

"It killed me to know that you'd taken the world of Xenoblade over. It was a beautiful place I had seen you study repeatedly, Lord Zanza, and every time you named a new indigenous species after your own roleplay world's creatures, some function or another died inside of me. Oh well. I doubt they were important."

"So we plotted together, see, just the two of us, when you'd fall asleep at the computers or left on escapades with Meyneth! By setting up the programming of the button for it to teleport you three's genetic and mechanical makeup to _Xenoblade_ , I was left to reinsert the button's real purpose: destroying our universe!"

Zanza screams, "This doesn't make any sense whatsoever!"

"I know, right! Isn't it great!" Takahashi replies. "Now away with you, you Homs! I am the true god here!"

Takahashi, with an electrical shock-charged metal finger, zaps Zanza's bare bottom, and the man shrieks and teleports away.

The Machina lets loose another laugh as he stretches his arms out wide. "This place is mine now! All mine, _finally_!" Alvis tried to join in, only for Takahashi to backslap his head. "Don't steal my thunder, I've been waiting for this for too long now."

"Right, sorry."

* * *

" **Shulk!** " Zanza whines as he pops back into Shulk's mind. Shulk screams and grabs at his ear before hastily looking around and brushing away beads of sweat.

"Dude, what is it, I'm trying to lay low here!" Shulk sighs. "I've finally been able to get away from Linada. I don't think any of the Machina know about this path to the Mechonis. Or at least, not yet." With a grimace, he slumps his shoulders. "I thought you had gone."

" **Yes, well, I'm very disappointed in you.** "

" _Thanks_. Look, I've made up my mind, you're just getting in the way, I'm going to help Egil, which means trying to get off this Zanza-forsaken rock, which means getting onto the Mechonis to find and use Egil and Vanea's super secret ultimate death weapon!"

" **What?** "

"What do you mean, what?"

" **I couldn't understand a word of what you were saying. It was so anti-Zanza, my brain immediately blocked it out!** "

Shulk laughs. "Very funny."

" **No, I'm being serious. Look, I just…** " Hoarse gagging and coughing sounds suddenly sound in the Monado Boy's head, and he makes similar noises himself in revile. " **I need your help.** "

Now Shulk's actually coughing. "What?! Now what voice is in my head?! Is this Meyneth or something?"

" ** _Me_** **, Zanza! What, you actually thought I was Meyneth? Like, that she'd have that deep of a voice? That's sick!** " Zanza says, disgust in his tone.

"Urghhhhhh."

" **Oh, no, please don't be sick.** "

"I might be if you don't spit things out!"

" **You're always so impatient. Anyway, I was just in town, and I…am lying, I need your help, and I need it now. Alvis biffed, see, and because he neglected to tell me what his true alliance really was, I need a new sidekick. That's you.** "

"Har-har-har, very funny."

" **No, I'm being serious.** "

"Oh no, I'm not laughing about the sidekick thing." Shulk begins to stroll along the path leading to the Mechonis as he speaks. "What was his new alliance, Zanza, hm? Meyneth!"

" **Dear Bionis, no! Takahashi.** "

Confused and surprised, Shulk asks, "Takahashi?"

The two fall silent as a great clamor sounds behind the young engineer.

" **Gee wiz, it's your putrid friends!** "

Shulk groans at the statement and turns around. "Reyn! What's up?"

"Why'd you leave us? Took us forever to get away from that nutter Linada!" Reyn exclaims.

"We had to escape through the dead of night," Dunban adds.

Xord folds his arms and says, "Just the glare on those Machina's faces as we snuck past them—utterly terrifying. Like Terminators."

"Riki and sidekicks saved by Bird Person! Bird Person tell friends where Shulk was!"

"We never met them in Alcamoth, and I have no clue where they came from. Perhaps they lived here, you know, away from Linada…?" Sharla says.

"Okay… Well, where's Fiora?" Shulk asks.

Melia speaks up, a triumphant smirk on her face. "We got caught by Grinada last minute. We needed a sacrifice. She did her part well. We honor our fallen friend."

Everyone nods, Reyn and Riki looking a little more sincere than the others. Dunban says with mourning, "She would have made a terrible wife someday."

 _And that could have been me!_ Shulk thinks with horror.

" **And that could have been you!** " Zanza says enthusiastically.

Shulk shudders at the synchronization. "Oh, um, that's so sad."

"Fiora ripped something off her chest and shoved it into my hands last minute," Melia says. "At first I was hoping it was her chest inflator, then I realized it was just some junk of metal. You want it, Shulk? It could be used with your scrap projects."

Shulk blinks as she extends out her hands, a heavy brass triangle held in then. Immediately, Zanza screams. " **I ain't taking that Meyneth! I ain't touching that Meyneth! She can have that Meyneth!** " The man pauses and takes a breath. " **No-pon!** "

"Um, I appreciate the thought, really, but you can have her—I mean, it."

"Really? Okay, thanks, Shulk." Melia blushes as she holds it up to her collarbone and admires it.

As the group approaches the Mechonis, huge double-doors open up as 80s workout music blasts. Reyn grins.

 _Alright, now that we're all together… While I try to get Egil and Vanea's ultimate death weapon, I'll be able to help them out with completing Project ONION all at the same time! Two skeeters with one stone!_ "I think we should split up," Shulk casually suggests. "Melia, Reyn, and the Arachno Queen can go with me. Xord, you could take Dunban, Sharla, and Riki."

"What?!" Xord outcries. "Why don't I get Queenie?!"

The 8-legged spider woman sighs. "Okay. Listen up, Xord, we'll reunite together again in Central Factory, okay?"

"But…"

"Sweetheart…"

"Okay," Xord moans.

"What, are we not good enough?" Sharla snips. He stammers and tries to reassure the woman, only to be shot down—literately. "Hmph. Riki, will you join me?"

"Riki help Sharla drag Xord!"

"Thanks, Riki!"

Xord snorts and flails on the ground as the pair begin dragging him forward, Dunban hot on their heels and hastily grabbing Xord's arms. "Ahhh! Ahhh! It burns!"

"You have no skin there to burn!" the medic says.

"It's psychological!"

"Well then, I'm no psychologist, Xord, so I guess you're just out of luck." Sharla shrugs with a smile.

"What?! But you're _the_ medic of our group!"

The other group watches in silence as the four move slowly past them and onto the conveyer belt. Finally, all they can hear are echoes.

"Well," Reyn says. "Shall we go?"

"I could get us easily to Central Factory just with my thread alone," the Arachno Queen comments. The trio muses this over for only a second before leaping onto Queenie's hairy backside and flying off and away.

* * *

 **And now it's time for…the X-Factor of Xord.**

Shulk grumbles as he picks up the Colony 6 restaurant menu and eyes the most expensive meal on the dinner half: Bunnit Bolognese. "I can't believe Dunban is forcing us together in a date."

Fiora snorts. "You know my big brother—he'll sail this ship until the bitter end."

"Yeah, don't remind me… Hey, he is paying for this, isn't he?"

"I'm not sure how, but yes," she replies. "Did Dickson sell all of Dunban's alcohol…?" Fiora asks this question to the air.

With a smirk, Shulk waves down their waiter. "In that case," The waiter, a dashing man with a thick black mullet and copper armor, approaches their table and adjusts his crisp uniform. The pair have no clue how Xord was hired for this single-night stand here—especially given how, in the attack on Colony 6, he smashed the first restaurant. "I think I'm ready to order now. I'll have the Bunnit Bolognese."

As the man looks over toward Fiora, she shrugs, flustered. "I…I don't know, what's your special?"

Xord smiles a big, toothy grin as he replies in a rough cockney, "I'm Xord, your host tonight! Today's main course will be—" He suddenly whips out his blacksmithing hammer. "— _you_!" The hammer's end smashes the table, causing both teens to jump.

"Uh, yeah, yeah, I'll have that," Fiora says sarcastically. Shulk covers his face with his hands.

"Nah, I'm just joking with ya, it's the Bunnit Bolognese."

"But the last time I ate Bunnit was when Dunban boiled mine—!" Her face pales. "I think I lost my ap—"

"Great!" Shulk says a bit too enthusiastically. "Melia, you can come over now!"

Melia scurries to the table from a booth hidden from their line of sight. The woman stops and waits a moment as Fiora slides out of her seat, then whips out her staff, slams it right into Fiora, and sits down like a proper lady. "I take it Dunban is still paying for this meal?"

Fiora deadpans, "You can have him, girl." She takes a seat next to Melia and says in a short tone, "Dunban will just have to pay for a third wheel."

Xord claps. "Well, if you'll 'scuse me, I have a date with my own lady. Waitering's only fun when you get to say all the right lines!" He tosses his notepad to a bewildered Juju—busboy to pay off rebuilding Colony 6—and sits down in the booth next to the one Melia just vacated. "Hello, Queenie."

"Mmm, Xordy…"

"Hey, you! Mechon!" A burly man storms out from the kitchen. Xord jumps three feet and cowers between the Arachno Queen's legs. "Where'd you get a uniform! Get out before I have the manager throw you out!"

"Whelp." Xord shrugs, takes the Queen's hand(?), and runs faster out of that place than Shulk and Melia had ever seen him run before. "Time's up, pipsqueaks! I'm gone!"

 **Credit to Sky Spyer's lyrical interpretation of Zanza's theme backward. Check out his/her video on YouTube—it's very well done!**


	33. Finally, Eagleflame Updated

**Me and a group of people have finally completed the first episode for our** ** _Shin Megami Tensei IV_** **abridged series, Shinigamimon: Gotta Summon Them All! Feel free to check it out on YouTube; our channel name is Team Media.**

 **End shameless plug here.**

When we last left our heroes, Phase 10 of Zanza's plan turns out not to be his bestest idea. As he's replaced by director and writer of _Xenoblade_ , Tetsuya Takahashi, Alvis reveals that he's been really a villain all along. Egil, meanwhile, manages to pester Eagleflame enough to get them to write their plot arc faster. While Reyn's merry band of eccentrics ignorantly walks into a rushed Project ONION, they have no destination in mind. What's their journey anymore? What are they doing? Is this all a metaphor for being lost in the tides of life?

"So, I have a question." Xord pipes up as Sharla, him, Riki, and Dunban ride on the High-Velocity Lift of Mechonis Field for what is probably the eighth time. It isn't because they are lost or because they are wasting time. No—Riki just likes to ride it.

"Biggest ride in all of Bionis _and_ Mechonis!" Riki squeaks.

"What?" Dunban grunts, holding his pounding head. "S-s-stap this ride, I think I'm gonna be sick. Mediiic?"

Sharla ignores this.

" _Why are we here_?"

The lift stops with a rattling clank at the fifth floor of Mechonis Field. The group is silent. Dunban lurches forward and collapses on the ground. Without looking at him, Sharla shoots heal rounds in his general vicinity and replies, "I don't know. Some High Entia told us that if we wanted to advance the plot, we should go here. But I wonder why they said here—"

A low rumbling makes her stop. The ground quivers, as if a thousand mechon were marching toward them from the end of the long corridor they stand in.

Sharla sighs and keeps talking. "—Since it's dirty as Dunban and more disgusting that that cowardly poet running away with the children and elders."

"Ohhh, Riki sick of Mechonis rumble rumble!" Riki complains.

It was true—the Mechonis always seemed to be rumbling at one point or another; with a roar of a machine activating or some ventilation system struggling to work, the ground would shake, and even the stationed mechon dove for cover—or shook right off the walkways like popcorn. "I hope they have workers compensation," Dunban commented one time they witnessed this. Xord added, "If it's anyone who could take down Egil, it'd be OSHA."

The group falls silent as the rumbling continues.

"Wait, okay," Xord says. "So do we want to trust this High Entia? You know they're all high…"

"They seemed alright to me. I mean, dear Bionis, not exactly sane, but..." Sharla frowns.

The rumbling stops with a massive thud of metal on metal. "Oh good, something broke," Dunban remarks. "Now maybe Mechonis Field will finally break down instead of psyching us out." He screams and scrambles to his feet as a laser sizzles by his head. " _Sharla_!"

"Hey! You may have a killer hangover, buddy, but—"

"I'M AFRAID YOU MUST BE EXTERMINATED!"

The group turns to see a metallic green Faced Mechon standing at the end of the corridor.

"That was great timing," Xord says, glancing up. His face goes white. "Oh, Sharla? You have a, um, friend here (please don't see me)."

"XORD, WHAT A FINE SURPRISE SEEING YOU HERE," the Face says.

"Oh boy, it's Jade Face." The blacksmith's voice drips with sarcasm.

Sharla gasps. "That was that Faced Mechon that was with Egil in Galahad Fortress! There was something…familiar about him…"

"I SEE THAT REYN'S MERRY BAND HAS HAD ITS FORTUITOUS ARGUMENT AND BREAKUP! PERFECT FOR WHEN I REMOVE ALL FOUR OF YOU FROM THE BIONIS' GRASP SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH TOUCHING MORE BIONIS SPAWN THAN I'M WILLING TO TOUCH IN ONE GO."

"You idiot, we just split up! You probably missed Shulk and the others!" Dunban shouts.

Jade Face strides forward, his heavy metal feet pounding against the ground. Riki cries out as he collapses. As it grows closer and the hatch opens up, Sharla screams. "I-it's—!"

"Gadolt? Yeah, I was just about to tell you—" Xord starts.

"It's opening!"

" _Come ON_!"

An emerald-plated man leaps down from the cockpit. "Sharla, who's—" Dunban begins.

Sharla grabs her ether rifle—which happens to be Gadolt's that she caught Otharon pawning off in the refugee camp. Then she relaxes as relief washes across her face.

"I'm afraid you'll have to come with me, quietly I'd prefer! It's not any sort of 'shut up as I lead you to your potential deaths,' please understand that my ears are…rather sensitive," Gadolt says, rubbing said ear with an apologetic look on his face.

"No way, Jose!" Xord shouts. "We're not playing into Egil's games, and I'm not letting my friends be turned into Core Units!"

Riki turns to Xord. "Why no join Egil?"

"Because I'm not about to join Egil's fraternity, that's why!" Xord replies shrilly.

"Well," Sharla starts, clutching her rifle tightly. "What if I want to come with him?! Gadolt, my honey!"

She races toward the surprised Core Unit, who backs way up. "Whoa, lady, I don't know you. I don't know anyone, you're not alone, please don't take offense."

A longing cry rips from her throat. " _Gadolt_!"

Jade Face grabs his ears, then his forehead. "Look, lady, I'm sorry, I have no idea who even I am, now leave me alone! My orders are to deliver you lot to Egil."

"You—" Dunban stumbles as he heads over to Sharla. "You vile mechon! You thingk you could take our Colony and our Homs? Nevar!"

Gadolt ignores the hero of the Battle of Sword Valley as he looks down at the weapon in Sharla's hands. "Wait. Is that—" His eyes look up to meet hers. "—A deus ex ether rifle?" Recognition lights up his face, and he takes Sharla in his arms. "My sweetheart honey-pie cakes!" Sharla giggles as he swings her around in a hug. " _Pyra_!"

A record might as well have screeched to a halt right then and there.

Sharla stops and points the muzzle of the gun straight at Gadolt's face. " _Pyra_?" She slowly lowers it to his nuts.

"No, honey, I didn't mean tha— E-Egil did it, he did it! I didn't have any wet dream ideas about Pyra, I swear!" he says totally guiltily.

Sharla shoots and slaps simultaneously. Gadolt collapses. "Let's go," she growls. "I knew Reyn was a better Gadolt replacement, anyway."

The four stalk onward.

* * *

The Arachno Queen swings over a ledge and lands with a slide on the smooth metal flooring. The other four stand at a distance at the opposite end of the corridor. Shulk smirks as the group rides Queenie to the 2nd Gamalt Bulkhead. Behind them, a low rumble begins; it must be just another Mechonis Field quirk.

"A shame we had to take the outside route," Melia comments, straightening her hair curls. "Queenie, are you feeling better now?"

She coughs and nods. Early into their Spider-Man flight, the Arachno Queen suddenly got the most terrible of coughs.

"It must have been from all that dust and pollution," Shulk says.

Reyn rubs his smooth chin and furrows his brow. He could have swore a mechon started talking to the Arachno Queen right before she began coughing and then insisted on taking the outside route.

Melia again holds up that brass triangle to her collarbone with a smile on her face as the Queen shudders. "That, and those crazy Machina we ran into in that refugee camp," Queenie says. "They wouldn't let us leave for an hour! It was like they'd never had anyone visit them in centuries!"

"It was two hours," Shulk corrects. Then he groans as if realizing how long it had actually been.

"Oi, we got any food? I'm starved!"

"Leave it to Grine to request a meal break," Melia says.

"We haven't eaten since, since…breakfast!" Reyn nods at his own statement. "Melia, I heard your stomach, don't you be modest with me!"

"No!" she says rapidly.

As the grumbling grows louder, the four look around. "Don't expect me to ask who else is hungry 'sides me, because even I'm not dumb enough to think that sound is a stomach."

Shulk opens his mouth, then closes it and clears his throat.

Faint voices sound behind them, and as the group turns around to eavesdrop, a Faced Mechon lands, and a roaring voice booms. Shulk blinks in surprise before raising his brows. They wait while the other half of their merry band deals with the threat—after all, Jade Face isn't noticing them, and why should they step into danger?

The more the group watches, the more horrified Reyn gets as Gadolt leaps out of his Face and confronts the group. "Oi, he wants to take them!"

Shulk shrugs. "It'll happen some time or another here, Reyn, why delay the inevitable?"

"What—?"

As Sharla rips her heart out to her old flame, Reyn grows further mortified, and he allows Melia to hug him as Gadolt and Sharla have a happy reunion—until she shoots him in the nuts and turns away. Relief pours down the boy's face as a stupid smile curls his mouth. He pulls away from Melia to pound on his chest and tighten his fist in celebration.

The second half of the group heads toward Shulk and co., and Xord puts his hands onto his hips. "How long have you guys been waiting here?"

Melia goes to speak, only for Shulk to interrupt her. "Oh, all day."

"Son of a Dickson," he mutters.

Melia mouths, "It wasn't."

"To Central Factory!" the Arachno Queen says hastily. She nuzzles Xord and shakes the group off her hairy backside. "You're all a bunch of freeloaders."

* * *

Vanea sighs as she walks back to the entrance of Central Factory. Forgetting that she let some of the patrolling mechon borrow _The Matrix_ , she realized too late that she had to go back to Mechonis Field to retrieve it.

A hand touches her shoulder, and the woman whips around and shrieks. A High Entia raises their hands up and stammers. Vanea scowls. "Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to inform you of something."

"What?" the woman asks. "Is it pertaining to Project ONION? Or is this where I could find my movie? Because I really need that."

Now it's Eagleflame's turn to scowl. "You're watching that with me, or you're not watching that at all. I am not about to rush the plot for nothing."

"You want to see the…"

"Yes! Now, if you want to have Project ONION go smoothly before Takahashi finds out—and yes, the ancient prophecies are being fulfilled, the director of the fan game is after our world to destroy it—I'd wait here."

"But what about…"

"We will watch the film as a celebration of you and Egil's greatest achievement of the entire plot once you actually do something practical."

"Ah, I see. Shall I inform Egil?"

"Dear Zanza, no, you don't have time!"

"Why—" Vanea stops as she sees the High Entia scribbling something out with a quill. "What are you doing?"

"Writing myself into a different location. Bye."

The author disappears, and Vanea rubs her eyes.

Fortuitously, it is only a matter of time before Reyn's merry band of eccentrics strides into Central Factory. Vanea gasps and stumbles out in front of them. Dunban's eyes widen at the jiggle physics.

"Hello there!"

Reyn, as his eyes fall onto the nearly naked breasts of the Machina, exclaims out, "Ah! It's a stripper! Mum told me to avoid strippers, let's keep going!"

"No, wait, I'm not a stripper—"

"I don't know," Dunban says, "I kinda like her."

"What kind of a hero are you, Dunban?!" Reyn accuses.

Vanea blusters out, "Please, hear me out—"

"Mind blast!" Everyone screams as bright light fills the space. Melia smirks and lowers her staff. "If you are anything like a proper lady, you must cover yourself modestly."

"But you're showing your cleavage!" Vanea protests. "Besides, I'm nearly always alone, and Machina bras are so uncomfortable."

"No matter. Ma'am, I'd advice you to wear a shirt before we can allow our ears to listen to your sordid story."

Xord tosses her a white t-shirt with the words, "The Great Belly Dancer Lorithia, Live in the Heart of the Bionis!" "Sorry, Vanie." He pauses. "Some traders—don't ask me how they got there, I have no clue—were giving them away free on the Fallen Arm. Guess it's some to-be event."

With a groan of frustration, Vanea pulls on the shirt and, humiliated, clears her throat. "Will you hear me now?" she asks.

"Yeah, sure, okay," everyone mumbles.

As the group begins walking, Vanea, now reduced to a tour guide, says, "I am Vanea. I have been tasked with preparing you for what lies ahead."

"What lies ahead?" Shulk asks. "Oh, you mean—"

"No," Vanea replies sharply. "Not quite yet, not quite yet. Wait a moment. Are you aware of what has been happening with Zanza?"

"Oh, yeah, Tetsuya Takahashi has come to take over our world." Shulk says this so nonchalantly, one might be inclined to believe he was in on the man's wicked plot. "Wait, I'm the one who told you! You know, on our way to the Mechonis, in that lengthy PM!"

The others all exclaim at once—some in confusion, but Dunban in a fearful gasp.

"Ah. Forgot about that. Well, then, you explain it, Shulk."

"He is an incredibly evil and ambitious Machina who will stop at nothing to make our world how he wants it to be—namely, like his fanfiction game. He is the ultimate example of a crazed fan wanting possession of what he is a fan of. **He's in Memory Space,** " Zanza cuts in through Shulk. " **Stealing my throne, my power, my thunder,** ** _mine_** **! And the longer we stand here like stupid bacteria, the more that lunatic will be able to do whatever he pleases! So don't argue with her, just agree to everything and beat him up!** "

Meanwhile, in Shulk's head, he thinks, " _Yeeeeeaaassssssss_! _Yeessss, yeeeessss, yaaaasssssss_!"

Vanea stares at Shulk in surprise. "I did not expect Zanza to say that. Well (you can't take this back now, this is where Project ONION comes in (or not, we're just using this as our grand opportunity)). Had Egil explained Project ONION to you when you met him in Galahad Fortress?"

Xord hides his face in the Arachno Queen's fur. Melia blinks and holds up a bewildered Riki as he chirps, "Ooo! Scary gold mechon's explanation stupid!"

"He really didn't say anything," Sharla deadpans.

Vanea glances at Xord: one such Core Unit who had Project ONION endlessly lectured into his skull. Embarrassed, Xord says, "Egil is turning Bionis creatures into mechon to attract people to join Mechonis. Like how he enlisted Gadolt and Mumkhar. And," He busts up laughing. "Oh yeah, I personally took that brat Juju in!" Sharla facepalms. "And…how did you get tricked, Shulk?"

"I hired Mumkhar to be my hitman, and it turned out that Fiora also hired him to be my hitman, so he mortally injured us both and took us to the Mechonis. Really not of free will, but it's great. You should try it."

"Or not," Xord adds tersely.

"Wait, you're going to make us into Core Units like Shuck and Bord?!" Melia gasps. Her eyes fly open. "Take me to the procedure, I am ready!"

Sharla double-takes, then smirks as she understands. "I'm in if you're in, girl." Melia glances at Shulk as her smile of excitement grows larger.

"S-Sharla, you're trustin' this lady?" Reyn asks.

"Yeah. I mean, I guess Gadolt turned out decent, so I know you would." She sneaks a sly smile his way, and Reyn, flustered, quickly nods at Vanea.

"Shulk, you trust 'er too, yeah?"

" _Yes_ ," Shulk says a bit too enthusiastically.

"Let's do it!"

"Oh boy, looks like I'm not convincing anyone anytime soon," Xord sighs.

Bothered, Dunban grumbles and rubs his temples. Shulk says, "He just has a bad migraine, don't worry about his response. He's in," Dunban jolts and stutters something, but it's too late as Vanea nods in eager joy.

Riki stirs in Melia's arms. "Urghhhh, Riki can no return to village without being stronger or else Oka leave Riki for good! Will ONION help Riki grow stronger?"

"Oh course!" Vanea says.

"Okay!"

Xord prods the Arachno Queen. "What about you, Queenie? I guess this is a life-or-death thing, so…"

The Arachno Queen, uncomfortable, clears her throat and says nothing. She clears it again, exhales, then says, "Egil's Project ONION has already expanded to much of the Bionis' creatures. It's quite believable, including the simulated bile." She glances up at Reyn, then Xord in expectation.

The group is dead silent. "Wait, what?" Reyn asks.

"I'm a mechon, too, buddy!"

"Wait, you too?! Oi, that's pretty good!" the boy says.

Vanea proudly proclaims, "I told you, Project ONION is both effective and convincing. Come along."

In Shulk's head, Zanza is screaming.

Curious, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics follow the Machina who has a newfound spring in her step.

In the distance, a colorful Core Unit watches as he rides on a moving factory machine. His eyes narrow. If this chapter is ever going to have a cliffhanger, it'll be him. Especially after Sharla left him near one.

* * *

"Hey, Sharla, this is gonna be fun, yeah? I bet I could eat twice as many Bunnit burritos now without any problems whatsoever!"

Sharla laughs. "That's just like Gadolt."

"Wha— Oi, Gadolt's a cheater, and you're still comparing us?!"


	34. Juju Creepypasta

When we last left our heroes, chaos ensues. After reuniting in Mechonis Field, the rag-tag group of heroes presses on toward Central Factory—only to be stopped by the stripper Vanea. Or, rather, she would be a stripper, but, with a spare t-shirt, the most they could call her was a Hooters girl. Vanea takes them to be turned into Core Units, while Slug Face watches from the shadows… He isn't in the shadows to be scary. He just likes them. They're a part of him. They reflect the boy's heart…and that pleases him very, very much.

As the group pauses for a rest in Central Factory, Reyn utters a loud sigh. The group was hungry and arguably tired, especially after many hours backtracking when even Vanea lost her way—she blamed the tour guide mechon breaking down from not being cared for.

"Oi," Reyn says as he sits down at a small fire Melia conjured up in the middle of a walkway. The oddly pleasing stench of melting metal hangs in the air around them. "Remember when we told ghost stories, Shulk? When we'd camp at Agora Shore?"

Shulk shudders briefly before replying with, "I think I blocked out that night. Why do you ask?"

"Because we can tell ghost stories again! Whadaya think, won't it be fun with all…" Reyn glances around him and begins counting everyone. "Uh, let's see, there's me, Shulk, Sharla, Dunban, Xord, Melia, Riki, Queenie, and the stripper! All _nine_ of us!"

"Ughm," Dunban begins—a most strange noise, if you ask the author. "S-scary stories?"

"Yes!" Melia whoops. "Riki, we'll snuggle together and listen to Brine traumatize Shake—" She glances over at Shulk, who's curled up into a little ball. "Oh. I suppose he does not need to even begin the story to frighten him."

Sharla gets comfortable as Riki waddles over to Melia's waiting arms. "That's just like Gadolt to tell ghost stories."

"Alright!" Reyn cheers. Then he stops. "Oi, I'm seriously thinking that I'm your Gadolt substitute!" The medic laughs it off. "Okay, so I heard this one from a Colony 6 trader who came through our colony once. Now, I dunno if it's true or not, but this is what he told me… I mean, for 100 gold."

* * *

 _I've been a trader for several years. I've seen a lot and heard even more, most of which I couldn't even say whether or not they were true. In fact, I never even gave them a thought…until four months ago. It was 3 in the morning and I had just finished selling off a junk weapon to an idiot tourist. Did I walk away rich from that sale—part of why I love my job and all. Anyway, as they left, this boy approached me from the shadows of Colony 6's defensive walls. He was red-haired, moody, and a little young to be with the other punk kids who hung around at night. Even stranger was that those groups never come outside the colony, and yet here he was, outside the colony_ and _without a group. I may have lived in Colony 6, but I couldn't tell you the boy's name—I never bothered to learn any. In my business, names didn't mean anything._

 _I felt the bile rising up the back of my throat as his sunken eyes reflected the light of the moon. I wasn't prepared to handle kids looking for trouble, I'll tell you that. Wild creatures and annoying customers? Yeah. Punk children? Oh, no._

 _Unsure of what to do, I fingered the danger I always kept hidden in my cart for creature attacks. I wasn't planning on using it, but if anything, the rough hilt with my daughter's name carved into it brought me comfort as I watched the boy. He stopped a little ways from my set-up as he gazed at me. His face was hard and cold. He didn't have any weapons on him that I could see, and if anything, he seemed like he was looking for trouble more than any wares I had._

 _"_ _What's your name?"_

 _I shook my head hard as I ripped my stare off of him._

 _However, now he was staring. "I said, what's your name?" he asked. His voice had the same accent as the others in Colony 6, and it sounded innocent, even a little sweet: such an eerie dissonance from his expression of contempt. "Won't you talk to me?"_

 _His next question was strange and seemed almost out of the blue. I mean, yeah, I supposed if no one answered my question, I'd repeat it again or get a little annoyed, but "Won't you talk to me?" is something that I had never heard on my—not bragging or anything, but—vast journeys._

 _"_ _Uh? No, sorry, I'm afraid I was lost in my own head!" I said with a roaring laugh. "I'm Unnamed Trader."_

 _"_ _Is that a joke?" the boy sneers. Geez, did that sweet voice sound nasty in that moment._

 _"_ _No, that really is my name. 'Trader' is my family name, and my parents decided to let me know straight away that I was destined to be merely an unnamed man some brave heroes crossed paths on their own journey. Which is probably far more spectacular than mine. I'm sorry, I went on a tangent, did you want to buy? Sell?"_

 _"_ _Listen, Unnamed, I'm not here to line your pockets."_

 _"_ _I don't have any pockets. These uniforms really are terrible."_

 _"_ _I don't care what your problems are, you have to listen to me."_

 _I would have discounted his words as being threatening, but they sounded more afraid than anything. Alright, so he needs help. What was with that face, though? The sneer? Was he just covering up his insecurities with a tough look? This boy raised more questions than he asked me!_

 _"_ _Alright, I'm here," I said with a grump. I really wanted to get on home to my wife and daughter. I promised them I'd be home by 3:30. "What do you want?" Not any wares, I could guarantee that._

 _"_ _It's my little sister. She's trapped in the Ether Mine, and I don't know what to do."_

 _A chill flooded my bones at his words. "The Ether Mine?! What were you kids doing, playing over there so late at night?!"_

 _"_ _That doesn't matter, we did, and yes, it was stupid, and I'm sorry, but I need help right now! I don't need a scolding!"_

 _He was right. I was being foolish._

 _"_ _Alright, come with me." I slipped the dagger into my belt and followed the boy. A slight limp mars his walk, and the grass under his wounded foot grows increasingly crimson. The further we walked, the bloodier his sock got. "Oi, you all right? You're injured!"_

 _"_ _No. I'm fine." His tone was dead._

 _I pressed my lips together and continued following. As we approached the Ether Mine drainage pipe, I wrinkled my nose up at the rotting smell that wavered in the air. Had I been an ignorant trader, I would have fretted that some hideous scene of corpses came with the free smell; however, I am not an ignorant trader; and so I knew that the smell was just the Ether Mines. Sometimes when creatures die in the cave systems or in the pipes the smells mix with the ether. It was normal. Colony 6 even had specific people to clean out the caves to reduce the odor._

 _The boy climbed into the drainage pipe without a single moment of hesitation. Honestly, at the time, it unnerved me that he could be that fearless, but from what I saw earlier, his behavior didn't surprise me too much. I followed and immediately grimaced as the rancid, molding water—chunks brushing against my legs—soaked through my pants. We trekked through the stream for a while, and as we climbed up the pipes lacing across the area, my boots slipped off multiple times—the boy's never did._

 _The mines seemed dead silent. A Krabble occasionally wandered past me. The boy never stopped. And when I say that he never stopped, I meant that he_ never stopped _moving._

 _"_ _Hey," I call. My voice echoed in the caverns. "You never told me your name."_

 _The boy, without stopping, replied, "I'm Juju."_

 _The water grew more red from his wound as we walked. The glowmoss, if anything, made the lighting worse—the blood in the water appeared almost grimy and made me feel sick._

 _"_ _Over here…"_

 _We stopped at a small lake pulsating with the glow of that same moss. Juju turned to me and seemed to almost block the entrance. However, the light from the lake was enough to still illuminate the puddle of crimson around the boy's feet._

 _"_ _You're bleeding really bad—!"_

 _His bleached face—paler than it once was—never looked down. "No, I'm not."_

 _How can he_ not _notice?!_

 _"_ _Come on." His quiet tone grew insistent now. An inescapable feeling of dread pulsated in me as I forced myself to step into the cavern, Juju stepping aside for me. A large Krabble click-click-clicked across the rock, across a—_

 _Juju moved by my side and grabbed at my arm. I let out a strangled gasp as my vision momentarily blacked out._

 _His hand tightened._

 _I whirled around, the dagger in my hand. "What is this?!" I scream. Except the boy was no longer there._

 _Gasping, I blinked and stared at the spot he once was, where his hand gripped my elbow, where the blood pooled on the cavern floor. There wasn't anyone. No one except the pale body of a boy resting on the rock, his red hair floating in a halo around his head, which was partway in the lake. When I was certain the Krabble wasn't looking at me, I grabbed the body and dragged it away from the lake, my legs pumping faster than they ever had in my life. Once inside the cave labyrinth once more, I inspected the boy's body. He was covered in crusted blood and wounds, the worst one being at his ankle—the same ankle that was bleeding on Juju._

 _That night was the strangest night I ever experienced as a Colony 6 trader. I later learned that the boy Juju had no younger sister—not like there was one in there, anyway—but rather, an older sister who works with the Defense Force as a medic. Juju wasn't dead when I found him, and he made a surprising recovery, but he didn't remember me, nor did he ever remember how he got in the Ether Mines._

* * *

The group is silent as Reyn finishes.

"Reyn remember big long story!" Riki says.

"Hey, if you had to pay money to hear it, you'd make sure you remembered it, too!" Reyn replies.

Sharla scratches her head. "I don't remember Juju ever getting into an accident in the Ether Mines."

"Maybe I changed the name. And the sister at the end," Reyn says rather quickly.

"That's just like—"

"Shaddap!"

Melia glances over at Shulk, no longer in a ball but now dead to the world as he stares off at nothing, his body shivering. "Well, I quite enjoyed that story!" She pats Shulk's back as she declares this.

Riki shakes Shulk. "Riki has several littlepons who do not like scary stories. So Riki give big hug!"

Shulk screams as Riki tackles him practically off the edge of the platform.

"See, Heropon Riki fix homhom!"

"That wasn't a ghost story." Vanea's disbelief rings out. Dunban nods in agreement. "You told us a creepypasta."

Reyn replies with a guilty, "Maybe."

Xord and the Arachno Queen glance around as metal footsteps clink on the walkway.

"Water, the source of all life!" Melia cries, putting out the sputtering flames. "What was that?"

"It was probably just one of the Core Units," Vanea says. "They tend to wander around here until we give them an assignment. It's strange, though… I put in a movie for them."

Nervous, the party stands and looks around. "Maybe it was a terrible movie," Xord says.

" _Flex Tape: the Proof_? No. No one could walk away from that."

"Can we watch it, too?" Shulk asks—only to have a rainbow slug pelted in his direction. He shrieks and ducks. "What the Zanza!"

A slow, low chuckle echoes across the machinery of Central Factory. "It's me…"

"The pretend spirit!" Dunban gasps, waving his flask around in the air. Riki knocks it out of his hand and off the edge. "Oi, I jus' refilled that!"

Sharla gasps. "That voice! It's—!"

"Gadolt." Reyn slaps his face.

"No… Juju!"

The whole party screams as, sure enough, Juju—aka Slug Face—steps out of the shadow with a big crooked grin on his cold as ice face.

 _Anyway, as they left, this boy approached me from the shadows of Colony 6's defensive walls. He was red-haired, moody, and a little young to be with the other punk kids who hung around at night. Even stranger was that those groups never come outside the colony, and yet here he was, outside the colony_ and _without a group._

Shulk looks as if he's about to pass out. **You've seen this brat before, you know this brat, the story isn't real, Shulk!** Zanza admonishes. But Shulk ignores him.

"Why'd you leave me on Phallic Mountain, Sharla? I was looking forward to a reunion with you." Juju spreads his arms out wide as he says this in that _sweet, innocent voice_ …

Shulk whimpers as his knees lock.

The Arachno Queen leans forward to sniff the boy. Drool begins dripping from her massive maw. "Still just as delicious. I can handle a little metal."

"Ahhh!" Juju squeals.

"What's the matter, kid, 'fraid of a little Arachno? Or a fellow Core Unit?" Xord asks, laughing as he did that day he took Juju to be Core Unified.

"Well, you destroyed my colony, so…yeah."

"Oh. Right. I did do that, didn't I?"

"Yeah!"

"Sick," he replies.

Disgusted, Juju says, "Sharla, you're gonna be a Core Unit, too, right? Then we can be together forever!"

A rather 80s-like Core Unit with a soft, youthful face and neatly-combed dark hair leaps past the group and continues sprinting toward the portal to Agniratha. "Together forever and never to part! Together forever we two! And don't you know, I would move heaven and earth to be together with you~!"

As the man's voice fades off, Vanea clears her throat. "He does this a lot."

"Juju," Sharla says. "We have an important mission to do after we're turned into Core Units. We can't sit around all day playing Fortnite and watching movies."

Shulk and Dunban lift their heads up in eagerness, only for Reyn to slap them both.

"You've been shrinking your duties all the time, Juju!" the woman scolds. "You claim you're going to make dinner when you leave us starving, you ride off on the buggy when I've told you not too, you've even gone camping in Windy Cave! And here, even now, you're still playing video games and shrinking your work with Colony 6! Go play your games, Juju, we've got real work to do."

Without saying a word, Juju dances "Orange Justice" and walks away.

"Well, we don't have to worry about him any longer," Vanea sighs. "Come on, we must get you turned into Core Units as soon as it is possible."

Muttering, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics follow Vanea further into Central Factory.

* * *

In the distance, Gadolt waves to Juju, a video game controller in his hand. Juju grins. "You have both consoles set up?"

"You know it," he replies. "You gonna be a storm monkey again?"

"Don't you know it. I can't make them think that I always get caught in the storm on accident."

 **Cormag Ravenstaff: Don't ask me, I'm just the author.**


	35. Shulk the Bronie

**Can you believe it's been two years since this fanfic began? Thank you for your continued support! Also, tell me what your favorite moment was thus far in the abridged.**

 **So, I got a new phone recently. Ever since, the temperature it shows has been stuck at 69 degrees—at night.**

When we last left our heroes, Reyn told a campfire creepypasta starring our favorite Colony 6 anti-hero, Juju. The actual Juju tried a final confrontation like every good video game boss, only to be given Sharla's most damaging attack, "Big Sister Tongue Lashing." With Juju's final exit being "Orange Justice," the group presses on toward becoming Faces. Though it seems that Project Order Non-Compos-Mentis Inception Odd Neurosis is…going along better than they thought?

"Go play your games, Juju, we've got real work to do."

 _"_ _Go get me my coffee, Tetsuya, we've got real work to do."_

Takahashi, disgruntled, sits up in his seat in Memory Space and points at the Passage of Fate—displayed like a flat-screen TV—to change the channel. Sharla's voice cuts off and is replaced by the lilting tones of Michelle Pfeiffer and Matthew Broderick and—

His eyes snap open.

…A movie.

Egil is watching a movie.

The man's lower eyelid twitches. What happened to the Egil he created, the determined villain with the soul of a hero?

This guy sucks!

Popcorn spills from the container on Takahashi's lap. He knew he went too far channel-surfing. "Alvis?!"

"Yes, Takahashi?" Alvis asks as he walks over to his side.

Takahashi changes the channel again with disgust as he picks a piece of the popped corn off his crotch and shoves it into his mouth. The look that crosses his face at the taste is a mix of disgust and arousal. "What is the problem with that Egil?"

" _That Egil_ is the self-proclaimed leader of Mechonis, sir," Alvis replies.

Takahashi's brows raise. "Fascinating. So much has changed since I had last studied this world. Hah! What a wonderful thing, just letting these creatures go their own way." No. It's not. "That preppy woman has finally fallen, that…whatever her name was, Galea? Meyneth?" He waves a hand. "Meaningless. What does this Egil do? Is he some fell child of the corn? Ugh, no, wait. He's the preppy girl's son, isn't he?" That makes sense for his actions! "I _knew_ she and Klaus has some funny business going on in the back closet! She must have birthed him in the core of the Mechonis!"

As the Machina rambles, the color continues to drain from Alvis' face. " _This Egil_ has a sister, sir. He also has an established father who does not view his son with joy at his actions. His father wants him dead, though he has never spoken it out loud except when he thought he was alone." He giggles a bit at that.

Alvis thinks back to those times when he peered out from behind Miqol's chair in Junks. Just watching him wiggle. Watching him kick his tiny legs out. Listening to his insane rantings on his favorite soap opera. Listening to those soap operas he had on in the control area of Junks that he never allowed anyone else to be in except for his assistants. And then again, those assistants never helped in running _Junks_ , per se. The Deviantart-inflated Machina _never noticed_.

"Well, of course," Takahashi says with a laugh, "it's ol' Zanza Klaus! The women had twins! What you've told me has just reinforced my point!"

Alvis doesn't reply, for doing so will kill the poor man's dreams. He's also genuinely thinking about what Takahashi said.

"This Egil… He's going to cause issues for us, isn't he?"

"I suppose he will, sir. His plan is quite…eccentric."

"Keep an eye on him, Alvis. We'll jump him when he's not expecting it."

Alvis looks over toward the Passage of Fate. What looks like a nature documentary flashes on the screen—out of everything to be observing, he's watching baby Brogs grow up.

He sighs as he walks off. "Even Lord Zanza was more entertainment than this."

* * *

"Miss Stripper," Reyn begins, nudging the woman. She glances at him, a proud smile still on her face. "Why's there a line the size of Colony 9?"

The eccentric group is staring at the Face Maintenance Bay and at the line that weaves out of every crevasse of the building.

As Vanea pulls numbers from a deli line dispenser and hands them to the group, she says, "This is normal. Egil's Project ONION has been so successful, lines has been steady since the Battle of Sword Valley!"

"Vanea, we told you we're in a hurry!" the Arachno Queen says.

"You really thought you wouldn't have to wait?" Vanea asks with surprise.

The group collectively says, "No."

"Oh. You should have expected it, the last time you've heard of deals this great was probably at your colony's Black Friday! Did you hear, we're also giving out free sunglasses to everyone who undergoes the procedure!"

Shulk lets out a triggered groan, and Reyn pats his back. "It's okay, buddy. Let it all out." The engineer begins sobbing in Reyn's awkward hug. "Lady, I'm sorry, but we can't do it, we just don' have time, and Shulk can't handle the trauma."

"Privileged millennials," Vanea says as she walks off. Before they could even blink, however, she's back and grabbing Melia's arms. Her hands hold up the girl's, which clutch Fiora's brass triangle. "Lady Meyneth!"

"My name is Melia, but not Belia or Shelia or Lady…Brayneth, that is a very strange name. Why does it not end with an 'a'—"

Melia screams when Vanea throws her over her shoulder. " _Lady Meyneth_! You have chosen a new vessel over that weird girl! I wholeheartedly agree, I will begin the soul transfer immediately!" The group tries stopping the Machina, but she mows past them. "Goddess incoming! Don't you dare stop me!"

Folding his arms, Xord remarks, "I knew Melia's a princess, but isn't that taking it a little far?"

"Oi! She's budging, that one!" Reyn says.

"Princesses," Dunban says. "Let's press on."

Melia flips them off as they walk away—only to suddenly disappear in golden rings of light. Vanea's grin grows wider.

"Wait, are you really tricking us?! This is what Brother calls a solicitor scam, isn't it!" she shouts. "Let go of me!"

With a squeal, Vanea says, "Is Egil in for a surprise!"

* * *

Egil was having a bad day. Call it getting up on the wrong side of the recharging hanger—however that could happen. And then, as if it were the icing on the cake of despair, he watched _Ladyhawke_ and cried his eyes out. He was always told not to watch movies that could make him cry. But that's nearly every movie, and he's a very sensitive man. And then, just when he thought it couldn't get worse than it already was, he was two hours behind schedule because he underestimated the duration of the movie.

He's not quite sure how to go about fighting Tetsuya Takahashi. Once he received that PM from Shulk explaining what Zanza explained—there must be misinformation, in that case—he promised he'd activate Mechonis Core. If Takahashi's about to threaten the world, the only weapon Egil can trust to work is his Big Fluffing Sword. Which isn't his. But that doesn't matter.

 _Of course_ he had to promise to activate Mechonis Core today! He bets that Tetsuya isn't even in their world; if it's Zanza telling them this information, he's probably tricking them all into activating the Core so he could take over the Bionis himself and—

Egil shakes his head. Too confusing. Not after _Ladyhawke_.

 _Just…just activate the Core. Yeah. That's it_ , he tells himself as he begins to pace. The Machina starts to approach the gateway into Mechonis Core. _Just get it done._

And of course, when he _really_ thought his day couldn't get any worse than the trainwreck it already was, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics teleport onto the Meyneth Cloister. Directly behind him.

He jumps, turns around, and stares at them with his bloodshot eyes. They stare back.

" _Oi_!" Reyn says. "What the Bionis was that?!"

Xord sniggers, and when Shulk follows his pointing finger, he busts up laughing. "What happened to you?" the Monado boy asks.

Egil doesn't say a word. So he cries instead.

He really hates this day.

" **So the big bad leader of Mechonis is really just a matoran in toa armor!** " Zanza sneers.

Egil freezes and snorts up snot. Coughing, he asks, "You're into Bionicle, man?"

" **What— I, I just thought it was a good analogy, um— No.** "

"Yes, you are!" The Machina throws his arms out as a tearful smile breaks across his face. "Finally, someone who gets it!"

" **Wait, seriously? Oh Zanza, yes!** " The two men fistbump each other as Zanza takes over Shulk.

"Unity! Duty! Destiny!" the two men shout in tandem.

The group stares at the spectacle before them. "They're bonding," Xord says in disbelief.

"Riki want to know what 'toa' is, is toa like Heropon?"

They ignore Riki's question.

"Shulk is…friends toward that Machina?" Sharla asks.

Reyn shakes his head. "No, not Shulk. It's his split personality thingy, Zanza. I don' get it, either. Lifelong struggle, that."

"Oh," she says. "Well, like I told you before, I'm not a medic of mental wounds." She reloads her ether rifle. "Does Shulk like…Bionicle?"

"No way. He's a huge Bronie."

With an excited gasp, Egil turns to the group. "You're going to help me start Mechonis Core up again, right? Ooooh, I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so _excited_! I've been waiting until this story updated to do it, and it's finally happening! Let's go kill a Tetsuya!"

"Are you sure we should be trying to kill the creator of the _Xenoblade_ fanfiction game…?" Sharla asks.

" _Yaaaass_!"

"Are we even sure this is a real threat?" the Arachno Queen says with a frustrated sigh.

With a shrug, Egil replies, "Look, any excuse to activate my BFS." Dunban nods with the understanding of a man who wielded the Monado because it was a really cluckin' big sword.

And thus, Reyn's merry band of eccentrics join the Mechonis without even needing to wait in the line! If there was any tier statuses for budging, they'd be the Ultimate No. 1. They've even beaten Melia.

"BrOOooOother!" Vanea calls. Egil turns around. He and Reyn's party cast a forlorn glance at the doorway to Mechonis Core—yet again, so close, yet so, so far. He really doesn't want to lose his motivation this time. "LOoky!"

She shoves a girl with disheveled grey hair in front of her. A brass triangle is fused to her chest. The girl rubs her slighty-tattered headwings with a scowl, and glaring, she struts over to Reyn's merry band of eccentrics. "How could you leave me with this awful woman!" Melia scolds, backslapping Shulk's face. He grunts and collapses. "That, that Strynia!"

"I think that's the most off you've ever been," Sharla says, "You alright?"

"Snarla, I am _perfectly fine_!" Glaring at Vanea, she crosses her arms and leans into the Arachno Queen. If one wasn't the wiser, they'd think the Entia was trying to be kewl.

Vanea gets a large smile on her face. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to give you this. All participants of Project ONION receive a free pair with their sacrifice to the Mechonis' goals." She tosses Melia a pair of plastic sunglasses, and the girl's angry scowl is replaced with a look of childlike glee as she puts them on.

Her look was complete now.

"To Mechonis Core, Vanea! Our plans are coming to fruition!" Egil says excitedly as he sprints in between the legs of the large statue of Lady Meyneth. "I can finally use my BFS!"

Reyn gets a grin to his face. "Oi, d'we getta turn, too?!"

Egil replies, but by that point, no one could hear him. Reyn takes that as a very big "yes," and he sprints in, leading the way.

* * *

And Takahashi gets a grin to his face, too. He stands, stretches, and cackles as he disappears. Time to retake what's his.

 **JwPhO (Guest): 7H4NK Y0U!**


	36. Reassurance (Update)

I'm sorry for the chapter delay. I know that I am very bad at updating regularly, and for that I am deeply sorry. This past wait has been my worst, I believe.

I have the newest chapter **mostly complete** for Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged (yay). A part of me sits in terror, feeling as if my ongoing abridged has lost some of its humor, so I have been working very hard to try to provide that again. But that's also been part of the problem—I'm too worried about the recent work-in-progress chapter, which leads to obsessing over it, which leads to taking more time with it instead of just writing it all out and editing later.

That, along with personal schedule changes and continuous wrist problems, has led to little time to focus on it. I also did NaNoWriMo (which, for those who do not know, is November's National Novel Writing Month, where you write 50,000 words in a month). I got up to 44,000 by the time the month ended. This is for a personal writing project of mine which has a time limit to completing it.

But. Excuses.

As an apology, here is an excerpt from the latest chapter. I hope you enjoy it. :)

* * *

Spotlights snap on, and an entire group of Face units all looking like Xord boom into Mechonis Core from the teleporter at the opposite end of the room. All of them have different metal colors, however, and a white sash spraypainted onto them with the haphazard words, "Miss Mechonis Princess" scrawled across them.

" _What_?!" Xord outcries. "Why aren't I one of your ladies, I am the queen of Vanea's designs by far~!" he brushes back his sweeping black mullet as he looks over to Vanea and makes small kissy noises.

It's Egil who blows kisses back. Xord recoils in disgust.

Vanea mutters, "You must be joking." She stalks over to Egil, and he grins at her. Before he could ask how she likes them, her hand comes up, and an echoic _SMNLAP_ booms across Mechonis Core.

The Miss Mechonis Princesses all glance at each other before each blurting out sayings like, "TIME'S UP, PIPSQUEAK, I'M GONE!" "FEELS LIKE A FLY BIT ME!" "WANT SOME MORE, MONADO MORON?!" "FEELS LIKE A FLY BIT ME!" "FEELS LIKE A FLY BIT ME!" and "YOU WANT THE BRAT? WELL, HE'S RIGHT HERE!"


	37. Monado is Stated 258 Times

**A WILD UPDATE APPEARED!**

 **Shameless plug alert: I've started a Tumblr. Find me at "eagleflamefanfiction" for some Xenoblade Chronicles Abridged (and other fics I've done) extra content, like artwork, "behind-the-scenes" whatever-it-is stuff, update alerts (and chapter PROGRESS status *coughs*), and fandom memes. I have some Xenoblade theories I'll post, too.**

 **Also, so many apologizes for the later than usually late update.**

When we last left our heroes, Vanea transfers Meyneth's soul vessel into Melia, a much more suitable candidate. Reyn and the rest encounter Egil, and in a twist reveal, Zanza comes out to have a freakout with the Machina—over _Bionicle_. The group enters Mechonis Core, prepare to face down Tetsuya Takahashi for the crime he has committed to their world: being a possessive fan. The only one who might even try to defend Takahashi is Dickson, but since Dickson's obsessive fanboy-tude is directed toward Lord Zanza, he has some conflict of interest.

"INTRODUCINGGGGGG…"

As Egil struts to the center of Mechonis Core, where his Face Yaldabaoth is waiting, he spreads his arms out wide and listens to—what sounds to a confused Reyn and co. an announcement—the voice of a bronze Face unit off to the side. He looks suspiciously like Xord's old Face. They glance over to Xord, who waves his hands as a way of saying, "Nuh-uh, not me!"

The Face laughs and gestures grandly to Egil. He has the buttery voice of a throwback announcer, buzzing with the crackle of what reminds Dunban of an old television set.

"THE GREAT EGIL AND HIS LADIES!"

Their confused faces turn slack-jawed as Egil cracks this stupid smile and pops a hip. Vanea stops short of the group and gapes her mouth in surprise. " _Ladies_? Egil, what have you been doing this entire time?!"

Spotlights snap on, and an entire group of Face units all looking like Xord boom into Mechonis Core from the teleporter at the opposite end of the room. All of them have different metal colors, however, and a white sash spraypainted onto them with the haphazard words, "Miss Mechonis Princess" scrawled across it.

" _What_?!" Xord outcries. "Why aren't I one of your ladies, I am the queen of Vanea's designs by far~!" he brushes back his sweeping black mullet as he looks over to Vanea and makes small kissy noises.

It's Egil who blows kisses back. Xord recoils in disgust.

Vanea mutters, "You must be joking." She stalks over to Egil, and he grins at her. Before he could ask how she likes them, her hand comes up, and an echoic _SMNLAP_ booms across Mechonis Core.

The Miss Mechonis Princesses all glance at each other before each blurting out sayings like, "TIME'S UP, PIPSQUEAK, I'M GONE!" "FEELS LIKE A FLY BIT ME!" "WANT SOME MORE, MONADO MORON?!" "FEELS LIKE A FLY BIT ME!" "FEELS LIKE A FLY BIT ME!" and "YOU WANT THE BRAT? WELL, HE'S RIGHT HERE!"

Reyn perks up at that and runs after them. "Wait, I want the brat, gimme a brat, the last time this story mentioned brats it was just Juju, Juju is the biggest disappointment anyone could get, aw, _come_ _onnnn_!" He stops when they all finish flying off into the teleporter. "NO! I'm still HUNGRY!"

Xord slaps him upside the head. "Hey! All those lines up there—" He points up to the paragraph that was mostly written in caps lock. "—are stuck on caps lock, don't go CAPS LOCKING ON ME NOW, TOO!"

REYN STARES AT HIM. THEN HE STARES AT THE STORY. THEN HE STARES AT THE AUTHOR WRITING THE STORY.

Egil's whiny moan breaks Reyn's stare away and gets the attention of the author again, who turns off caps lock.

"Aw, Vanie, whyyy? You scared them all away!" he complains.

"You Homs!" Vanea says, making every Homs in the room look over at her. "That was what you spent all your time doing, making perverted Miss Mechonis Princesses?! You know we hold the competition for Machinist children only!" At Egil's guilty look, her expression changes from livid anger to horror. "So that's where all the children went when everyone ran away from you to the Fallen Arm!"

Before her brother could respond, a sonic boom claps in the air, and everyone looks up as Tetsuya Takahashi manifests. He spreads his arms out wide and glances down at the group. "Hahaha, oh, what great joy, everyone is here now! Mm, I'm so glad I can finally—" He stops. "Wait, where's Fiora?"

"Away," Riki chirps.

"Probably never to come back," Sharla says. She then shrugs. "Really no skin off our backs." With a cock of her rifle, she adds with a smirk, "Otherwise I'd have to heal it!"

Riki hits his miniature drum set. Reyn looks down at it and, as he picks it up, Riki screams and tries grabbing it from him to no fruition. "Oi, look at the mini drum kit! It's so—"

It snaps in his fingers.

Riki hides his face with his wings as Reyn stares at the useless wood in between his fingers.

"Anyway!" Takahashi snaps. "Um, ha, haha, um, yes, I didn't need Fiora! She's…just fine dead! Yep!" Shulk and Melia grab each others' hands, and Takahashi fights back vomit.

As the Machinist man tries to recompose himself, Egil leaps into Yaldabaoth and attempts to start the Mechonis back up again. Takahashi stops to watch as the golden Faced Mechon connects with the Core in a grand show, and Egil grabs his sword with a grin. "Mechonis! Take me as your new soul, since Lady Meyneth never came back from her vacation! I swear that I am the same caliber as Lady Meyneth, who is a god, only better! I am beloved by the fandom, hahahahaha!" The Mechonis begins to rumble.

And then it shuts down.

"Darn it."

Vanea coughs and waves her hand in the air as clouds of dust and mold billow into the air with the shutdown of the Core. "Why didn't you clean _this_ area the most?!"

"Because it was hard, there are crevasses and little pieces to scrub, I'm sorry, okay!"

Takahashi bursts into laughter. "What a joke!" he says.

Egil covers his face with his hands, only to flinch back. "Ah! I stabbedmyeyeswithmyfingernails…," he mumbles, tears beginning to well. Vanea sighs and facepalms.

"Oh, how relieved I will be when you're dead and gone!" Takahashi sneers. "You're just a stupid fool in this world that really desperately needs help—I mean, seriously. It's messed up."

He holds his white sword in the air which looks suspiciously like a Monado. Shulk gasps as he sees it, and he screams because he is triggered. " **Why do you have my Monado?!** " Zanza demands. " **Wait, dear Zanza, it's a third-party knockoff, what did you do to it?! It's a Fauxnado!** "

As the Machinist man swings his blade in the air with a cackle, Egil's eyes light up, but then he deflates again. "Ah! Vanea, I just remembered the Apocrypha Generator!"

"Yeah, so?" Vanea asks. "Why do you look so bummed out?"

"It should work," he says as he gestures to Takahashi, "but it hasn't, so we're screwed, Vanea, might as well rip into the rest of Meyneth's VHS collection and binge while we die!"

Melia shrieks as her chest floods red, and a Machinist woman with a flowing black dress and elegant blue wing-like disks flies out. Her grey face is twisted up in rage. " ** _Egil_**!" she screams. He leans as far back as he can in Yaldabaoth, expecting the worst, but she stops short of Takahashi and whips her twin aqua and wine-colored Monados out. The colors remind her of her college "wine pong" championships. " **You still have your gaudy Face Unit, why won't you** ** _use it_** **?!** "

Takahashi, not expecting retaliation, ducks a swipe from Meyneth's Monado, and he dives out of the way. She follows him in the air with a primal yell. "What is the matter with you, woman?!"

" ** _That's rude, buster_** **!** " She growls. " **You ain't taking our world, I heard all about it from Melia's gossipy heart!** "

Melia grins and waves from below. As Shulk watches, his eyes wander from the battle above to Melia's face, looking upward. He smiles.

Takahashi, seeing this, feels a strong stab of lividity in his heart, and he swoops down, holding his Fauxnado tight. Gritting his teeth, he thrusts the blade out—and skewers Shulk straight through the chest.

He looks up to Takahashi with shock on his face. Shulk is shook.

As Takahashi and Meyneth continue their fight, Reyn grabs Shulk. "Shulk! Shulk!"

And then, to the readers of this story, the most expected thing happens: Zanza comes out of Shulk.

"Shalk?!" Melia says, stumbling back as Reyn pulls her away.

Zanza rises up from Shulk's corpse and brushes aside his blond hair with a cutsy little chuckle. " **Say, Meyneth, don't steal all the fun**!"

Both Meyneth and the Machinist stop battling and stare at the eccentric German.

Zanza blinks and smiles uncomfortably—the silence that followed his bold comment is more than a little awkward. " **Come on, keep fighting, don't let me steal the fun.** ** _Uh_** **, I mean—** "

Everyone turns to stare now at the author, camped out by the teleporter with a quill in their hands. The crazed High Entia looks up at the group, then shrugs. "Don't ask me what's going on, I'm just the author." Zanza scowls at them. They stand up with haste and chuckle, but it's not a very confident sound. "Wait, you think I should know 'cause I'm the author and all? Ha, haha, you think I _planned_ this series out? Why do you think it's gone so far off the rails, at least it's a crack story!"

Takahashi's focused look of anger turns to rage. "Here's me," he begins, flying high enough so he was above everyone. "Planning _all_ of my ideas out so I can properly fix this world, and you've been WRECKING THINGS BY WRITING IT BY THE SEAT OF YOUR SPINELESS BUNS?"

Eagleflame nods, looking rather—shall I say—stupidly proud. "Turned out a decent hot mess until you came in. I honestly never saw you coming, next thing I knew, I was writing how you were going to take over the world." They shrug again.

Takahashi fights to control whatever calm emotions he has left, but by this point, it's futile, and he knows it. " _You_. You're the real villain of this story, Eagleflame, you taking advantage of Egil and Vanea and the Core Unit concept—" He swoops down now as the two gods watch, his knockoff Monado aimed at the High Entia's skull. They write themselves a Junk Sword and parry the blow with surprise on their face—they had never done that before. "—and purposely sending this, this GLORIOUS WORLD INTO CHAOS AND RUINATION FROM THE FIFTH CHAPTER! YOU SWINE, YOU COWARD, FACE ME LIKE A CREATION OF ZANZA!"

Eagleflame steps back and laughs. "Um, no way, man. You did see though, I made Shulk aware of the true nature of the Monado! Imagine if he wasn't, he'd be going on this adventure of revenge and blind grief—can't have that, really, I thought having him and Fiora both become Core Units would be more _fun_." They smile in this wicked way. "You know, it feels kind of nice to write yourself as the bad guy."

Takahashi goes for another blow but pulls back last minute as it hits him all at once.

 _"_ _Ah! Vanea, I just remembered the Apocrypha Generator! It should work, but it hasn't, so we're screwed, Vanea, might as well rip into the rest of Meyneth's VHS collection and binge while we die!"_

"You're joking." He whips around to Egil now. "You're _joking_. You're saying Shulk never actually used the Monado?"

"No way, man," Reyn interjects, "I did, but even then—" He shrugs. "—wasn't much. Worthless sword."

" ** _Worthless_**?!" Zanza screeches.

"What— What—" Takahashi sputters in disbelief. "Where even is it?!"

"Bottom of Eryth Sea," Reyn says.

"You what— But the Monado is— I—" And the, all at once, the Machinist's confusion snaps. "Do you know the importance of that Monado, boy?" He dives down to Reyn and points his Fauxnado at his neck. "Do you know how many times Shulk and the others were supposed to make that importance very clear by mentioning the Monado?"

Reyn takes the Fauxnado with no seriousness as he pushes the blue energy beam away with his palm. "No."

"TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHT TIMES!"

The whole crowd is dead silent. Then Sharla deadpans, "That's not important, that's excessive."

"NO, IT'S A PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT NUMBER!" Takahashi's voice raises in pitch. "This world is ridiculous, I don't think any of my ACTUALLY PLANNED PLANS—!" He turns to glare at Eagleflame. "Will work since the Monado's been THROWN OUT LIKE GARBAGE!"

Reyn says with annoyance, "Oi, it was a garbage sword, it wouldn't work for, like, anyone! Except me, and, uh, Dunban, and… Huh, worked for Shulk, too."

"IF YOU FOLLOWED THE REAL PLOT, THERE WOULD BE REASONS FOR THAT!" Beat. "Wait, it worked for you—"

Eagleflame cackles, the laugh strained with insanity. "You've come up with a plot? That's a load, what's the outline? Is it better than my story?"

"I don't think I'll show you," Takahashi mocks. "And really? Really, you're going to ask that, I think ANYTHING would be better than yours! THAT'S IT! THAT IS FIRETRUCKING FLIPPING FIZBIT IT! I AM DONE! GO SUFFER YOURSELVES THROUGH THE REST OF THIS FANFICTION-DOT-NET DISASTER!"

Everyone stares at him as he disappears into thin air. Eagleflame looks at the group, who have now turned their eyes to them, and backs into the teleporter. "Whelp, I have a few more chapters to write, so if you'll…just excuse me…" They pause. "Heh, heheh, you're all suckers." They teleport out of Mechonis Core.

Zanza clears his throat and smiles. " **Now that that insufferable Machinist man is out of our way, will you bacteria… I don't know…give yourselves up to me, the new leader of this world?** "

" **That's a joke, right? Like, a real, legitimate joke?** " Meyneth says.

" **No, it's not!** " Zanza actually sounds frustrated. " **You're in denial of my grandiosity! Don't you remember, this world we once studied, everything was named by** ** _me_** **! I am the real god of this place!** "

" **You're the one who named** ** _moon rocks_** **'nopon'!** "

" **Nuh-uh, Meyneth, those were legitimate creatures we discovered in this world!** " Zanza spreads his arms out wide.

Meyneth cringes, then recomposes herself. " **Just because I'm going to exposition everyone now and say that we were scientists who studied** ** _things_** **and places and people, and you had to throw your roleplaying onto everything we looked at, doesn't mean you own it, JUST LIKE YOU NEVER OWNED THAT BUTTON YOU PRESSED!** **I won't let you do this, Zanza! I've** ** _always hated_** **your roleplaying!** ** _NO-PON_** **!** "

Zanza makes a pouting expression, which, for having Shulk's face, just doesn't look right. Reyn bursts into sniggers. Sharla knocks on his head. "Not a good time."

The two gods turn on each other in the air, and Zanza shoots out, " **But you accepted my roleplay name for you!** "

" **That's because you laughed every time someone called me** ** _Galea_** **!** "

" **Wait, that was your name?** " Zanza sounds dumbfounded.

" **You forgot,** " Meyneth deadpans.

" **Eh,** " he replies, shrugging, " **I'm a busy man.** "

" **You've been freeloading off your own species' ether for thousands of years while you've slept in. How is that busy? See, see, Egil has been actually busy!** "

At Meyneth's gesture toward him, the Machina straightens in Yaldabaoth and tries to look all suave. "Uh, oh, oh, yes. Very difficult labor."

" **You forget I was in Shulk—not sleeping!** " Zanza says hastily. " **Egil didn't do jack! He watched** ** _Ladyhawke_** **and cried like a baby brog after I killed its parents!** "

Egil's face flushes red. Meyneth turns toward him and stares. " **You did what?** "

"Nothing, it was nothing— I mean, _that_! _That_ was nothing, it was fine, I didn't do anything— No, that's not what I meant to say!"

She floats over to Egil as her face twists into a cesspit of rage. " **I told you to never touch my VHS tapes.** "

"IT WAS VANEA!" His voice rises to a high-pitched squeak.

Vanea, standing next to Dunban and Reyn, says, "Hold the phone, buddy, I didn't watch _Ladyhawke_ , we agreed to leave that tape alone—"

" **It was mint condition.** " Meyneth breathes in and out, as if trying to compose herself but failing. " **When I decided to sleep in for** ** _just a few thousand years_** **, you rip into my** ** _Ladyhawke_** **tape?** "

" **Hypocrite,** " Zanza coughs.

"Nopenopenopenope," Egil says, trying to get out of Yaldabaoth. "Nopity nope nooope."

 _"_ ** _I WILL SMITE THEE!_** "

And thus, Meyneth uses up the last of her strength to vaporize Egil.

The entire group watching stares as Meyneth disappears into a spray of sunshine and sparkles as Egil evaporates.

"I'm sorry, what just happened?" Reyn asks.

"BROOOOOoooOooOoOoTTTTHHHHHER!" screams Vanea. She coughs. Reyn jumps and stumbles into Sharla. Vanea continues coughing before waving a hand in Yaldabaoth's general direction. "Sorry, script said I had to." She clears her throat. "Brah, totally your fault."

"Is your voice okay?" Melia asks her.

Vanea hacks and rasps out, "I don't think so."

Zanza stares at the group for a moment before bursting out into laughter. Reyn glares up at him. " _Ugh_!" he screams.

Zanza stops. " **Oh, geez, what?** "

"Dude, you sound so creepy when you look like Shulk, get your own body, darn it!"

"I have to agree," Sharla says. "Cackling in Shulk's body is not exactly flattering for you."

"Shulk scary!" Riki squeaks.

Flummoxed, the man replies, " **But this is my— ARE YOU AWARE THAT SHULK WAS CREATED AFTER** ** _THIS_** **?** " He gropes lovingly at his face, then his uncomfortably (to some) exposed crotch region. " **This IS my body, twit!** "

Sharla deadpans, "No, it's all wrong."

"Should have given him a bigger one," Melia says.

Zanza's face twists up in rage. " **Okay, seriously?! Why isn't the girl at least reacting, isn't she supposed to love him?!** "

He gestures in desperation to Melia. Melia blinks up at him before looking down at the curled-up body of Shulk in the ground. She suddenly gasps. "Shook! Shook, no! You're still dead!"

Zanza mutters, " **You must be joking. I can now see why Takahashi refuses to reform this world any further!** " He raises his voice again in an effort to reclaim his dignity as a faux-fandom god. " **It's broken beyond repair, what a pity! Glad I can RESET IT NOW, hahahahahhahahahhaha**!"

Dunban nods. "Might actually work."

" **Wait, what?** " Zanza flies down to Dunban and shakes him. " **Really?! Repeat that so my ears can listen once more to those beautiful words!** "

Uncomfortable, Dunban shifts away and goes, "That's a great idea."

" **Those weren't the words.** " Zanza's smooth British goes deadpan. " **But anyway!** " He puts a hand to his ear.

"Resetting the world's a great idea." He glances at everyone else. "Thanks."

" **Yeah! Eh? What—** " The group takes a step toward him as they all draw their weapons. With a flustered panic, Zanza shoots back into the air and glances around before nervously laughing. " **Okay, I guess I have political rivals now,** ** _great_** **. But that's easily solved with a single blow from my Monado—** " Zanza looks down at his hands, which are empty. He looks around for Meyneth's Monados, but they blew up when she did. " **I'm…I'm disgusted. At this world, at everyone, at the author! I'M DONE, DAMNIT! Meet me at my heart, maggots, so Lorithia has some sort of audience for her show! She's been working very hard on it. No one appreciates a stripper.** "

He shoots out the head of Mechonis, and as debris falls, Reyn shoots out, "WEE-OOO, WEE-OOO, IT'S THE DEBRIS SIREN!" He dives in front of everyone and shoves them away.

Dunban goes, "You've been waiting years for that, haven't you?"

"Since I was a wee child!" Reyn cracks up.

* * *

The Arachno Queen groans from outside the passage into Mechonis Core. She can only hear bits and pieces of what's going on, but what she can hear is the glorious, heart-gripping voice of Tetsuya Takahashi.

Her legs tap back and forth in frustration. She'd love to meet the man who reformed the worlds of Xenogears and Xenosaga—and even a bit of Pokémon. And she's certain he would find her…quite fascinating.

If only she wasn't too big to fit through the passage.

"If only my size would make the author remember me sometimes." The Arachno Queen ponders. "Maybe we need to kill a character off. That'd make it easier."

The Queen screams and scurries away from the passage as Reyn and company slink out, dejected, wiped-out looks on their faces. Vanea pats the Queen on the head, tells her what a good Mechon she is, and walks off without saying anything. Arachno Queen purrs with the pats.

As Melia grabs her leg to climb up, Reyn behind her with a body—a body?—in his arms, Queenie lowers so they can get on better, and pretty soon, the entire group is on her hairy backside. "What's with Shulk?" she asks.

"Shulk's dead. Again," Reyn replies.

 _Whatttt!_ she thinks to herself.

As she jumps a little in place, Dunban looks down and immediately turns back to cover his mouth. Xord glances at the motion sick man. "Why so excitable, Queenie? Shulk's dead and replaced with a worse copy of him! I've never seen a hammier man!" Riki gives Xord the stink eye.

The Queen manages out, "Uh, no, that's really terrible, that sucks."

Sharla gently pulls Melia away from the corpse as she starts kissing it.

Sighing greatly, Dunban pulls out his flask, checks it, and licks the rim in a methodical, disturbing way. Then he bellows out, "Back to the Bionis' Interior we go. The rotting…dead Interior…"

* * *

 **While writing this, I imagined the events of Mechonis Core and Zanza's explanations all while his dialogue is replaced with, "No one appreciates a stripper."**

 **Also, low-key, this is just supposed to be taken as comedy. I mean no disrespect toward strippers.**


End file.
